Stuff You Should Be Watching - Part I
Review By: Joe

YO KIDS!! YO! KIDS!! YO!!! Anyway... Television is a veritable wasteland of shit, crap, and other similar forms of fecal matter. Just about everything on the idiot box (as cliché a term as that is, it is quite fitting) is a showcase for extreme stupidity, sexy sex sex stuff, and stupidity. However, there are golden needles to be found in this smelly, dung-infested haystack we call our primary source of entertainment. Yes, they are few and far between but amongst the many sitcoms, game shows, reality shows, and reality sitcom game shows there are actually a few decent programs out there that are witty, funny, and have good stuff in them that is nice. They hide like child murderers hiding in the bushes waiting to murder your child (in a good way!) when he or she comes too close to see why that bush has a hand sticking out of it offering candy but they are there nonetheless. I, being the noble citizen that I am, have taken it upon myself to sift through the sea of stinky poopies on the TV and emerge victorious with the few precious gems that are available there, wrenching them asunder and clutching them joyously in my hand like so many heroin syringes. I don't know if I used the word 'asunder' correctly there and, DAMMIT, I JUST DON'T CARE!! I used a lot of listing in this paragraph. I think it's because I'm retarded, stupid, and smell like rotten walnuts.

Now then, before we begin let me make it quite clear that these are my own opinions on what is good and what is doody on television (let's ignore the fact that almost everything I like is a cartoon, OKAY?!). It is completely up to you whether or not you want to take my advice or not. You are entitled to your own beliefs on what you think is good television just so long as you realize that if you ignore my advice, you are wrong and always will be. Shall we begin, then?!!

STUFF YOU BETTER FUCKING WATCH, MOTHERFUCKER!!!

These are the shows that I try to make a point of never missing. These are the coop da grease, the top of the pops (DJ!), the...something else that is an indication that they are the best!! These shows are the ones that I make sure to find out the airtimes for so I can be sure to watch them when they come on and not just catch them by accident. These are the shows you damn well better watch or I will slap you. I will provide the times when these shows are on in EST but not in any other time zone because I don't live in any other time zone so why should I care about those other time zones at all?! Besides Central Time is just everything an hour earlier. Really, how hard is that to figure out? Also, I am only providing the times I know offhand because I am far too lazy to put too much time into this shit. No one's gonna read it anyway, am I right? Course I am.

South Park
Airs Wednesdays at 10PM EST and Saturdays at 10:30 PM EST on Comedy Central

That's right, the show that was truly popular for about a month and then fell into relative obscurity shortly after. During its short bout of success, South Park was the sort of thing people talked about and quoted for at least a whole day after each new episode. After this period, however, referencing the show led to comments such as "Who even watches that show anymore?" and "Why does my crotch itch so much?" I should know! Also, I cry myself to sleep at night! Anyhoo!!!

South Park is, in actuality, a surprisingly decent show that doesn't get nearly as much credit as it deserves. When it was popular, it was mostly just an excuse to be naughty and gross and say a lot of bad words, which is apparently what people want (mind you I'm not against this). Now, I must admit that there is something endearing about the older episodes with their ridiculous simplicity and basically dumb plots and I do still enjoy them quite a bit. However, it didn't take long in South Park's timeline before they started trying to make actual points. The whole show is essentially a satire. There were a few examples of this in early episodes like Death which carried messages of anti-censorship and how parents should pay attention to their kids (we'll ignore the fact that the movie had the exact same message on a larger scale..shh!!!) but almost every episode now contains some sort of message, usually blatantly presented (in blinding 2-D!!). For reference, here are some examples of the issues South Park has covered: hate crimes, the Elian Gonsalez thing, boy bands, the last U.S. presidential election (you know, the stupid one!), the stupidity of airport security, drugs, Jar Jar Binks, the bombing of Afghanistan, towel safety. Basically, South Park is a reasonably witty satire coated with an outer shell of sweet, sweet immaturity. I think people didn't give it enough of a chance to find that out about it, however, and therefore just got tired of the fart jokes and profanity. South Park really is a genuinely funny, genuinely smart show once you get past all the gross-out gags and such. I suggest you all give it another chance but if you can't get past the immaturity and see the wit it contains, well, you are a poopy pants and probably stupid too.

