My Troubled Life With Steve Guttenberg
Written By: Ross

Truth to tell, my first feeling of animosity towards Steve Guttenberg was when I heard his name for the first time. "Guttenberg? What the fuck kind of name is that? Jesus Christ, he might as well be named Steve Guttenantidisestablishmentarianismberg." Then, by pure chance, I was unlucky enough to see 'It Takes Two' starring Mr. Guttenberg and those wacky and funtastic child actors, the Olsen Twins (who look like they're twelve but are actually thirty-seven). Remember how much you hated that goddamned song that the title is based on? Well the movie sucks infinitely more. I immediately made an involuntary mental association that Guttenberg = pain. Sometimes when I hurt myself I actually say "Guttenberg!"

I then saw Police Academy, which did absolutely nothing to ease the dread I felt towards his acting. Watching Police Academy 2, 3 and 4 was like pouring salt on a giant, infected boil and rubbing vigorously. Seriously, how long does it take to become a fucking policeman, anyway? After four movies you think he'd have a PhD in peacekeeping. Either that, or bad comedy.

Guttenberg's personality has been described as 'winsome', but I'd put it closer to 'mind-bogglingly nauseating'. I believe the IMDB said it best when they wrote: "Although this youthful-looking 'everyman' has appeared in some of the 1980s' most successful films, his own standing in the film industry hasn't significantly improved: when producers cast serious dramas or big-budget action flicks, Guttenberg's is a name that, apparently, never comes up." And that says one of his biggest problems right there. Guttenberg is only fit for comedy, and since he's not funny at all that makes him pretty damn useless.

Apparently he's directing a new romantic comedy entitled P.S. I Fucked Your Cat or something and it's supposedly his directing debut. Oh, since he was such a great actor he must be a wonderful director because you know that's how it goes. How can you star in a movie you're directing? I though you had to sit in a chair with a funky hat and a megaphone and yell at people. That seems pretty hard to do if you're acting.

And there's my two-cents. Please don't sue me.


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