Mr. T & The Mystery Of The Golden Medallions
Review By: Gringo

Like some glorious pot of gold at the end of the rainbow or - to use a less stupid expression - like some joyful discovery, I found another two episode tape of the Mr. T cartoon series. Where? Why, that fleapit of iniquity known as eBay, of course. The place where people bid on things and then bugger off into the internet ether after the auction, or where some simpleton from Buttfuck, Tennessee fails to comprehend that an auction from somewhere in Britain will require some form of British money to be involved along the line. But oh no! Jimmy Joseph of that great village called Buttfuck decides to send a US personal cheque. Guess how much that's worth to a British bank? Bugger all. Not that I'm bitter or anything. Oh no. After all, if it wasn't for the world's biggest online flea market, how else would I have found the material for another review of the Mr. T cartoon? I probably wouldn't, so while you may be cursing eBay for ever existing, I'm celebrating and wishing it a long life. Not that internet sites really live as such. But I digress, and I shouldn't when there are important things to write about. Important things like the time Mr. T rumbled the Mystery Of The Golden Medallions!

Yes, the gold-clad one is back with his team of crack ninja gymnasts, ready to fight crime and injustice whilst teaching some handy lessons in life and love along the way. Oh, and it stars Alice from The Brady Bunch once more. Once again (this is the third Mr. T review I've done, find the others here and also here) the show opens with the mohican-wearing one in the middle of some sports field. For some reason he feels the need to explain to the audience exactly how to spell his name. I'm not joking when I reveal that he says: "The name's Mr. T. First name Mister, second name's that period, then T". Gee, thanks! I'd forgotten how to spell a name that's technically three letters long! Anyway, he says something about accepting new members to a team. That picture above is of Woody. Can you guess who he is? Well, in this episode he's introduced as a new member of the gymnast team! Heaven knows where this magical story is going! The first scene is of some gym tournament where Woody easily outdoes the other team members. This talent is met with a frosty reception from team member (and future lesbian crack whore) Robin, who sarcastically snaps: "Woody? Who needs him?"

However, Woody has friends in high places. Alice makes her first appearance of several this episode and tells Robin that Woody is talented, and the team would benefit from having him join. Mr. T feels the same way, and is about to he-man bitch-slap the team halfway round the world when some other plot starts up. Some nefarious looking fiends steal some medallions that are on show at the tournament. I assume they're the prizes for the winners, but with this series it's a safe rule to assume nothing. After all, it's already given us a bus knocking over a launching space shuttle. Believable! Apparently, these medallions - golden medallions, if you will - are worth stealing. Probably because if you peel back the gold layer, there's lots of tasty chocolate hidden inside. For no real reason, the team's youngest member - a ginger-haired pasty-faced boy called Spike, who dresses like Mr. T - says that he wants to be Mr. T when he's older. Who doesn't? Shortly after, Spike goes outside, where he finds the two medallion thieves smashing their stolen booty up with a hammer. Rather than just run away, they decide to kidnap Spike, and cryptically drop some paper as they make their getaway with the stupid little T-wannabe in tow.

Mr. T and his band of gymnasts set off in hot pursuit. HOT PURSUIT, I TELL YOU! And how do the two bad guys stop them? By sending a truck hurtling down a steep road. Okay. For some reason, this requires every single member of the team to stop following the bad guys and instead watch as Mr. T races after the truck. Kim Nakamura, the token Asian of the group, stuns everyone by calculating the exact speed, gradient and slope involved in the truck crashing. Right. As if you'd have time to work that out. Stupid smart bitch! Anyway, the usual happens, being that Mr. T saves the truck and...oh no! T's rescue plan is as follows; (1) get inside truck, (2) keep steering it towards the bottom of the hill, (3) the sea is at the bottom of the hill, (4) crash the truck into the sea, (5) thereby not changing anything that wasn't already going to happen. Apparently, they don't have police anywhere at all in San Francisco (I should have said this particular episode is set in the city. Whoops!) and the gymnast team skip off happily holding hands as a truck just sinks out of sight, having managed to speed safely past a road without cars. That San Francisco sure is one crazy place!

