It's time to review another episode of perennial children's favorite television show Muppet Babies. Why time? Because I'm bored and, uh, I DON'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN MY ACTIONS TO YOU, SENATOR! This episode, Dental Hyjinks (the word 'hyjinks' shows up in red on Microsoft Word and it's getting me annoyed) is just as insane as the first one I reviewed. And how did I get hold of this fantastic episode of the show? I bought it. That's right, I paid good (if not hard-earned) money for a video that had two episodes on it. My review of Close Encounters Of The Frog Kind was all thanks to the fact that it was the first episode on the video. Dental Hyjinks is - have you guessed yet? Yes? Well done! - the second of the two episodes. Now, buying a Mr. T cartoon video might be barely understandable. But you're probably shaking your heads at the fact that I bought a Muppet Babies video. Well, they were going cheap! That's my excuse! I am the law and the law is not mocked! Strap yourself into your seat on the fun bus and let me put on my driver's cap...we're headed for the WORST METAPHORS IN THE WORLD! And breaking the speed limit!
So yes, I bought a Muppet Babies video. Shut up. The back of the video promises that in this particular episode - Dental Hyjinks (hint, the name's included in the title of this review) - and I'm quoting here, "Fozzie has a loose tooth, and when Nanny takes him off to the dentist, the Muppet babies' imaginations go berserk...". The way the blurb ends with an ominous "..." made me laugh, but then I get amused by people tripping over. And that's not being an evil assface, it happens to me enough so I feel entitled to laugh when others do it. Only problem is, when people trip up in the street they have a tendency to do it when walking towards me. And I'm not very good at containing my giggling like a schoolgirl at things like people tripping over. I don't mean falling over and cracking their skulls open; I just mean when people trip but stay upright, but tumble forwards a little bit. Without fail, they'll always pull a face that says "what the hell?" to try and make you think it's all the floor's fault. It's at this point I tend to burst out laughing, which adds insult to injury for the poor wacky clowns.
Anyway, enough about tripping up. You know how adventure and action and all those things are really interesting? Well, screw them. The Muppet babies spend the entire twenty minutes to half-hour (if including syndicated adverts or pausing the video to poop) of the show talking, dancing and singing about Fozzie's loose tooth. The evil little twats! How'd they like it if, for example, one of them had a missing arm and the rest of the nursery dwellers did nothing but victimize them about it for half an hour? I'm betting they'd feel pretty miserable. But oh no! Fozzie's got a loose tooth and you're going to hear about nothing else! If you're looking for a comparison in tedium let me be your guide. Listening to Dean Stockwell doing The Alphabet Rap and screaming "Say it!" over and over again? I could do that for days...weeks...even months. But not years. Listening to Fozzie's woes about his dental problems? Sorry, his dental 'hyjinks'. Five minutes at the most. But the Muppet babies don't care about me (damn you Muppet babies! To hell with the lot of you!) and instead try and find all kinds of fun and educational ways to talk about Fozzie's dilemma.
It all begins when the Muppets start their imaginary Indianapolis 500, complete with trash cans, cardboard boxes and bikes. I've never liked racing much, so I didn't pay a great deal of attention at this point. Somehow the race came to an end with a big crash, in which Fozzie seemed to be the only Muppet to sustain any injuries. IT'S ALL FUN AND GAMES UNTIL SOMEONE LOSES AN EYE. Except Fozzie doesn't lose an eye, he just has an intense pain in his mouth now, all thinks to a loose tooth. The Muppets decide to prod the tooth, then scare Fozzie with stories of going to the dentist. However, Nanny soon finds out and Fozzie's fate is sealed - he's going to the dentist, conveniently at the time the show ends. Fozzie starts having an attack of angst with all the horror stories, and he agrees to let the rest of the nursery dwellers help him pull his troublesome tooth out. Their first plan is tying his tooth to a toy train, which then goes crazy, flinging the bear around the nursery...but still his tooth is in his mouth. Poor Fozzie! To calm his fears (which would be quite high after his friends just tried killing him), Skeeter - the freak sister of Scooter - tells Fozzie all about the tooth fairy. Fozzie thinks he's in for a million or more in exchange for his tooth...but again, the fellow Muppets pee all over his dreams and it's back to the real world.
