The Friday Rock Show
Review By: Darth Phenom

Sometime in 1998 a Friday night tradition for me was born. Other than beastial sex, you fools! (That is a rare occasion saved for Tuesdays.) Nor does it involve insane quantities of vodka gulping which threatens to drive me to a horribly late grave at the grand old age of 24. This tradition involves commercial music. Perhaps more specifically music which contains the ludicrous noise of some ridiculous instrument known as a guitar. Apparently, this production is associated with music which orientates itself with the use of this instrument. I think.

The Friday Rock Show is blessed with the talents and voice of perhaps the most awesome presenter in the history of VH-1... the legendary Tommy Vance. A legend on American radio since the '60's (he is British, but he does not suck) this gentleman has "sold out" (to use punk rock idiot terminology) to the evil, evil corporation of Viacom and now presents a show which not many people watch. I think this show has something to do with this review yet I'm not entirely sure. This show is broadcast on two continents but not North America. Just thought I'd make that clear.

This programme, intended to be watched on a device known as a television set, I found to be far superior in the glorious year of 2000. Remember those great days? How can you have forgotten already? Those great days of Napster and er, when the mind numbing horror of LTM was but a dream in the dark recesses of a fat butter-eating Brit. Up to speed now? Things have changed immensely since then. I lost just a smidgeon of awe for this mighty production when that fat lout Fred Durst managed to manifest himself onto this most sacred of shows. Ever since then, the ratio of doom metal has been consistently lowering in favour of terrible punk rock and alternative drivel. Now before you castrate me, I will inform you that I do not find all punk rock bands hideous noise. I believe the music of the Ramones, Torgo and Bad Religion is truly outstanding indeed. However, what we are seeing now are pathetic attempts at punk rock and heavy metal. Surely this most holy of shows is no place for such jargon bands as Limp Bizkit, Korn and LIT? Still, I am glad to report that Radiohead has never been played but I fear the days are numbered. Sigh.

In the old days it was nothing like this, no siree. Brilliant pieces of music consecutively! Megadeth followed Metallica which followed Black Sabbath and Blind Guardian... such brilliance could be found on no other show. But the children did not like this, so VH-1 came along and negotiated with Mr. Vance. I am proud to announce that I do indeed have possession of the recordings of the negotiations which took place and now I will present them:

(Intercom crackles)

President of VH-1 UK: Err... Mr. Vance, sir?

Lord Tommy: What is it now, you miserable snot nosed little waste of sperm?

President of VH-1 UK: Could you, err... um...

Lord Tommy: Stop whining!

President of VH-1 UK: Please come see in my office immediately, sir.

Lord Tommy: You bloody useless little mommy's boy! Come down to my basement and I'll give you some good stock market advice!

President of VH-1 UK: I'll, err... be right down, sir.

(Five minutes later)

President of VH-1 UK: Good day, sir. I uh, love your esquisite choice of decorations. (Stares at the dying naked females hanging from the ceiling)

Lord Tommy: About bleeding time, mate. I could have impregnated your miserable whore of a mother and she could have given birth and raised a child to take over your meaningless excuse for a job in the time it took you to get down here.

President of VH-1 UK: I apologise for an--

Lord Tommy: What the bloody hell is it?

President of VH-1 UK: Err... it's about your show. You see, the, um, err, the err...

Lord Tommy: What? Hurry up or old Trixie here (glances toward his pet crocodile) gets a taste of your little wussy arse.

President of VH-1 UK: Well, we feel we need to cater to a younger audience. 70's metal just doesn't appeal to the Spice Girls generation, sir. I sincerely hope you understand, sir.

Lord Tommy: Who are the Spice Girls?

President of VH-1 UK: I suppose they're a sort of feminine version of the Village People, you could say.

Lord Tommy: Bloody hell! NNNOOOOOOOOO!!

President of VH-1 UK: Are you all right, sir?

Lord Tommy: Just... just GET OUT!

Lord Tommy: Oi! Cobblers, guv'nor!

Now you have witnessed the unspeakable horror. Or, I suppose it is speakable. Anyway (or one way, depending on your views of transportation) this show has still retained several of its high standards. A great new rock hard set made its debut to critical appeal several weeks ago. Great bands still continue to be showcased and interviewed. The show remains a definite must-see for those with even a casual interest in guitar-powered music and is still the best show in the great and proud history of VH-1 UK since Hey, Watch This! Long live rock and roll.

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