Rude Dog was a cartoon created back in the 80's that had the sole purpose of
promoting a line of sportswear. No, I'm serious. My friend had a Rude Dog shirt.
Essentially, this company had a new line of clothing (the Rude Dog line, I suppose!)
and, well, what better way to influence the kids to buy their clothes than through
subliminal messaging implanted within the medium of cartoons!? I mean Inspector Gadget
is what got me into extending my neck further than it should've gone and now I have
spine problems. I'm sorry that was just...never mind.
I don't believe I'd ever watched Rude Dog when I was a kid so when my friend decided to purchase a tape (for old time's sake or maybe he likes pain, I dunno), I was all riled up and ready to go!! Actually, I had heard the cartoon was total shit and was hoping it would be at least bad enough that it would be fun mocking it. After noting from the back of the tape cover that 'Rude Dog and the Dweebs is © Sun Sportswear Inc.' we popped the sucker in and got ready to get...er...rude...I guess.
AND, OH, WHAT FUN WE HAD!! Yes, I started a sentence with 'and' but your mother has a stupid face, so we're even. Here's what Rude Dog is about. Rude Dog is this stupid (or maybe he is rude, HMMMMM???) dog voiced by Rob Paulsen ("Hello, I do Yakko's voice on Animaniacs! Also, I have no shame!") with this really shitty Brooklyn accent that makes me want to go off mass murdering Italian-Americans for inspiring some idiot into thinking that the accent was a good idea. Unfortunately, to be fair, I'd have to kill half of myself, which would make the rest of my murdering spree all the more difficult...but I digress (not in public though). So about the damn show!
Rude Dog hangs out in a garage (mm?) with a bunch of other dogs that aren't called dogs for some odd reason. Instead, they're called Dweebs (MM?!). The weirdest thing about this is that it isn't just a pet name that Rude Dog has bestowed upon them. Quite the contrary! They are actually world-renowned as Dweebs! In one episode, they had to sneak into a museum because there was a sign that said no Dweebs were allowed inside. All other dogs, yes, but not these fuckers! However, Rude Dog isn't a Dweeb so that means he can get in?! If I was the museum curator, I'd definitely ban Rude (buy our clothes) Dog from getting in! I mean look at the guy's name! You know he's gonna start shit! Not to mention, he's got all those goddamned Dweebs with him! What the hell is a Dweeb anyway?!! Some really, really, really inbred dog? That's all I can think of. One of them that looks especially inbred is this girl dog with a really long face and a mouth that is VERY ODDLY PLACED FOR A DOG. I mean, really, what the hell is with that?! It was bugging me the whole time! Also, she's purple.
I still haven't really talked about the show that much as I have this tendency to go off on tangents randomly (and what's the deal with airline food?!) but there's little more to the actual setup of the show. As I said, Rude Dog and the Dweebs hang out in a garage. The Dweebs do stupid shit and then Rude (buy our clothes) Dog tells them why they are so damned stupid and how they should be doing stuff. The worst part about this is that Rude Dog often feels the need to share his wisdom with you, the viewer, as well as his Dweeb brethren. This means he turns to the camera (yeah, I know there's no actual camera because it's a cartoon but you shut up) and says something in his wonderfully irritating accent. Usually his little soliloquy is something about how damned stupid the Dweebs are. Here's some examples: "Dweebs are like havin' buttsex and getting' poop on ya dick!" or "When it comes ta Dweebs, ya have ta realize that the crack may be tainted!" or "When ya dealin' wit Dweebs, they's is stupid because they's is Dweebs and Dweebs are not smart cuz they stupid! Dweebs is".
The only other things that are part of the setup in the wonderful world of Rude Dog are the opposition to Rude Dog and his Dweeby companions. This opposition comes in the form of, one, a cat who is apparently not scared of dogs (maybe because they are Dweebs and never called dogs? HMM!!!!) and therefore picks on the Dweebs and, two, a dog catcher and a stupid dog who keep trying to apprehend Rude (buy our clothes) Dog and the Dweebs but really suck at it. I really hate the dog that hangs out with the dog catcher and here's why. You know how Astro on The Jetsons talked? In that stupid scruffy, slightly difficult to understand voice? Well, I'm not saying Astro was a fucking genius but at least the guy was talking when he actually had to say something. This dog not only has a similar (and probably more difficult to understand) voice to Astro but he pretty much doesn't say anything except a repeat of what the dog catcher says. Basically, it looks like this; Dog Catcher: "We hafta go catch those Dweebs because they slept with mah wife!" Stupid Idiot Fuckdog: "Rah, we haffa go caf dose Dwee beca dey swep wif yar wahhh!!!". Remember, this occurs for roughly every line the dog catcher speaks. Do you smell the fun? Mm mmm!!! Smells good and burnt to me!
One thing I do have to give that dog is the fact that he's voiced by Dave Coulier. That's right, Dave Coulier, the guy who was Uncle Joey on Full House and had that other show where he overused the phrase "Cut...it...out!" to the point where you wanted to stab him in the eye (the show might have even been named Cut It Out but I don't remember). This guy is great just because, well, he's Dave Coulier. He's washed-up now, snorts a lot of coke (allegedly), and I hear he's a real asshole in person but, damn! What a guy! You know he never dropped that "cut it out" bullshit either?! In fact, he even named his site after it! I didn't look around on it too much but I did notice The Dave Coulier Show in which Dave interviews people who were once famous like he. Funny thing is, it doesn't appear to really be a show. It's just him talking on the phone with people and then trying to type it up at a mile a minute. Them tape recorders is expensive! Here is an excerpt from his thrilling interview with Bob Saget (yes, they did used to work together!):
Dave: You're originally from Philly, right?