This miserable excuse for children's entertainment rolls on undaunted by the leaps in logic it keeps taking, as the gymnasts look over what clues they have. Woody discovers the piece of paper dropped when Spike was kidnapped, and brings it to the group's attention. Does he get any praise for this discovery? No. They bitch at Woody and I think they beat him with reeds at some point. WITH REEDS! Anyway, the paper is a list of addresses and for once the team has a good idea - go to the places on the list to look for more clues. This is where one of the show's best sarcastic conversations takes place. Woody asks, "can I help?" to which more than one person replies "yeah, stay here". Well, it was funny at the time. Mr. T takes pity on Woody - wouldn't you take pity on someone who's being unnecessarily abused so much? - and the two of them join up with Alice on the bus to check out some addresses too. Such happy times! Woody and T go to an up-market restaurant, where some medallions are being handed out at a fancy dinner. Guess what? Yes, they get smashed, but there's nothing inside them and the bad guys escape. Just for a change.

First up for the Woody-less group is a place which is meant to be the clubhouse of a local role-playing group. You know, the kind of people who willingly dress up as elves and call each other by names like Grebnord, Clusterfuck and Scuttlebutt and talk about fighting dragons and demons in the realm of the Overlord. Or something. Now, I don't remember San Francisco having a historical tradition of English-style castles complete with moats, but the clubhouse is an insane building. Apparently, on the outskirts of the city, there's a huge damn castle where the group meets. Common sense strikes again! Lurking inside the castle are the two bad guys, and after they smash up some more medallions which were hanging round the necks of some armoured statues, they are attacked by the gymnasts. Take a look at the picture above to see the sort of fighting style that Mr. T has managed to teach his young friends. That's right, Robin - the ginger haired bitch - jumps onto one of the bad guy's heads and kind of sits there, stroking his hair as he enjoys the ride. Then he amusingly throws her off the roof. This confusion lets the bad guys escape, but sadly Robin is rescued and the team is back on track.

After all this nonsense, the team finally discovers that the medallions are being produced at the Hanson Mint. To my utmost joy, the factory's not run by a group of stupid girl-boy singers. Instead, it's seemingly run by just one old man. I can't be bothered to go into depth (read: I can't remember) how the team discovers the fact that inside the medallions are copies of video games on microfilm. Oh, the mystery! Video game piracy! Such excitement for the children! There's more random nonsense that comes across as a bad advertisement for San Francisco, as the team visits a video arcade on Fisherman's Wharf (where Spike is humorously being kept captive inside an arcade machine. Yes, inside) and Alcatraz, where there's yet another mindless fight scene in which no one actually does any fighting. The tension forgets to mount as the conclusion draws near; it's going to be a showdown on the bad guys' boat! Hooray! Mr. T punches a shark in the face at some point, I think Robin humped a few more heads, and eventually the nasty bad men are beaten up and taken away by the police. Surely happy times for all? No, because there's still the problem of Woody and his being hated by everyone, ever.

But I was wrong! The magic has happened! All has been resolved! Everyone's happy because the little obnoxious brat Spike is back with the gymnast team (and his idol, Mr. T) and Woody is now welcomed with open arms. No less than permanent PMT sufferer Robin congratulates Woody on a job well done, saying that if he hadn't have found the list of addresses then the mystery of the golden medallions would never have been solved and those darn video game pirates would have gotten away with it! Gosh! Woody is now welcomed to the gym team, and everyone runs off happily together into the sunset or something. Mr. T - this time the real, non-cartoon version - ends the show by telling his audience about the importance of treating everyone (even newcomers! Oh my!) equally. I didn't really pay attention to his little speech. Instead I learnt my lessons from the cartoon itself. If you're ever in a social or work situation where you're the new guy - or girl - and everyone's treating you like crap simply because you're the new person, then remember the show's one clear tip. Find a piece of paper, pick it up and hand it to the team. That's all. It's your one-step trip to a better life!

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