Magnum P.I.
Review By: Gringo

Tom Selleck's career has had its fair share of ups and downs. Downs are numerous; being in Friends more than once (never being in it would be better), kissing Kevin Kline near the end of In & Out and acting alongside Steve Guttenburg in Three Men & A Little Moron. Ups include almost being picked as Indiana Jones. Good thing his obscene moustache and commitment to Magnum P.I. prevented him taking Harrison Ford's eventual job. Now before I actually write this review - which is essentially a diatribe based on the show's theme tune and a couple of pictures - let me make it very clear (crystal clear, Captain Jackson!) that I've never seen a single episode. Not one. I've never seen it listed in the television guide and even if I did, I really doubt I'd watch it.

However, desperate as I am to increase the number of television show reviews on this site (no) I thought I might as well review the very thing that brought Mr. Selleck into the public's consciousness. Another diversion before continuing. Tim over at Schmea.com has an unhealthy, quite unnatural Tom Selleck obsession. From the few emails I've swapped (just like playing cards, Jimmy!) with him, I've got the impression that Tim is a helpful and amusing guy. And hey, if you're not allowed some kind of fantasy once in a while where's the justice in life? But Tom Selleck? At least his Tony Danza obsession makes sense (swish!). I suggest you visit Schmea.com now and help console Tim. That was Schmea.com. Did I mention the site name? If not, here it is again: Schmea.com.

On with the review! The most I've seen of Magnum P.I. is a few still shots of its moustached star posing in his short-shorts, usually with a strange grin on his face akin to that of a sweaty fat man in an exceedingly large candy shop. I think he had a butler standing next to him in some of those photographs, but I can't be sure. Oh no! Gringo, you say (for you call me by my pseudonym! And you obviously call me often!), the world will go crazy - or worse! - if you get your Magnum P.I. info wrong! Well, time for the global loon-fest to occur, because I can't be bothered to check if Magnum ever had a butler. Come to think of it, I'm not sure if Magnum was his surname or first name. Seems a stupid first name. But then again, it's a stupid surname. I think they should have called him Stupid Stupid.

I assume the show took place in some exotic climate because there's some palm trees in the pictures I've seen. Mind you, they have palm trees in Florida and I'd hardly call the Sunshine State exotic. I'd call it overloaded with cheap, mindless crap and inconsequential so-called attractions aimed at a never-ending stream of Mr. and Mrs. Dumbfuck tourists, but I wouldn't call it exotic. The theme tune doesn't hint at the show being set in any special country, being as it is a repetitive, pretty cheap bit of noise. There's a bit of dramatic dum-dum-dum-doo! music, yet nothing that offers any clues to the content of however many minutes of Selleck-led madness would follow. I don't even know how long an average episode of Magnum P.I. was. I'm guessing the average show went along these lines; Magnum jiggled in his tight, tight clothes whilst his quasi-butler friend hovered in the background (maybe not even existing) and a couple of palm trees swayed in the wind.

I know that little about it, I'm not even sure what the P.I. in the title means. Common sense tells me that it must have been about a private investigator called Magnum. Although I have a sneaking suspicion it may have been the story of a mathematician called Stupid Stupid and his never-ending quest to find out just how long the numerical strand for Pi goes on. The most I remember from maths is that it begins 3.142. And that's only because I had a calculator with a Pi button on it. I am a technological wizard! I could very easily have found some proper information on the show simply by looking it up on the internet, but I really couldn't be bothered, so I just stole the first images from the show I could find. Plus I was scared of discovering either Tom Selleck porn or a fan page dedicated to the show. Whoever sets up one of those two (although I suspect it'd be the same person doing both) would really need a severe pounding in the face with a heavy metal shovel.

I don't like Magnum P.I.'s theme tune. I prefer the one for Lost In Space (the sixties' television show, not the crapfest remake with Matt LeBlanc and Gary Oldman). See, all the theme for Selleck's show does is repeat itself. A lot. Don't believe me? Oh, Gringo, you're such a liar! Well download the tune for yourself. But don't send me an email (unless it's one of those - strangely not addressed directly to me - offering an easy $50,000 and a lot of exclamation marks) if it gives you pain in the head. The first couple of times you listen to it, you'll think it's not so bad. Listen a couple more and your head will start to hurt. By the hundredth time you've assaulted your ears with it, I promise you'll be suffering from a permanent headache (that promise is void anywhere, ever). I really have to stop referring to myself in the third-person. Gringo is losing his sanity. Oh no, done it again!

Magnum P.I. was not a good show. I can deduce this from the fact that it involved Tom Selleck wearing clothes at least three sizes too small for him and featured a theme tune that couldn't have been any worse had the Barenaked Ladies done a cover of it. Plus, that whole mysterious butler thing really gets to me. Who the hell was he? And why the hell does he work - or at least stand near - Magnum? It's not like private investigators or skilled mathematicians get paid enough to afford hired help. I'm quite grateful that my television viewing has been Magnum-free so far. I hope it continues that way. Should you be tempted to watch just one episode of Mr. Selleck's show - even to find out which country it's set in - don't. Instead of being tempted by the sight of Stupid Stupid jiggling in front of a palm tree, go and watch The Cosby Show. Now that's quality family entertainment. It's also utter shite.


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