Invader Zim
Airs...well...never right now but I think in March it will be on Fridays at 9:30 PM EST and after that repeats will run on Sunday at 1 PM EST on Nickelodeon.

What sucks about writing about this show now is that IT IS TOO LATE TO DO NOTHIN' FOR IT!! Those BASTARDS at Nickelodeon recently cancelled it!! Grr! I am full of hatey anger!!! Invader Zim was at one time an extremely kick-ass cartoon show brought to you by the twisted mind of Jhonen Vasquez. If you have not heard of him, he is the mastermind behind such comics as Jhonny the Homicidal Maniac, Squee, I Feel Sick, Happy Noodle Boy, and Fillerbunny. If you have not read any of his works, I suggest you seek them out THIS INSTANT. They are not as easy to find as most mainstream comics but that is because they are so good! Find now, jackass!

At any rate, Invader Zim was a cartoon that took me completely by surprise. I happened to turn it on one day and I said "HOLY SHIT FUCK WHAT THE DAMN HELL CRAP IS THIS, JIMINEY?!" The main reason I said that is because the show was friggin' weird and because the drawing style was quite clearly Jhonen Vasquez-esque. When the credits rolled I saw that it was INDEED a creation by Mr. Vasquez and set forth to watch every episode after that. Now, I suck, so I didn't manage to do that and ended up missing it a lot which is something I cry about...even now! The keyboard is wet like grandpa!

Simply put, this show is probably the most wacky thing I've seen on Nickelodeon since Ren and Stimpy. It's really pretty crazy and some of it is downright nonsensical. I must say I found it odd that Jhonen Vasquez got a show on Nickelodeon. In case you didn't catch on last time, he wrote a comic titled Johnny the Homicidal Maniac. The show apparently got cancelled due to bad ratings which are probably attributed to the fact that it made kids' heads explode and people above twelve don't want to be caught dead watching Nick. The 9:30 airtime didn't help much either. WELL I SAY THIS, MY CHILDREN!! Swallow your pride because all hope is not lost (well it kind of is but we'll pretend it isn't)!!! Starting in March, Nick will run the last couple of new Invader Zim episodes, six in all I believe. Now there's probably no real chance of enough people watching these episodes for Nick to uncancel it (can they even do that?) but I might as well try to get the word out now. I want all three of you out there (meaning inside in front of your TVs) watching it!! Curses! If only I'd written this sooner! What a change we could've made!! No, I just kid.

I have heard that after the new episodes finish up that reruns will continue on Sundays at 1 PM EST but Jebus knows how long that'll last. Watch as much of this show as you can, regardless of whether it is going to go off the air or not. Hopefully Cartoon Network or somebody will pick it up and give it a good home. It's a truly strange, truly funny, and truly...um...happy in the trousers experience. While we're at it, the art is really cool too and kicks the pants off of much of the crappy drawings that tend to permeate cartoons these days. Watch this. I COMMAND IT.

Kids in the Hall
Airs weekdays from 2-3:00 PM EST on Comedy Central

I know this show has long since been cancelled and is now only reruns but I care not! This is sketch comedy at its finest. I'm a fan of Saturday Night Live (sometimes) too but in comparison, SNL would have to bend over and lick the ass of this show. LICK THE ASS. This show proves once again that Canadians are just inherently funnier than Americans and less violent too! Watch it. You will like it...or you will not...in which case, FUCK YOU, POODLEKNOCKER!!

All That
Airs sometime on Nickelodeon.

Nah, I'm just fucking with you. Don't watch this.

Soul Train
Airs on channel 11 after all the cartoons are done on Saturday morning.

It's the SOUUUUUUULLLL TRAIN, babeh! Get DOWN wit cho bad self! No, you don't really have to watch this either.

CLICK FOR PART TWO! NOW!


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