2003 Sucked My Dick!
Written By: Joe
You know, I didn't care about doing a Best/Worst of 2003 thing up until now. In fact, I was enjoying not doing one because the other sites we link to are doing one and I think it is funny to fuck up the system! Yeah! Take that, internet people! Screwing with your plans makes me feel so much better about myself!!
Anyway, then I saw Jeff did a 2003 thing and you know that principle where you don't want something until someone else has it? You know like in that one Simpsons episode where Lisa takes the ball away from Maggie? Well, yeah, it's like that basically. I can't let things go on without giving my goddamned opinion of 2003 now that Jeff's is up there! Dammit, what I say is just too damn important, damn it! Damn it!
If you found Jeff's article to be quickly or shoddily constructed in any way (you picky bastards!), you ain't seen crap-nothin' yet! Grr! I have things to say and no care to organize them! Blaaaaaah! Enjoy my quickly slapped together very "me too"-ish Best/Worst of 2003 list! Actually, I'm going to steal a lot of my category ideas from Jeff because I really can't think of anything else. Also, just like last year, I'll probably fuck it up by including personal entries about my life because I don't keep up on pop culture nearly enough! Awesome!
We will do the best things first because I didn't think 2003 was particularly good or stood out in any way. Also, I enjoy dwelling on negativity so the Worst part should be a good deal more entertaining (I mean for me). Let's see what happens now.
1. Best Video Game - Ratchet And Clank: Going Commando
I'm doing this first because it's the easiest thing to remember because it was on Jeff's list. He said it was best PS2 game. I say best game period simply because I don't have any systems other than PS2 so I really haven't sampled a vast gamut of the games this year so I'll just say it's the best video game of the year, period. Hell, I may have even played some better games earlier in the year but it's not my job to remember things that far back now is it! We's off to a good start!
2. Best Movie - The Enchanted Nemesis
AHAHAHAHAHAHA! I DO WHAT I WANT! Me and my friend Colin's glorious creation, The Enchanted Nemesis, is easily the best film (ever?) of 2003! You may have noticed that you can still check it out as we've linked to it at the top of the main page for about eight months now (for your convenience, it's also linked at the bottom!!)! And it's a real bargain at only 350 MB total! Awesome! Ahahahaahahah! For anyone who actually downloaded it, you are our favorite suckers! Thanks!
3. Other Best Movie - Lost In Translation
Bill Murray, you so crazy! This movie is so nice! It's like a movie where nothing happens except what you'd probably expect. A nice slice of reality, really! Lord Of The Rings is epic-looking and Hollywood-lovely and all but artfags like me know where the real beef is at! Up in dis!!! Take that Jeff! Take that!!!!!
4. Best Actor I Done Seen Doin' Stuff This Year - Sean Penn
Sure, Audrey Tautou is durn purty and was pretty awesome rockin' a fraudulent Turkish accent and speaking in INGLESE in Dirty, Pretty Things but GODDAMN if Sean Penn can't act himself up a Thanksgiving dinner!! His performance in Mystic River made me all shocked in the face! And he punches cameramen! The shit! What's not to like?!
5. Best Thing that Happened - Fat Children Exploding
This must have happened somewhere and it must have been very entertaining to witness.
6. Best Band - The Pillows
They were formed back in the 80's and they're Japanese but they were only largely introduced to STUPID AMERICANS!!!! this year thanks to Cartoon Network awesomely showing FLCL on Adult Swim. Also, they released a new album, Penalty Life, and I enjoy it quite a bit! Also, I only found out about them this year as well, actually only a month or so before Cartoon Network's FLCL showing, which makes me slightly better than everybody else. Eat it!
7. Most Unexpected Good Thing that Happened to Me - Meeting a Girl I Actually Like at my College
Who'da thunk it?!
8. Awesomest Person of the Year - Me!
Man, I just keeping getting cooler and cooler! 2003 was the year I decided to truly ostracize myself from most of society due its propensity to piss me off! I plan to follow through on this all the more in 2004! Yeah! Yay for me! Shut up! I hate you!
9. Best Commercials - Those Anti-Marijuana PSAs
The one where they run over the little girl on the bike is priceless!
10. Best Best/Worst of 2003 List - Mine!
All right! Take that, Jeff! How can you expect to win this one when my list was written by the person who won most Awesomest Person of the Year?! Indeed!
