I bet you thought you'd gotten away with it! Yes, whether you like it or not, I'm back with another Oscars prediction article. As predictable as another miserable day of the Bush Presidency, the 76th Annual Academy Awards will be here tomorrow. That's February 29th, if you're reading this several months from now and wondering what on Earth I am wittering on about. And that means I write about one of the awards categories, giving my reasons for and against the various nominees winning, as well as making on the whole lame predictions. Want to step back in time? Well, I managed to guess the winner of the Academy Award For Best Makeup correctly two years ago. That contrasts nicely with getting the winner of Academy Award For Animated Feature Film hopelessly wrong last year. So what category have I chosen this time round? Well, I was going to write about Best Actor, but it would have just been the words "GIVE IT TO BILL MURRAY" typed over and over and over again. So instead, I've scoured the list of nominations to find the one I can get the least possible comedy mileage out of. Let's put this joke car in first gear!
• A Kiss At The End Of The Rainbow (A Mighty Wind) •
• Scarlet Tide (Cold Mountain) •
• The Triplets Of Belleville (The Triplets Of Belleville) •
• You Will Be My Ain True Love (Cold Mountain) •
Oh no! We've stalled! Quick! Reverse! REVERSE! Yes, I've chosen the category of Best Music (Song). Why they couldn't just call it Best Song is beyond me. Anyway, by way of a pointless preamble, I shall continue. I enjoy watching the Oscars, even though just like everyone else out there I only care about five or six categories. I remember two years ago Ross and I started typing up a live commentary of the 74th ceremony, prompted by my believing it would be a really great idea. You're probably delighted that I never got round to uploading it (Ross had a life and went to go do something more interesting about halfway through) and the idea hasn't been attempted since. So instead, you end up with a pretty sub-standard article on yearly basis devoted to just one Academy Award. Before we get started, let me just repeat something for any voters out there: GIVE THE OSCAR TO BILL MURRAY NOW PLEASE. Seriously, Lost In Translation is far better than any dorkfest of trolls, long-haired ruffians and the like. Plus, who doesn't want to see Peter Venkman get an Oscar? And if you heard his faxed acceptance speech at the stupid BAFTA awards, you know it makes sense to get him up on stage tomorrow.
The only reason I think this song has a good chance of getting the nod is because it's one of the 11 nominations The Lord Of The Rings has going for it. You can pretty much guarantee that most Academy Awards nights will follow certain trends, and of those trends the bandwagon is a pretty popular one. You know the deal: when a movie gets so much word of mouth about it that it gets nominated in a bunch of categories, sometimes without much point. Time to admit that I haven't seen this movie (although that Aragorn sure is a cute one), nor have I seen the second one. I think the reason why is that I couldn't get through the first movie without thinking "Mikey! You are the new Chunk!" So I'm guessing this is a droning musical number which is popular on the mp3 (or legitimate CD) playlists of dorks everywhere. They probably play it and have a tear welling in their eye when they think of that ending where Gollum bites Frodo's finger off and falls to his fiery doom alongside the fabled ring. See! I haven't even seen the movie and I can still spoil it!
Chance of winning: 25%
For a more in-depth (well, okay, not more in-depth, but you get more clever swear words) review of A Mighty Wind, point your clicking device right here. This isn't the best song the Academy could have nominated from the movie. That honour goes to the titular (tee hee!) song, which for simpletons means it has the same name as the movie's title. But A Kiss At The End Of The Rainbow (italics overload!) is still a decent tune and is pretty central to the movie's plot. Plus, it means there is the slim chance you get to see Eugene Levy and Catherine O' Hara don clown-like wigs and perform this song live. It's a parody of a folk song, but is embarrassingly enjoyable to listen to. Although it's probably one of the more memorable of the five listed here, the Oscars have never given Christopher Guest the full credit he deserves, so I don't really see that changing this year. Plus, when the movie Waiting For Guffman came out, the Academy had a bunch of great fake songs to choose from (such as Stool Boom, which in Internet terms makes you LOL and by the end ROFL). In other words, don't expect this song to be picking up that little golden naked guy tomorrow.
