A Guide To Dancing
Written By: Gringo

When I went to California in 2002, I was over the legal drinking age in the US for the first time ever. This meant going to several bars and clubs and seeing how Americans drink and dance. I now present my findings. Also, the pictures of the stick men might remind you of something. I couldn't be bothered to draw detailed cartoons of the dancers, so I went with good old stick men shaking their pixellated booties. Only problem is, Nothing Sacred have done it (a) before, (b) better and (c) A WORD BEGINNING WITH THE LETTER B TO ADD TO THE ALLITERATION FUN! For example, they used comedy stick men to very good effect in this article about porn. You should probably see the pictures below as homage to the funny people over at Nothing Sacred, and not a lame rip-off. Yeah...homage...that's exactly what it is. You should go visit Nothing Sacred and give Danimal lots of money. I would, but I bought Joe and Ross mugs with the Gringo logo on them (I'm nice like that) and it used up all $5 of my collective wealth. And I'm not even American! THE ADVENTURES I HAD TRYING TO PAY WITH DOLLARS IN BRITAIN! HO HO! Cunt.

Knocking On The Door

The most basic manoeuvre if you're a dumb American yokel on the dance floor. Essentially, it involves raising one arm high above your head, and then rocking your hand forwards and backwards, as if knocking on a door. That no one wants to answer! I found that this particular style of dancing was extremely popular when it came to numbers by people like Eminem, but that still doesn't explain why it only seems to be the assholes who do it. Knock, knock. Who's there? A prick! The nearest my in-depth research could bring me to an understanding of this dance is that it might be a tribute to our ape ancestors. The majority of people doing the Knocking On The Door look somewhat like primates struggling desperately to get a banana that's being dangled just out of reach above their heads. The worst thing is that people doing this dance seem to be completely oblivious to how moronic they look. Perhaps that's because 99% of people who favour this dance are what I believe you Yankees call "jocks." Wearing a baseball cap is optional with this dance, but preferred. In other news, I have a Hotmail account that has become deluged with spam e-mails. Thanks, assholes.

Stuck On One Rung Of A Ladder

This one is a very bizarre little manoeuvre. Essentially, it involves pretending you're climbing a huge ladder, but someone's put glue on it and you've got stuck about halfway up. Stick your ass out in a very prominent, somewhat homoerotic, way and outstretch both arms as far as you can, point upwards. Now bend them, as if you're holding on to the rung of a ladder that's closest to the top of your head. Your pose should now resemble something like the picture above. The plus-sign eyes and oblong mouth are completely optional. While the music's playing - and this dance seemed to be popular with any track, regardless of the speed or quality - you should generally wobble your butt about and shake your arms as if an electrical current is coursing through them. You're guaranteed to clear the immediate dance floor area around you because, let's face it, nobody wants to risk having your ass in their face, despite what that guy once told you. When the song ends, there's a good chance you might even be the last one left on the entire dance floor. If that's the case, you'll probably follow the typical example of looking pleased with yourself and downing another jelly vodka shot.

The Aggravated Chicken

You're going to need quite a few more of those shots to achieve this next dance, which is a mix between spastic rage and jogging on the spot. Once you're inebriated to the right level (which is about the point where you can feel the puke and the hangover you'll be facing in the morning), take to the dance floor. As far as I could make out, it doesn't matter if it's crowded, because people will soon be fleeing when you start this dance. Don't bother dancing to the beat. Oh no! Just shake your arms any way you can, although the ideal is to imagine a retarded person taking part in the 100-metre sprint at the Special Olympics. For added enjoyment, you should shake your head back and forth and to the side like a chicken with Parkinson's disease. This is the dance that requires the most movement on the floor as well, as you're expected to march forwards and backwards while doing the shaky hands and head thing. Ideally, you'll hit a few people on the dance floor that will curse and say you're an idiot. But who cares? You're an American twenty-something and you're trashed on alcohol and music! Rock it!

The Bidet

A close relation of the Stuck On One Rung Of A Ladder, this dance is also known as the 'poke your ass in someone's face' in certain parts of California, Illinois and Florida or the 'for washing your backside, ROIGHT?' in Australia. Or, at least, in the part of Australia that Crocodile Dundee lives in. Oh, but he moved to New York! I hear you whine. And then back to Australia! you whine some more. And then to Los Angeles! for yet more whining. Go fuck yourself, you pedantic piece of shit! It was a fucking fictional movie! So, this dance is similar to the ladder dance, in that it involves sticking one's posterior in the face of an unsuspecting victim. However, it differs very subtly. Whereas the ladder dance requires you to simulate holding on to a ladder, The Bidet requires that you simulate shitting. With difficulty. You have to pull a contorted face, squirm and look as if you're trying to dislodge the biggest poop in all eternity. The placing of your hands is optional - use the picture solely as a guide. Alternatively, you could sit in a corner of the nightclub or bar where other people are doing these dances night in and night out, and just shout "CUNTS!" at them. It's what I'd do.


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