Rainbow: Lions And Tigers
Review By: Gringo

Giving you bad news is the way I will start this review! Via the magic that is the internet, I did the same as your regular lazy fiend who'd rather download pornography and listen to bad music (today we will call this Sum 41) than leave the house and went shopping online. By the way, Joe and Ross find it funny that I like the television show 24, even though they've never seen a single episode. Death will be visiting them soon! Pointless interjection over! Anyway, whilst shopping away I found a videotape bursting with Rainbow goodness. Seven episodes of Rainbow goodness. Needless to say, I opened up the Listen To Me money vaults and bought it, and this is the first review I've had the strength to type up after sitting through 1 ½ hours of (and the tape bills it as this) "hilarious antics." Quick refresher for those of you too simple to click here and read my very first review of Rainbow; it was a British children's television show that had the unique distinction of being (1) no good, (2) not in the least educational and (3) clinically insane. There was one star, melon-headed beast Zippy, who always answered back to the rest of the wacky cast. And what's Zippy up to in this episode? Well, it's called Lions And Tigers. Can you guess yet? Maybe the picture below will help.

Yes! Zippy's on safari! Although for today's episode he's going by the name of Professor Zippy. Good for him. He's also teamed up with the most despicable choice of sidekick since Willie out of Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Doom. It's a parrot. A PARROT OF DOOM. The annoying animal repeats everything Zippy says and generally exists with the sole purpose of antagonizing everyone's favourite zip-wearing creation. However, Zippy has no one else to speak to (he must be trying to avoid the other Rainbow people) and so he chats to the parrot. Zippy explains his love of lions, telling the obnoxious parrot that "lions are strong and prowl around the jungle. They have strong teeth and sharp claws," before giving the most important fact, "they're the same colour as me." He then makes the illogical statement that he's in a jungle - it's the back garden of his house - and is ready to take a photograph of a lion or tiger. Either will do; he's not picky!

After his altercation with the worst parrot in the world, Zippy waves his camera about (he's only got one arm, and no, I don't know why) in his maddening quest to find a tiger. But it's no solo Zippy performance, as everyone else from the cast turns up to generally hinder the melon-headed freak's ambitions. Thankfully, the cast members of the show enter one by one, which gives me a chance to re-introduce you to them in a nice, orderly manner. Don't all thank me at once! You know, these should be the best days of my life. Life is not what I thought it was! It's reviewing Rainbow episodes and making obscure song references! Someone help me! Back to the review, I'm afraid. The first cast member to enter is Bungle. Yes, Bungle.

Bungle is a fat bear. This time he's a fat bear in safari clothes, wearing a stupid hat and drinking a stupid drink, whilst waving his stupid fan. Bungle is a stupid fat bear and I still hate him very much. Zippy must agree with me, as, startled by the fat bear, he aims his camera at Bungle, clicks, then moans "I've wasted a photograph taking your picture". In the notes (yes, I actually made notes on this crap) for my review of this episode, I wrote down 'king of the jungle Bungle x 300'. I have no idea what that means, but I'm damned if I'm going to watch the show again, so you're just going to have to make up your own minds.

Next up - and also wearing safari gear - is haggard old man Geoffrey. The patriarch of the Rainbow family (with children like Zippy and Bungle, the guy's got to have had a messed up wife) wanders in mumbling something about whisky. Zippy once again thinks it's the tiger he's after and takes a photograph. Again, he comically bitches about it - direct to Geoffrey! Zippy moans, "oh, Geoffrey, that's two pictures I've wasted" and the old guy bumbles off into the distance.

Following in Geoffrey's footsteps is the pink, hippo-esque and highly homosexual (not that there's anything wrong with that) George. He tells Zippy that the 'tiger' he's looking for is probably just the next door neighbour's cat gone missing. Wait a minute. If they're all so confident Zippy's deluding himself, why the hell has everyone dressed up in safari clothes? Explain that one, clownboats! Zippy is sure there's a tiger around, and tells George with a mocking laugh "you don't find little pussycats in the jungle".

