How To Commit Armed Robbery In Six Easy Steps
Written By: Lauren

Everybody wants to get rich quick. But who the hell wants to honestly work for it? No one! That's who. You could always turn to the lottery, but we all no you'll never win it loser. "So what's the next logical step?", you ask. "Why, armed robbery of coarse." I say. After this self-help essay you'll never want to work legitimately for money again (Like you did anyway). All you have to do is follow these 6 easy steps.

Step 1: Appropriate Gear

You can't pull off a successful heist without appropriate gear and apparel. The first thing every good crook needs is a ski mask. The ski mask (see fig. 1-1) gives you a badass look as wells as conceals your appearance. Another nice addition to the badass/concealing factor is sunglasses.

Figure 1-1

Now that your chances of being caught have reduce by .001% its time to move on to one of the most important aspects of your paraphernalia. The weapon! There are many weapons to choose from including bats, knifes, and guns. Although the gun is usually the best choice, go with the one that best fits your unique style as a criminal, or the "law-abiding challenged" as I like to say. Criminal is such a negative word. Although it will never go off in your pants, the finger in the pocket has been way over played and is no longer the threat it once was.

Next on the list is something to keep the money in. Your first instinct would be to just stuff the money in your pockets, but this is generally a bad idea. Think big! What every successful robber needs is a big sack, preferably with a dollar sign on it (see fig. 1-2) You know, like Scrooge McDuck off Duck Tales, he has lots of these and look how rich he is. (You can forget about it, McDuck's security is impenetrable)

Figure 1-2

Step 2: The Plan

Committing armed robbery is no simple task. It is a matter that takes much careful planning. There are a few steps to remember when designing a plan. First, make a map of the store/bank you intend to rob. Second design a route for the fastest getaway to your hideout. And third make a plan for your hideout. Your hideout should be filled with supplies such as water, food, and ammunition. Here is an example:

Step 3: Partners

Many successful robberies are completed with the help of a partner in crime. Your crony must be a lot bigger than you, but a lot dumber. Everyone knows all lackeys are totally loyal and will never rat you out when caught...ever. Your minion needs to say cool stuff like, "Sho' thang boss.", and " I'll moidilize da bum!". Your henchmen should also have a cool name like Mugsey, Jimbo, or Large Lenny and smoke a blunt cigar.

The Perfect Partner

Step 4: The Robbery

This may be one of, if not, the most important step in the How to Commit Armed Robbery in 6 Easy Steps Guide. This is where all of the above steps come into play. The first step when robbing is to remember to stay calm. The clerk is just as nervous as you. Try to imagine them in their underpants, not only does this help lighten your mood, it is also hilarious! Now that you are ready, approach the counter nonchalantly, and say something like, "Gimme all da money!" or "This is a stick up." Usually this works but if not show the weapon you choose in step one, if you choose a pistol hold it side ways, that never fails. Grab all the money and stick it in your sack marked with a $. On a side note, you may want to bring this guide with you in case you get stuck. Alright now as quickly as possible get in your getaway vehicle, which should preferably be motorized (no scooters). Take out the map you made in step two and follow it to your hideout. And proceed to step five.

Perfect Form

Step 5: The Law

The police should be avoided at all costs. I cannot stress this enough, avoid (underlined and bolded!) the police. The police will want to stop you because you did something "illegal". In the unlikely (likely) event you do get caught have a few alibis ready just in case such as, " I thought it was Tuesday." , "That's not how it works in Canada." , or "It was the one armed man!". If that doesn't work and you still get caught try to bribe the officer with some clever remarks such as, "Lets see what my friend Mr. Washington has to say about this." If all else fails and you end up on the show Cops remember to take your shirt off, you cant be on Cops with a shirt on. On the up side, if pulled it off proceed to step six.

Step 6: Spending the Money

It's important to spend all the money as quickly as you can. It's generally a good idea to buy assorted bling bling items. This includes rings that say "ice" on them, large golden clock necklaces, purple fur coats, and low riding cars. This will ensure not only that everybody knows you're a pimped out player from the west side, but will get you lots of bitches. Now that you have complete the guide you are you the road to other self-help experiences such as my Seven Habits of Highly Effective Inmates, How To Build Various Illegal Items, and Chicken Soup For The Meth Addict's Soul.

Gellin' Like A Felon

Please send $8.99 (stolen and or counterfeit currency not excepted) to Lauren. This guide may be void in states where armed robbery is prohibited.

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