2003 Award-A-Majig
Written By: Jeff

2003 is over, Now begins 2004! In conjunction with Mike Fireball from Poprocks & Coke and a bunch of other websites, we at LTM bring you the uh... Awardies celebrating the things that made 2003 interesting. I know that this was supposed to be the first article up for the new year, but rules are made to be broken and I just started doing this a few days ago.

Best Movie - The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

Director Peter Jackson promised the movie going public more action, suspense and kick ass visuals in the final installment of his film adaptation of J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings and delivered on all fronts. The acting, music, set designs and just about everything else blends together to make without a doubt, the best film of the year. Also I really enjoyed watching Denethor's death which I found hilarious.

Best Performance - The Monkey from Pirates of the Caribbean

This little guy isn't being rewarded for being an animal actor following the commands of its off screen trainer. No, this monkey is being rewarded because it played not just a monkey but a zombie pirate monkey on a ship filled with zombie pirates. Come to think of it, this film was a ninja and robot away from being the best movie ever.

Best Performance by a Stick - Keanu Reeves, The Matrix Reloaded/Revolutions

I know Keanu can act, I've seen it before I swear, but his performance in the final two Matrix movies have me questioning my sanity. Stiff as a board and speaking in monotone, Mr. Reeves made Ben Stein's performance in Ferris Bueller's Day Off look more like Jim Carrey's in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. However, to his defense, everyone else in that movie came off the same way so maybe the directors are to blame here.

Best PS2 Game - Ratchet and Clank: Going Commando

WHAT YOU SAY!? I hear from people but this wins with good reason, because it's fun. Featuring great graphics, control, music and a variety of new weapons, gadgets and planets along with a new experience based weapon/Ratchet growth system its more than just a rehash of last year. Best of all is the way it never takes itself seriously. There's no "He tortured me, now I want clichéd revenge. ANGST!!" type of storyline just a humorous trip through the galaxy blowing the shit out of anything that moves.

Best Gamecube Game - The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker

No surprise here, Link's latest adventure is one of his best featuring a unique artistic design and at least showing an attempt to piece together the series fractured time line. Although most didn't appreciate the cartoonish approach to the game at first, seeing it in motion will easily change their minds, DAMN IS IT SMOOTH! Sure it's a little on the easy side but I think at this point in the current sate of video games, everybody is well aware at how easy things are getting.

Best Xbox Game - Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic

Honesty, this is winning because it's the only other Xbox game besides Halo that I've played so...Congratulations!

Best Gameboy Advance Game - Mario and Luigi: Superstar Saga

Hilarious RPG adventure starring Nintendo's #1 guy and his brother Mario. It's a great to see a series this old celebrate it's history with cameos and in-jokes but still offer a new and unique gameplay experience with its use of both brothers at once and an entire new world to explore.

Best Resurrection of a Classic Series - Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time

Almost a classic lost forever, Prince of Persia came back to gamers better than ever. Packing great graphics, killer moves and real nifty time altering effects, the latest game managed to make everyone forget about the shitbiscuit that was Prince of Persia 3D.

Best Nod to Old School Gaming - Viewtiful Joe

It looks like a comic book, plays like final fight and is one of the toughest games to come out since Shinobi (PS2). Viewtiful Joe took us back to a simpler time where skill is needed, lives are limited and you don't have a 3-D environment to save your ass from enemy fire

Worst Game of the Year - Tomb Raider: Angel of Darkness

Just when you think the series couldn't get any worse than it already was, along comes Angel of Darkness and Core Designs proves that they are truly masters of their crap. Cities are populated by three people, controls are sluggish, the growth system is literally retarded and there's an insane amount of bugs all throughout. Congratulations Core, you're the T*HQ of this generation.

Best Comedy - Aqua Teen Hunger Force

Sure it's animated and yeah it doesn't make sense half the time but you can't deny that it's funny.

Best Drama - The Shield

Proving that police corruption can be fun, The Shield delivers the goods with great story lines, violent actions and a heavy does of the expletives. I never thought I'd see a guy get his face burnt on a stove while watching TV before, now I expect it every time.

Best Late Night Talk / Variety Show - Late Night with Conan O'Brien

Night after night Conan delivers the goods with hilarious skits, characters, interviews and his usual self-depreciating humor. I didn't feel like making a Conan trophy so I used that instead.

Best Use of Colors - Terror Alert Chart

A simple color coded grid to tell us how paranoid we should be also wins a special award for the Best Waste of Taxpayer Money because someone had to make it and I'm sure they were paid.

Most Hyped Event - Shock and Awe Campaign

Hyped up for about a week, this was to be a grand event that would be remembered for all time. While I'm sure the result in Iraq was something spectacular and terrifying, all we got to see was a bunch of flashing lights because the position of the news networks camera sucked. Hooray.

The Holy Shit! Moment - The Capture of Saddam Hussein

Didn't see that coming, good job.

Biggest Asshole of the Year - Death

This year an epidemic of celebrity death swept across the country taking favorites like Mr. Rogers and Art Carney but leaving others like Rosie O'Donnell and Vin Diesel. Even Fred "Rerun" Berry couldn't escape Death's cold grasp but luckily, Mr. T is still with us.

Best Actor Elected to Office after a Recall - Arnold Schwarzenegger

Californians elected the Kindergarten Cop after recalling their old governor in an election with over a hundred candidates. Hang in there Gary, there's always next time.

The Edward Specialton Award for Excellence - Steve Bartman

In game six of the NLCS playoffs, fan Steve Bartman intercepted a ball that Chicago Cubs player Moises Alou most likely would have caught bringing an end to the eight inning. Unfortunately, that one play spelled then end for the Cubs and Bartman was escorted out of the stadium by security while being pelted with beer and death threats. Remember Steve, unless it actually reaches the stands, it's still in play.

So there, all the awards I'm up to giving out. See you next year!


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