How To Succeed In Life
Written By: Ross

Well my faithful lackeys, the time has come. Since my first excellent review of The Animal and my even more spectaular review of A.I., you've been wondering "How can I be exactly like Ross?"

Being the successful individual that I am (I write for Listen to Me. How can you call that anything but success?), I've decided to compile my knowledge here for anyone aspiring to better themselves. I kind of plan to make this into a little mini-section of LTM, and add to it whenever I feel like it.

HOW TO MAKE PEOPLE THINK YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT

Have you ever really wanted to be a part of a conversation that you don't belong in? Have you ever wanted to impress someone even though you're an ignorant fool (on that particular subject or just in general)? Well want no more, for I, Ross, will explain this artform to you.

Depending on how much your victim knows about the topic, there are different approaches.

Scenario #1 - You are talking to someone who has little to no clue about the thing you want to discuss.

If you know something, anything, about the subject that they don't just explain what you do know, but embellish it with big acronyms and buzzwords. "Despite the fact the TCP/IP and the OSI layer models differ greatly, the advantages of each protocol are really quite similar." You see that? What I just said could have been stated in about 5 words so that any idiot could understand. But you don't want that, do you? Now if you know diddly squat about what you're talking about, then do the same thing but make up acronyms, or use ones like PETA and NSA.

Scenario #2 - You are talking to an expert on the subject and you know nothing.

Now, most people would just walk away from the situation right there and then. But you're trying to impress people, not make them think you're a wuss. Just try to take in a few acronyms and names of things, then make up a sentence like you would in the first scenario. However, you must phrase this in the form of "Have you heard of how a few people in Arkansas are creating a new ___?" or something like that. This way, even if what you're saying makes no sense whatsoever then you're still ok.

Hopefully by reading this you'll be able to tell if people are bullshitting you. If you believed anything I've written here then you've failed.

HOW TO WIN AT BINGO*

Let me tell you something - I have never won an honest game of Bingo. Theres no strategy whatsoever, and it is quite possibly the stupidest game ever (moreso than the Survivor Boardgame! Really!). But that's beside the point. So, you wanna play Bingo but you can never seem to beat the old lady next to you? Well, there is only one way, and that is to cheat. Now you can't cheat in Bingo just like you cheat in any other game, because the emcee or whatever checks the numbers. So thats why you need to be in cahoots with the elderly dame sitting beside you, and ideally a few other people or even every other player. You'd be surprised how conspiratorial old people can be and how willing they'd be to help you, whether its bingo fraud or hacking into the Pentagon's server**.

So here's what you do. You talk to a few people and work out a strategy.

Strategy #1 - You place your bingo conspirators in different areas throught the room. Then, you wait until one of you has 4 in a row (3 if you're feeling lucky), then call Bingo. When the announcer guy stops you and tells you that he didn't announce one of the numbers, get your posse to say they heard him/her call the number and they have it down on their sheet.

Strategy #2*** - Kill the announcer and read the numbers yourself.

If either of those worked, then voila. You have won your first game of bingo. If not, then you either have some very mad old people or a human corpse to dispose of.

*You didn't get this information from here.
**Don't do this. It is a very, very bad idea.
*** This is also a very, very bad idea.

HOW TO MAKE YOURSELF NOT STINK

Now most people just take showers and use deoderant. But you've always suspected there are better ways of keeping yourself smelling like a field of lilacs, and maybe make a little money in the process (Just hear me out here.)

Imagine the following scenario: you've run out of deoderant, you haven't paid your water bill in months and you have a refrigerator full of butter (for whatever reason). You have a big date tonight, but you smell like you've been rolling around in your septic tank. Certainly your lady friend isn't going to invite you in if she can't stand to be within five feet of you, so you need a solution. Take your butter and cover all rancid parts with it. The butter will mask your smell during the date, and it'll do wonders for your self-esteem. But wait! Don't just wash that butter away! Scrape it all off into a five-gallon bucket and take it to the nearest French resturaunt.

You may know that the reason the food tastes so good is that it's laden with real butter, but you may not know that it is a special kind of butter. Namely the crap that just came off your armpits. The French pay big bucks for that 'special' butter, and if you decided to never shower again you could probably make a living off that alone. You'd think with the way they smell the French would have gallons of the stuff, but apparently they really don't want to wear butter. Stupid French.


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