Those Crappy Christmas Claymations
Review By: Ross

Then one foggy Christmas eve,
Santa came to say:
"Rudolph with your nose so bright,
I'm selling you to a big movie studio so that I can keep my little operation running tonight."

And so begins one of the worst traditions ever, besides killing yourself for your god or whatever those crazies in the Middle East do. These little pieces of pestilence-on-a-tape were made way back in the 1960's, before PCs, DVD players, and even before dinosaurs. Someone, somewhere, thought it would be a good idea to turn our beloved symbol of Christmas, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, into an advertisers' bitch, and advertising during these shows costs upwards of $2 per minute (Fun Fact!!! Rudolph was actually created by some department store in the 1920's as an advertising scheme, but since this ruins my point I'll pretend like I didn't know that).

So these so-called 'classics' air on Fox Family (Actually I think it's ABC family now, but whatever) from the first till the twenty-fifth, so it's hard not to see them. There's maybe about five different ones - I'm too lazy to confirm that - and they're all Claymations and they're all about Christmas. The only one I really remember is titled Rudolph, The Red-Nosed Reindeer and is about just that. Sam the Snowman narrates, and this guy voices him:

Diggity. The story goes something like this: The big R is fed up with Santa and his other reindeer, and can't get down with their flo'. He meets an elf named Hermie, who wishes to escape Santa's sweatshops and become a dentist. They have many travels, and I can't remember the actual plot but I'll do my best. As they come south they reach St. Petersburg, which is at this time still Communist. They are thrown into a small jail cell and fed nothing but bread and water for two months. Eventually they are let free by virtue of Santa, whose government has been overthrown by angry workers. As they leave the prison, they are caught up in a riot and Santa has his head split open with a brick. As Hermie and Rudolph run for their dear lives, they begin to realize that they have feelings for each other. They share a night of steamy homoerotic passion before Rudolph betrays Hermie and kills him with a shampoo bottle. Okay so maybe it doesn't go exactly like that, but you get the idea.

That's pretty much it for the review so you can stop reading now, but I have one more thing. While trying to find something on these Claymations, I came upon this bizarre little nugget. I'm not entirely sure why it's there, but I can tell you this: Long nosed bat who first recorded rudolph the red nosed reindeer rudolph the red nosed reindeer wav first recorded.


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