The Eggstractor
Written By: Kris Wilson

This great product known as the "Eggstractor" brings a whole new meaning to "I can peel these fast enough to hold 8 boiled eggs in my mouth without my fingers getting soggy." The Eggstractor is assbanging its way into the world and its not leaving any egg unpeeled.



I asked myself the same question when I was an inexperienced little Wilson that had no clue about the stress of peeling boiled eggs. So I went onto their official site to discover in depth the truly magnificent power that is the Eggstractor.

"Eggstractor is the amazing new revolutionary product! Tired of peeling eggs?.........Not anymore! Simply place a hardboiled egg into the Eggstractor, and out pops your peeled egg. It's that easy! For snacks, parties, meals, fast food, and fun food."

EXACTLY!!! I've always felt that eating food is soooo boring. Now I can have FUN FOOD!?!? What the fuck, Santa? My Christmas wish is late!


It's simple! Kinda like a Rubik's cube that's all one color. Simply tap on both sides. Not one, both. I've come to the conclusion that if you tap only one side, a horrific explosion will occur. Which is fun but its not food : -\

Then place the egg in the tray. Place both hands on top of the pump, (BOTH HANDS) and simply press down and presto!

That's right Timmy, Its fuckin' magic!

But how does it work? HOW, I ASK!? Well it takes a large brain capacity but I will continue. There is a sack in the shell that is spaced from the shell that carries air. The pump compresses air into the sack separating the shell from the containments making me not give a shit.


Many people come up and ask me "Gee Kris, how can I act like a pirate?" And I always tell them "Bitch, you crazeh!" And then I color on their pupils with sharpies. But how do you? My three-step method should make you a swashbuckling matey in no time.

Step One

Talk like a pirate. If you can't talk like a pirate and claim to be one, this obviously makes you a self-masochist. And you go straight to hell. You obviously need to learn some lingo. For example:

-Excuse me, could you hand me a soda pop, sir?
-ARRRGH, fetch me a pint of ail you scurvy curr!

Notice the difference, every sentence must start with ARRRRGH or Ye. Once again

-I'm hungry, let's go get some food.
-ARGH Me stomach is grumblin', cast the sails for some grub.

Also keep in mind to change your name to Smithy. Another good pirate line is:

-ARRRRGH, what's in yerrrrrrr wallet?

Step Two

You've got the lingo, now you need to know how to plunder and pillage like a true swashbuckler. But where's ye boat? Here are some at home tips on how to get your own boat without leaving the house! But you will have to leave the house to be a pirate. Keep that in mind.... lazy ass.

-One FedEx box
-One broom (wood or plastic)
-Some colored pencils and paper
-A coat hanger
-A Slingshot
-Some rocks
-1 Peanut Butter and jelly sandwich.
-And finally an empty roll of toilet paper.

Now you can assemble your very own ship and supplies! Use the FedEx box as the boat itself. Then stand the broom up in the box for the nest box at the top. Then using the paper and colored pencils, make your own flag and hoist it on your broom. After that you can have a yummy snack with your sandwich :)

Use the coat hanger for your hook. A metal coat hanger just screams "look out I'm a pirate" so if you have a metal one, kill someone else for one. And lastly use the toilet paper roll as a shiny new scope!

Step Three

You're finally ready to pillage and plunder and other piratey words. But how are you going to go about this? Simple. Find a beach or lake and search for people or big red X's. When you find some people here is the beginner's plan. Say there are two kids building their sandcastle on the beach. You and your mateys (or m8eys) run out there and pillage your hearts contempt. Have one of your m8eys kick the sand castle over into their faces and steal their shovels and buckets. Have one man with the ship ready to go as he guns rocks at them with his slingshot. Then you grab yer booty and get on the ship before they call for their mom. SUCCESS!

And that is why you should buy the Eggstractor. Now go exchange currency for this godly product.

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