1. We Caught Saddam!
And he was all disheveled and bearded and lying in a hole with a fan blowing on him. We no longer have anything to fear from the sitting in hole with a fan-related terror he could have possibly unleashed upon us. Whew!!
1. Worst Movie - The Fucking Matrix 3
Good lord, and I thought the second one was bad enough. Not only was this not even entertaining to watch as an action movie, it also shit all over every thing it bothered to set up painstakingly slowly in the preceding film! OHHH LOOK AT THEM FLY THROUGH THE AIR WHILE PUNCHING!! What utter tripe! At least those two idiots died though. That's about the only good thing here.
2. Other Worst Movie - The Enchanted Nemesis
AHAHAHAHAHA How can I make this one of the worst AND one of the best films of the year?! Magic! You won't find out unless you download the whole goddamned thing and watch it. Then you will also join the sucker brigade. I would recommend. It is a prestigious brigade and you get to engage in a lot of sucking.
3. Worst Thing that is the Television - Television
Goddammit, I think TV is the worst it's ever been and that is saying a lot as it has never really been good! Paris Hilton, Joe Millionaire, and The Bachelorette, oh my! Purile shit! The only good things on TV are Adult Swim, South Park, and (to a much lesser extent because the new ones bite pretty hard) The Simpsons. That doesn't save TV. It still sucks far too much to make me not hate it. I wouldn't have even been aware of some of this shit if I hadn't been hanging out and watching TV with people who piss me off (refer to Best of 2003 #8).
4. Worst Music of the Year - Just About Everything on the Radio/MTV
Goddamned pop shit! Goddamn it! The only good songs I can remember are that Junior Senior one that goes "Everybody! Move your feet and feel united! Oohhohhhhohhh!" and that song Hey Ya by Outkast.
5. Most Annoying and Overrated Thing - Madonna and Britney Spears' Kiss
OK, so it was pretty hot but it wasn't even that amazing an event. I've seen girls kiss before! I've got lots of videos on my computer where lots of girls kiss! With more tongue! And not always on the lips! On top of which, the whole thing was a really uncreative publicity stunt which attempted to rekindle Britney Spears' somewhat dwindling popularity and Madonna's VERY dwindling popularity. Annoyingly and admittedly not unexpectedly, the media latched onto this like a latchhorse latching on to a latchery (you know how that is). Madonna needs to stop being old and die already. Britney needs to get into the porn business.
6. Most Unsatisfying Activity - Not Slapping Old People
I really need to look into the opposite of this next year. I have made it my resolution.
7. Crappiest Thing About the Most Unexpected Good Thing that Happened to Me - She Gotta Boyfriend
Sucks to be me!
8. Worst Thing - The Internet
I can't believe this shit is still around. It does nobody any good at all. Oh wait, there's porn. Perhaps I should have rethought this. Too late now!
9. This is a Crime I Say! - Family Guy gets More Respect than Futurama
Both shows are good but Futurama is a lot wittier which is probably why people care less about it. I'm not saying I'm unhappy about Family Guy getting revived with new episodes. I just think Futurama deserves it more. Well, I still get the DVDs anyway. So there!
10. Worst ListenToMe.net-Related Thing - www.ListenToMe.net
I put this on last year's list too so it's pretty much expected...uh...well I expect it from myself. I realize nobody really expects anything from us at all or even actually visits the site. But anyhow, why not include this?! I mean it all the more this year! Approximately none of us (us being the people who originally began writing for this site, not the happy homosexual new people...oh, or Gringo) care about the site anymore and I believe it truly shows in what little content we actually still produce for this shite house. On top of which, the LTM Store is back with all kinds of crappy material, including shirts with pictures of things I drew on them that I didn't even say was OK to put on a shirt but, whatever, no one's going to buy anything anyway and I guess Gringo is entitled to the thirty cents (I don't know what that is in Foreigner Money) he could possibly make from it within the next fourty-seven or so years.
Yeah, that's right. I'm putting 2004 on my list of worst things in 2003. I can do that! I'm just getting a head start on things. Now I don't have to do a list come the end of next year...at least not until Jeff does one and I get all jealous like a girl. LIKE A GIRL!!!!!!