Zippy's absolutely right when he says you don't find tigers in the back garden. No, you don't. But you do find weird old men. BY THE TRUCKLOAD! To prove this point, some eccentric old boffin (I'll call him Mr. Wackypants for easy reference) enters the fray, with his hand wedged up the backside of quite possibly the cheapest puppet I've ever seen. And that includes Zippy. The puppet is meant to be a lion, but it looks like a clown head with fur. Add into the mix the fact that when Mr. Wackypants speaks the lion's 'voice' you can see him say every single word and you've got a miserable excuse for entertainment. As you should know by now, when one-time unknown cast members turn up it means one thing...story time! Or death. You choose. Mr. Wackypants reads Zippy and George a story called The Lonely Lion, and helpfully tells them "It's a story about a lonely lion." Uh, I think even children under three years of age - or alternatively locked in secure mental units - could have guessed that.

The story revolves around a lion in a zoo. A lion in a zoo who is lonely. A girl visits the zoo and apparently has the ability to talk to animals, as she asks him why he doesn't try playing with the other caged animal-rights violating beasts. The girl runs off a long list of things the lion could do to stop being so lonely. Run with the cheetahs! Climb trees with the panthers! Swim in the pool with the tigers! He says, "I don't like doing any of that." THEN SHUT UP, YOU FUCKING WHINING FELINE ASSHAT. However, it seems the girl is not only well versed in animal dialect, she's also a pervert. She returns to the zoo with four lionesses (I have no idea where she got them from) and unleashes them on the lonely lion. Amusingly, Mr. Wackypants says that this cheered the lion up, and informs everyone that "the lion was delighted", to which the hand puppet (also controlled by Mr. Wackypants) says "I bet his was." That dirty old innuendo-spouting puppet!

You know something, I was getting worried at this point. It was over twenty minutes into the show (yes, they managed to pad it out that long already) and there had been no sign of the singing trio Rod, Jane and Freddy. The magical misfits who had brought an unexpected and ungrateful world the smash hit that was Everybody's Tongue-Tied Sometimes were a no show. But just like a bad penny (or in this case, a recurring bout of intense herpes), the trio appeared in the magical, mystical back yard jungle.

For some reason, just like everyone else, they were wearing safari gear. Bear in mind the show was shot in Britain, I assume the fictional Rainbow household was also meant to be in Britain. Which kind of makes wearing safari clothes in the garden a stupid idea as the weather over here is no good...ever! The three clowns say something about catching tigers, before inexplicably launching into song again. Their choice of tune this time? A self-penned ditty called, perhaps not surprisingly, Lions And Tigers. But what is surprising is that for no reason whatsoever, the show takes on a sinister green tint and the trio pulls insane faces as they warn that there are "lions and tigers in the jungle." Morons.

Download the song! It's really bad! And 250KB!

No, I have no idea why Freddy (the guy on the right) is pulling that bizarre facial expression. He looks almost orgasmic in his crazy joy. But I don't really want to know the truth. It's enough to say that Jane (the one in the middle, Captain Clever Pants) looks suitably perturbed. I love stupid words! Anyway, they talk about the last time they were in the jungle. What the fuck? Suddenly they've gone from being tongue-tied fruity singers to jungle explorers! Apparently it was "very dangerous" and they had to be "very, very careful." This helpful piece of advice leaves Zippy bewildered as Rod, Jane and Freddy proceed to sing such inspired lyrics as "there are stripes on a tiger, yellow and black with bits of white" (Jane gets the credit for that one) and "you'll shake, you'll quake, if that tiger's awake" (this time, all three of them are responsible). Mercifully, the song ends, as all songs must do. In what literally is a couple of seconds - the producers must have run out of time - a cat, the only normal animal on the show, appears. Geoffrey concludes that the cat was the tiger Zippy had been so afraid of, and then the entire gang of fools gathers for a photograph. And that's the end. If you'll excuse me, I have to go and get my dignity back.


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