After this, Scooter programs Fozzie in to his computer to show him how painless his tooth removal will be. Scooter had no friends in the nursery, so spent all his time on the computer. Bizarrely, the equations go wrong after Fozzie enters the computer. Even more bizarrely, these incorrect equations produce (in order), a living vacuum cleaner, a man-eating chocolate cake and finally a self-propelled drill. Again, no success. So you know what else the Muppet babies do whenever one of them is experiencing some trouble? That's right! They break into song for no apparent reason!
This time round I'm going to share the in-depth lyrics of the Loose Tooth Boogie with you. Download the song now! Then listen along with my written commentary, complete with pictures of the stunning music video that accompanies the song. It's a rollercoaster ride involving tooth ferries (yes, tooth ferries), molar bears (only when typing this out does it dawn on me how insane the show is, and how much wacky stuff the writers must have been on) and Animal eating a medical chart. With a one, a two, a three (or whatever musicians say to count into songs, I don't care if I got it wrong and I hate everything about you) and Rowlf at the piano, it's time to sing!
Everywhere you go folks are flapping their gums,
After Rowlf bangs out a few notes on his baby grand piano, Gonzo and Miss Piggy appear dressed as a dentist and his assistant respectively. They spin some chart around, which Animal bizarrely then decides to devour.
So if you're feeling just a little down in the mouth
Muncha muncha muncha!
Eyeteeth don't see
Hyuck hyuck hyuck!
Then there's a brief scene - still part of the song - when the Muppets clamber aboard the Tooth Ferry (no joke) and, in the words of Scooter, make an attempt to "get to the root of this problem". This is just after Miss Piggy has urged him to "tooth pick it, Scooter!". I think it's mean to be like "shake your ass, Scooter" but obviously toned down for the early morning audience that the show was intended for. So the Tooth Ferry sets sail inside Fozzie's mouth (with Fozzie aboard...one very strong hallucination for such a young bear). But Animal is afraid! Oh no! If you were in any doubt, he makes this fact clear saying "Me afraid, me afraid!". When Skeeter asks what about, Animal replies - with all the wit of a writer from this site - "Molar bears", at which point a monster tooth growls at the passing clownboat. Get it? Molar bears? Molar teeth? Polar bears? MOLAR BEARS. I'll have to steal that joke for a future review. But don't worry! None of the Muppets are harmed! Unfortunately, this means Miss Piggy makes it safely past the molar bear, escaping her deserved death yet another time. Then it's back to the song and the entire Muppet babies gang join in and sing along for the winning chorus.
Shake it out, shake it out
I think they're talking about Fozzie's tooth, but I'm not so sure. Then it's down to Kermit to end the song with his stupid last few lines.
If you're a little more than a little confused
Sadly, all good things must come to an end, and Nanny finally drags off Fozzie to the dentist. Whilst away, the Muppets start scaring each other with tales about what happens at the dentist. The first nightmare comes from Kermit, who dreams up a game show called Tooth Or Consequences. Kermit sucks! If Fozzie gets the question right, he gets to keep his tooth. If he fails, the reigning champion, the dentist (with 4,000 wins under his belt) gets to drill the tooth. The question asked is: why did the chicken cross the road? Fozzie answers "to get to the other side", but apparently the right answer is "to get away from his dentist." Kermit still sucks!
Next to dream up a wacky scenario is Animal, who easily has the best hallucination. He dreams up Kermit as Dr. Frogenstein, who is making an evil monster (hint: it's Animal in disguise). Apparently, he needs "the tooth of a bear who tells bad jokes". At this point Fozzie conveniently turns up at Dr. Frogenstein's laboratory and is roped into having his tooth snatched before he can say "screw you, Kermit! Get me out of this trip!". Fozzie makes a run for it, but runs in to Count Gonzula. Yes, Count Gonzula. The insanity continues as the fanged freaky one says "I want to pull your tooth", but just hugs Fozzie instead. Stupid! This strange molestation means an end to the clownish dreams, and mercifully Fozzie returns to the nursery before anyone else can imagine something.
Fozzie is now a cocky bastard, boasting about the lollipop and balloon the dentist gave him for being such a good patient. Now all the Muppets want dental work. Two-faced sods! The show ends with all of them jumping up and down screaming "we want to go to the dentist! We want to go to the dentist!" No, really. I'd write more if there was more to write about, but that's it. THE END. I want to go to the dentist!
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