Bob: Yes sir. I was born in Philadelphia and at a year old I moved (with my family) to Norfolk, Virginia, where I lived until I was 14.....this won't take too much longer... light up a cigarette though....
Dave: I can't type with a straight face. You're making me laugh.
GAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! BOB SAGET, YOU CRAZY BASTARD! Hey, I just noticed that two of the other interviews (out of about five) are also with people who were on Full House! Doesn't that just scream pathet-professional?! Answer: Yes! Dave Coulier, your name will live on long after you die from an overdose (also allegedly). Hey, think he was sniffing coke during his Rude Dog days? Probably! That Dave Coulier sure loves his coke (allegedly also)! Anyway, where was I? Ah yes, that crappy show.
Now, the Rude Dog tape my friend bought was a whopping hour and a half long (a bit over that actually). That's three full episodes of Rude (buy our clothes) Dog and then some! Now if you think we watched the whole thing, you're out of your bloody gourd. This show is a painfully slow roller coaster ride through a hell of crappy animation, shoddy storylines, and annoying voice acting (by the way, besides Rude Dog's Brooklyn accent, roughly every Dweeb's voice is some horrendous impersonation of an actor/actress/stereotype...woo). However, I will tell you a little bit about what I have not been successfully able to block out thus far. I'm not gonna go into too much detail here though as this review is already hella long and I generally try to recollect as little of this show as I can if I possible.
The one episode I can call up clearly is the one in which the Dweebs gather up the courage to ask Rude Dog for a pet ("Hi! We're all dogs already, GOD DAMMIT"). Rude Dog first gives them some insight, as well as us in the audience who are lucky enough to catch the wisdom which flows from Rude Dog's mouth like lard from a fat guy hooked up to a lipo-suction machine ("The Dweebs is stupid becuz dey wanna pet, ya know? Hey, I am Rude (buy our clothes) Dog!"). Then he breaks down and tells them they can have a goldfish. Aww, Rude Dog. You're all heart and sportswear.
Unfortunately, like Rude Dog explains so many a time, Dweebs are very stupid. So when the one that's supposed to sound like Jack Nicholson goes to get a fish, he instead comes back with a cow that cannot moo. Apparently, he got it from a farmer who didn't want it simply because it could not moo. Yeah, I know farmers always want the cows to be able to moo so that when they slaughter them, they can tell for sure they're in pain. I mean, that's what it's all about, right? Believe it or not, that asshole Rude (buy our clothes) Dog refuses to let them keep the cow. The farmer won't take the cow back though because, you know, it won't moo. RUDE DOG TO THE RESCUE.
After some rather hefty interrogating, Rude Dog discovers that the cow never really fit in with the other cows on the farm. It hung out with the chickens or dogs or some shit. It also didn't have a cowbell. Therefore, that brilliant scientist of the future Rude Dog comes up with the idea that the cow does not really realize she is a cow and that is why she cannot moo! Rude Dog, you astound and nauseate me! Both at once! Rude (buy our clothes) Dog and the Dweebs quickly get to work on showing the cow that she is, in fact, a cow in the following manner. One, they change the cow's name to Bessie or something stereotypically cow-related like that. Then they give her a cowbell and put a hat with flowers in it on her head. Okay, I get the other stuff but...uh...why the hat? Apparently, Rude Dog's genius goes far beyond the simple human comprehension that I possess. Ah well, I shall never be as rude as he. Lastly, they put the cow in front of a mirror (was the other crap even necessary?). Then she moos! Wow, I am amazed. The farmer then takes her back and Rude Dog gives us a word of advice, kind of like Jerry Springer's final thought. Essentially, he tells us that "A cow is not gonna act like a cow unless ya let her know she's a cow". For good measure, he then adds, "Rude but true". Is it me or was there nothing in that statement that would be considered rude? THAT RUDE DOG...HE'S A DEEP ONE.
So, what have we learned from this episode? Well, apparently you have to tell a cow that she's a cow. I'm sure I'll figure out a way to apply that to a peer pressure situation and when I do I'll be thanking my lucky stars that I watched Rude (buy our clothes) Dog. One thing I did notice is that, in the end, the Dweebs never actually got a pet. Hmm. So what exactly have we resolved here? Could it be perhaps, NOTHING? Rude Dog, you insane cockmaster! At least, I now know I should be getting my hands on some Sun Sportswear though.
I saw some other episodes of Rude Dog. One was about some crappy fake talent show the dog catcher was putting on, the other was about a museum, and another was about the Jack Nicholson Dweeb trying to replace Rude Dog's hubcap with a pizza pie. Crazy adventures, eh?! Overall, I can't say I can really recommend Rude Dog's madcap adventures to anybody. The show sucks,is horribly dull and painful to watch, lacks any semblance of humor or entertainment, and it molested my friends and I while we slept. And, hey, have I mentioned Rude Dog really has nothing to do with being rude, AT ALL EVER? Added to that, the show is really only there to promote a line of clothing to children. Therefore, there's no reason for me not to utterly despise this tripe. Granted, Dave Coulier is in it and he has real star power. Even so, an actor of his caliber can't get this wreck off the ground (I don't care how much nose candy he snorts (allegedly), it's not happening). If you like sexually assaulting kittens and then eating their heads, watch Rude Dog. Everyone else, stay far far away (buy our clothes).
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