The Five Worst Muppets...Ever!
Written By: Gringo

When my brain melted, I lost most of my ideas. However, I held onto one, which was to continue the Five Worst...Ever! lists on this site, which so far have run the gamut of Presidents, Cartoon Characters, Clowns and American Presidents.

Deciding to stick with the childish theme, I wanted to list the worst of the worst in the world of the Muppets, but was having trouble choosing. So I visited our forum (I enjoy excessive amounts of underlined web links in my articles) and appealed for people to give me their suggestions. The appeal went something like this:

Here is plan: I want to do another unfunny Five Worst...Ever article, and this time about the Muppets. So far, so TRAGICALLY BAD!

However, I want to (a) encourage community participation and (b) have a post on here that doesn't end in either: Darth: Heil! or Everyone else, ever: Shut up, Darth.

So please tell me your least favourite Muppet and why. WHO KNOWS? You could get a mention on Listen To Me...the site everyone's talking about! They just don't know it yet [a sad face went here].

Anyway, you can either go visit the forum and find out what people chose, or just read below and find out about the Five Worst Muppets...Ever! And this time, it's been decided democratically!

5. The Swedish Chef

I can't compete with what ShootTheWeasel said on the forum about this guy.

He wrote: "Worst Muppet ever you say? EASY!!! Ever since being a small child-like child I have had a LARGE hatred for this man. Bork Bork Bork!! That's right, it's none other than The Swedish Chef. I mean, what is there to not hate about him? For starters, he's SWEDISH. If there is one thing I learned as a child, it is that I hate Swedes. Why? FUCK YOU FOR ASKING SO MANY QUESTIONS!!!!!! That crazy chef is quoted as saying "Vergoofin der flicke stoobin mit der bork-bork yubetcha!" which is just plain ridiculous and stupid. I hate the Swedish Chef. He should be killed off so I can see more of the best Muppet ever: ZOOT!"

How the Hell can you argue with a single word of that? It's impossible! The chef was indeed a prick, and his idea of comedy was to mumble some foreign words and throw some vegetables in the air. Occasionally he would throw a butcher's knife at someone, but it never hit the intended target(s) so he still sucks. Next!

Hmm...pasting other people's comments instead of having to make my own up is very convenient. I think I will continue with this!

4. Scooter

In the schoolyard of the Muppets, Scooter is the fat loser, not picked for sports games and sitting on his own, shedding a tear over his Doctor Who book, first edition. He's a non-entity as far as the other felt creations are concerned, and I can't think of a single use he had in the show, the movies or anything else.

An anonymous guest on the forum wrote "Scooter or Skeeter or whatever. You know, the gopher - he didn't do anything and looked really stupid." That's a fair assessment. Jack Is Cool helpfully explained "Scooter was the nerd. He did all the technical stuff," to which uber-geek Ross said "I guess he was kind of cool in the Muppet Babies, but in the Muppet show he really didn't serve enough of a purpose to actually be his own Muppet."

I have a response for you, Ross. NO, NO SCOOTER WAS NOT COOL, NEVER! He was a dork who played with his computer in the Muppet Babies and then went nowhere fast! I hope you have learned from this!

Plus, he had a stupid haircut that looked like a few carrots had been hastily arranged on the top his fat, dense head.

3. Kermit

Oh, sure, pick on the sweet little guy. Okay, I will! Also, no one in the world is allowed to argue with forum user and guest writer Sopa, who also hates this particular Muppet. He wrote, "Well, everyone hates Kermit, he sucks. Actually, I have not watched the Muppets enough to know the characters but I can tell you: that frog sucks. Yes, it's probably very obvious to hate him since he is the main character and gets all the attention, sort of like hating Mickey."

Well, Sopa, rest assured that Mickey is just as annoying! He's like Kermit, but with a squeakier voice! And they're both to blame for me using far too many exclamation marks in this article!

Another forum person, Jack Is Cool, said, "I liked Kermit. He had that humble attitude that didn't piss me off," but quite frankly if I hear Kermit sing It's Not Easy Being Green one more time, I will run over to the swamp he lives in and snap his stupid neck. If it's not easy, choose another colour you dumb prick!

Just like another certain Muppet (see below), he's overused and the people in charge of the shows and movies seem to have some sort of stupid attachment to him. When you've got genuinely funny Muppets like Pepe the Prawn, this frog should be left to the sidelines. Or eaten, if you're French.

2. Dr. Teeth

The forum user greatpandaonita summed up my feelings about this character with the simple line "irritating as shit." Yes, yes he was.

In addition, he bears more than a passing resemblance to my old English teacher, which is ample reason to hate the fact he exists. His role seemed to be that of a guy who shouts a lot, has stupid teeth (hence the name) and plays in a crap band. He also had a knack of wearing crap hats, and if that isn't a stain on a person's character, I don't know what is.

Almost as annoying as Dr. Teeth was fellow band member Janice, a dippy Muppet version of one-note actress Lisa Kudrow. "Look at me! I can play a goofy blonde! I AM DOING IT GOOD!!!!" Saxophonist Zoot was indeed the only decent musician in the band, and should have gone solo instead of touring with the group of misfits led by Dr. Teeth.

Also! Dr. Teeth had a very low, ear-injuring voice. It makes me shudder to think about it. Shudder all day long! I spent about five minutes trying to think of other band members (I could have just used the Internet), but got nowhere, so I shall have to focus my hatred squarely on this individual.

Having said that, he's nowhere near as skull-explodingly bad as the next - and final - Muppet on this list.

1. Miss Piggy

What an annoying fucking slab of ham. The most stuck-up, unfunny and irritating Muppet in the world. For some reason the Muppet creators keep reeling her out, even though there isn't a single person on Earth who can stand her.

Clearly, the smart money was on this fat bitch in the forum. Jack is Cool said, "Piggy on the other hand. What a bitch! She treated Kermit like shit and he kept crawling back. Domestic violence? She was also stuck up as hell. I know that my knowledge and personal vendetta with Miss Piggy is weird, but I just watched The Muppet Movie with my friend and this is coincidental." CORRECT!

Fionn said, "Miss Piggy has always annoyed me. She never offered any real comedy at all, just annoyance". CORRECT!

Darth Phenom said, "I could never stand Miss Piggy. Heil!" DARTH, GET OFF MY INTERNET!

Now all that is left to do is go and unload the contents of a nail gun into her stupid fat Muppet face. Alternatively, if you can't track Miss Piggy down, just go and kick the next pig you see, even if a farmer shouts "What the hell are you doing?!?" Kick him too. Just say Miss Piggy made you do it!


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