Chance of winning: 10%
I haven't seen this movie and to be honest don't really want to. I met Anthony Minghella once. He was a nice guy. But that doesn't make one bit of difference to the fact that I haven't seen this, nor any other movie he's made. Guilt trip! For that reason, I'm probably not the best person to be judging whether Scarlet Tide should take the title of Best Music (Song) tomorrow. Ah well, them's the breaks! Still, this could be one of those situations where you don't really pay attention to what's happening, a bunch of votes come in for this song, it wins the Oscar, and the next thing you know your son is playing for money in a pinch-back suit! Or not! Now, let me tell you the story of how I came to write this article. It happened on one of them zip-a-dee-doo-dah days. Ole' Gringo had run out of words to type about one of the songs which was nominated for the 76th Annual Academy Awards. But by sticking in a couple of movie references, he found he was able to pad out the paragraph enough to bring it to an end. I don't want this song to win.
Chance of winning: 15%
Listen, Academy! This is an original song! In fact, an original song worthy of winning an Oscar, it's that good! The Triplets Of Belleville is an insane movie. There are about three or four lines of dialogue and the rest is an explosion of music that will either leave you joyously overjoyed, or pissed off and suffering from a throbbing headache. Both happened to me watching the movie! This song is instantly catchy and I very much look forward to how they're going to present this tomorrow night. It'd be nice to think a brand new cartoon segment's been drawn, but, uh, no. It's a catchy old music hall-style number that is guaranteed to get the listener hooked after the first line. Also, during this song (in the movie) a tap-dancing man gets eaten by his own shoes and a 20ft tall fat woman bounces onto a stage while a naked woman with a banana skirt gets attacked by monkeys in tuxedos. If that's not a situation worthy of being rewarded with an otherwise meaningless gold statue, I don't know what is. Look, Mr. Academy, I don't care if you've already drilled the nameplate for this award and it's not this song. CHANGE IT. It's either that, or you get to listen to Torgo's greatest hits.
Chance of winning: 35%
Okay, I have several problems with this nominee. First of all, didn't your mother ever tell you it was rude to be greedy? What the fuck are you doing have two nominations in one category? Is that because Mr. Oscar thinks out of the hundreds of movies released this year that, hmm, maybe only four managed to have a song worth nominating, as one of that selection had TWO of those songs? Or is it just to spite me because I like using ALL font styles POSSIBLE?!! Secondly, the title of this song makes absolutely no sense. Unless "ain" means "one" when pronounced by an American actor trying to do an "Oirish" accent. In addition, I am also fond of "these" "quotation" "marks". I have the horrible feeling that, even though I haven't heard this song either, it's one of those impossibly twee numbers with lots of string instruments and wailing singing. Sadly, Uncle Academy seems to love this kind of tripe. Still, I'm hoping neither Cold Mountain song wins, simply because it might show the nominators that hey, maybe they should try watching a few more movies next year. Oh! Time to come up with percentage odds for this song, decided purely on a whim! Here goes!
Chance of winning: 15%
Well, the difference between what I think will win, what I want to win, and what actually will win can be quite large. I was right the first year round, and wrong the second year round, so the law of averages says my prediction could go either way. The law of patterns suggests I'll get it right this year. A bit of simple maths shows that I think The Triplets Of Belleville will win the Academy Award For Best Music (Song). Plus, I really want it to win the award. Let's look at the evidence, shall we? Cold Mountain deserves to win nothing because it's nominated twice and that's unfair on the others. Sucks to be you! I guess the song from The Lord Of The Rings is standard whiny fare which the Academy has given more than enough awards to. And the song from A Mighty Wind won't win because the last time the judges showed they had a funny bone was when they gave Gwyneth Paltrow an award for uh, anything ever. Oh, and Sir Oscar, if you're wondering who Torgo is/are, then I have a simple bit of advice for you: give the award to the song I've chosen, or you'll find out.
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