Jesus Kicks Ass: A Christmas Special
Written By: Darth Phenom

Now chile, ya ain't gonna believe this one. I'z about te tell y'all about a true fairystory, see? This one comes all da way from da far-off land o' China. CHINA. Er, fuck this. I ain't a damn wigga now, y'all.

This is tale of a love of four seasons. Spanning from the icy Tibetan peaks to the mighty blue ocean in all its vast wetness. Let the towers of Peking ring the sound of the new emperor, let the Great Wall protect the children and the fields. Yet why has the old man dashed his head upon the steps?

Few westerners are aware of this, but Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, was in fact not Algerian after all. It is so typical of low-skilled westerners to rip everything off Asia. They steal the concept of Chinese fast food, they steal the idea of the motorcar, but now they steal religion! But at last here is a film finally able to set the record straight: no longer will these white-skinned foreign devils rip off the fruit of the people's labour for their own selfish means! Yes! No!

Right from the opening credits, LARGE DRAGON DYING RAT sets off the tone at a frantic pace! Mongol bandits raid a dilapidated barn in a peaceful village stealing ramen noodles and laughing like panthers and leave a pregnant woman crying in the hay. All seems doomed but suddenly a zoom-in reveals this poor woman's stomach begin to rumble and JESUS (Jackie Chan) busts on out!! Kick, punch, spinning heel kick, limit break, it soon all over! But unfortunately the bandits have escaped with vast supplies of ramen noodles. JESUS takes a vow of... vengeance. A vow of VENGEANCE! He will also have his revenge. And retribution. I admire the extraordinary abilitiles of Chan in this scene as well as the amazing usage of so many colours and angles. This truly sets the standard for a remarkable production.

But soon JESUS realizes he cannot wage war against this raging horde alone. Thus he spreads his beliefs amongst followers and they establish a school of the FIGHTING DRAGON FIST. Many students soon enlist and the school soons gain recognition. Now this concept was a work of inspired genius. Congratuations surely must go to the writer for a mind such as his.

Unfortunately, another fighting order known only as J.E.W.S. (Jade Edifice Water Society) soon seeks the destruction of the FDF for reasons only revealed once you see the movie for yourself! Nonetheless, the devious actions of J.E.W.S. will both enthrall and terrify even the most steadfasty of audience viewer. They are lead by the unscrupless and calculating SATAN (Jet Li). Now most of the people will be quite unfamiliar with Li's role as villian but let it not be said he indeed excelled at it! He truly revels in this role and it is quite a wonder why he has insisted on playing the good guy throughtout his career.

Inevitably, combat between JESUS and SATAN is unavoidable. It simply must happen. Now this battle truly ranks amongst the greats of Chinese film history. Finally, Chan and Li on the same screen in one place. How many lifetimes have you waited for this? But perhaps here lies my only disappointment in this otherwise outstanding masterpiece. Perhaps greater direction could have been given to the combatants but they disappoint. This scene only lasts a mere 48:08.572 minutes and I counted no more than 8078 separate manouvres. Perhaps the focus here was more on the story but nonetheless I was ultimately disappointed.

Although even this did not detract in entirety from the outstanding production that is LARGE DRAGON DYING RAT. What I failed to mention was the love interest of JESUS. Hot rising talent Bay Li produces a career-forging performance as the lover of JESUS. It is well known Chan has shown limitations in romance but certainly not so here as Bay Li carries him to a performance which will certainly appease the critics!

You will notice I have revealed little of the plot for it is so outstanding you just do not want to read of it but have an experience of it! Yes, I suggest this an ideal present for the holidays even better than SOCKS and who doesn't love SOCKS?!


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