Ross vs. Steve Guttenberg
Written By: Ross

In all honesty, I don't really hate Steve Guttenberg - just the terrible, terrible movies he's been in. I realize however, that's his job, and he probably makes more money than I ever will (until my squid ranching venture takes off anyway). The question then becomes: Is it really worth public humiliation? Regardless, I wrote a very facetiously-angry article here about him, which generated more response than I ever expected (two emails).

A week or two ago, I got a mail from "John" in my in my inbox with the subject "potty mouth". I figured it was probably porn spam for Japanese girls eating poop. This sounded great, so I opened it. Turns out it was from a very angry and quite possibly illiterate man who has a rather unnatural love for Steve Guttenberg. Here it is (No, the original wasn't spaced, but I had to make it fit):

You've got one serious potty mouth on you. Peopel go to school to learn the English language, and thn when they grow up they talk so badly it does not make any point after they are done with there so called statement. Do you know another word outside of the "F"???? Please don't take my Lord Christ and pervert it to some slanderous cuss word. You slam the movie "Police Academy" You berate and cuss to discribe how much you think that movie is dumb and asking questions like how long does it take to become a police officer and so forth. If it was such a bad movie and steve guttenburg's acting is so bad and you can't stand that film, it's sounds to me you are a insane one. You go back and rent parts 2,3 and 4, but yet sit around and get mad and can't stand watching it and talk about how watching all the "Police academy's was like pouring salt on a giant, infected boil and rubbing vigorously. That just pure insane to rent all of the sequals of something you don't like. Nobody cares what you think of someone Ross. You've got way to much time on your hands to create and open a website to just slam an actor. I'm a police office soon to go into U.S Marshals. To answer your question it takes 16 long weeks to become a police officer.

Okay, a few things. Number one - having gone to an American public school, you really can't expect me to know anything but the word 'fuck'. Besides, in twenty years that'll be the only word in the English language anyway, so who cares?

Secondly, he seems to think that I opened LTM to do nothing but bash the big SG. Gringo was the one who opened it, and also the one who rented all the Police Academy sequels. Apparently, he didn't look at the rest of LTM - but I can hardly blame him with that kind of grasp of the english language.

Anyway, here's how I replied (with help from Joe):

Prester John,

Hello time lucky. English is never shot in brain. Only when the police is 16 weeks do you jump to the dance. Only the "F" can save. You give to me nuggets? Jesus is no. Christ is lie. U are spel shitter. Next time sever before you break. Perhaps you really Mongolian?


HAHAHAH HISTORY JOKES ARE HILARIOUS (I really hope someone gets that).

The first I received was someone who purported to be the writer of P.S. Your Cat Is Dead, another undoubtedly awful Guttenberg movie. It might not actually be him, but I'm betting it is - the only people that have this kind of rage are those that have unleashed some terrible travesty upon the human race. Here's that:

Hey Ross,

How's it going? Huh? You seem like a real smart guy, right? I'm just traipsing through the internet picking up golden nuggets of wisdom about Steve Guttenberg....boy do people have a horrible impression of him lately.

Oh, I'm Jeff Korn, the screenwriter for P.S. I Fucked Your Cat, which is debuting at AFM this weekend. It got the largest and most enthusiastic crowd of the whole freaking festival so far.

Now, I'm not going to change your mind, but Steve happens to be a nice guy and, believe it or not, a pretty good director too. P.S. (cat fucker) in my humble opinion, is the best movie he's ever done...but who knows what'll happen next.

Give the movie a chance...or not.


I got this over a year ago, so I don't actually have the real reply anymore. I think this is basically what I wrote:

Wow! We didn't know anyone remotely important used the internet. I don't know if he paid you to write this or what, but I'd ask for more.


I hope that Steve himself eventually reads one of these things. Maybe then we can organize a bloody, no holds barred cage match to the death* to see who is the REAL man.

*friendly game of scrabble

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