That 80's Show
Review By: Dan the Angry Conservative

I found That 70's Show to be one of the most bathos, paint-by-numbers shows ever. It's no coincidence that it came out shortly after Seinfeld came off the air. "HEY, LET'S DO SEINDFELD WITH YOUNGER PEOPLE!" Fucking shit. Plus sometimes people say I look like Eric, which I don't. It's just cause I have long, 70's style hair.

Therefore, my hopes for That 80's show were quite low. But I watched it anyway, hoping that it would have a rockin' 80's sound track. 80's music fucking rules. You've got new wave acts like Talking Heads and Blondie, metal like Motley Crue (sorry, I don't know how to make the umlauts) and AC/DC, and punk punk punk. The Clash hit its stride in the 80's, Minor Threat spawned the disease of sXe, and Joey Ramone continued putting out Ramones albums like a chicken with no head.

The show had no real character development. It did have two girls kissing, which seemed like a pathetic way to try to grab ratings. "TWO GIRLS KISSING IN THE FIRST EPISODE, MY FUCKING GOD I NEED TO WATCH THIS SHOW FOREVER!" I also scoffed at how at least two broads shaked their boobies at the camera. "WE CAN'T WRITE GOOD! MORE BOOBIES!"

The jokes were typical lame sitcom shit. They probably stole the jokes from Friends, fuck if I know. I'm pretty sure that the guy who plays the main character's dad played the dad on Unhappily Ever After, a shitty Married...With Children rip off, I think it was on the WB. It wasn't funny, but it had a red haired broad on it who was cuter than the blond broad on Married...With Children.

The show was kind of insulting to punk rock. One time, the protagonist wants to put on his Black Flag tape at work. Then latter in the show he says that "punk died 6 years ago." THAN WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU LISTENING TO BLACK FLAG, THE MOST PUNK ROCK BAND OF THE 80'S, SHIT-FOR-BRAINS!?! My favorite Black Flag song is Rise Above.

The protagonist (lets call him Bad Actor #1) makes fun of this punk girl. The girl responds with something like "don't make fun of me for being punk." Then Bad Actor #1 says "punk died 6 years ago. I was at a Sex Pistols show while you were in your PJs listening to The Bay City Rollers." Then the "studio audience" is like "ooooooooh." But that's retarded. He's pretty much saying that he liked punk when it was new and hip, but now that it's underground anyone who is punk is a poseur. YOU CAN ONLY BE INTO A TREND IF A LOT OF OTHER PEOPLE DO IT TOO! OTHERWISE IT'S GAY AND YOU'RE GAY!

Then the guy meets the punk broad later in an alley or something and she doesn't have her mohawk anymore. Her hair is down into a now-I-want-to-date-boys look. Then there is a lot of sexual tension that made me say to myself "I gotta watch next week to see if those two crazy kids get together!"

In conclusion, That 80's Show is one of the most synthetic shows I've ever seen. Written not as art, but as commercial product. Then again, perhaps this was done on purpose. Maybe the commercial nature of the show is to reflect the commercial nature of the 80's. Maybe this show truly is high art, metaphor and reflective allegory.

But it's more likely that a bunch of producers got together and threw something together to up their stock options and fellatio. Why are they called producers anyway? They don't produce anything, just sit around and tell other people how to do their jobs. Directors and actors and crewmembers, they are the real workers, the real producers. The workers must control the means of production, not fat cat Hollywood bourgeoisie!

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