LTM's Night Before Christmas
Written By: Lauren

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the casa,
Not a creature was stirring - Aye Caramba! Que pasa?

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that Gringo soon would be there.
Joe and Ross were nestled all snug in their bed,
While visions of bum sex danced in their heads.

And Phen in his 'kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw out the hash (it's illegal).

The moon on the breast (haha. That's the real line) of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.

Gringo in a sleigh and a big red sombrero
Came dashing along like a crazy bombero.
And pulling his sleigh instead of venados
Were eight little burros approaching volados.

More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.

"Now, SHADIX! Now, MAPSO! now, CHIBA and NIXON!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of drUUUgs, and Gringo too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
Down the chimney Gringo came with a bound.

He was dressed all in brown, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bundle of drUUUgs he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a dealer just smoking his crack.

His eyes - how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow (all lies).

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
He whipped out his pistol and shot me dead.

He started to grab everything in sight,
He stole the TV, my stereo and VCR that night,
Gringo crept over to the bed where Ross lay asleep
And left him a present by beating his meat.

Then chuckling aloud, seeming very contento,
He turned like a flash and was gone like the viento.
And I heard him exclaim, and this is verdad,
Merry Christmas to all, and Feliz Navidad! Demand demand!

FIN, mother bitches

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