Gaviscon
Review By: Gringo

So there I was, watching television. As usual. Hey, this review is going well already! The quality of programs was repetitively dull, and I was bored, so I wanted to review something to pass the time. However, despite the fact I can't really write good reviews, I didn't want to make a rant about some boring television show and spend eight paragraphs saying "Grrr! This show...it is no good! So boring!". So I thought of an alternative. Grab images from the first advertisement that came on, and make an article out of it. Success! Well, no. The advert I got was for a product I've never heard of - let alone used - but it does have fire eaters, juggling and amusing images. But what is the mystery product being offered to viewers that I've decided to review? I suppose the title of this review has ruined the suspense of that question already, so I'll just say it's Gaviscon. Gaviscon is heartburn medicine. I don't know if it's available in the US, and quite frankly I don't care. I needed something to review just to up the numbers of useless content on this site, and the Gaviscon advert fits this requirement admirably. That, and it's provided me with more chances to use those really unfunny speech bubbles on some pictures. Observe!

Just out of no interest whatsoever, I'm putting this review in the Stuff section because it's not technically a review of a television show. So don't go crying to Grandma Gershwin about the fact that a television-related review has ended up in another section. YOU'LL BE CRYING CROCODILE TEARS, JIMMY SHOEWAX! It's Gaviscon. Anyway, the advert is set in the wackiest of places; a busy street in some anonymous city. There's a young fire-eater doing his fancy tricks, blowing flames in people's faces when...suddenly! A problem! He feels pain! In his stomach! He also! Loves! Using! Exclamation marks! Incorrectly! And too much! Can you tell I'm just trying to pad out a really bad idea for a review? Then shush - the secret will remain between us always. So the fire-eater is having trouble doing his tricks, and heartburn seems to be the problem. I'm quite sure that gulping down paraffin or petroleum or kerosene or whatever you call the magic liquid that this guy swallows (snicker) won't do your insides much good. I met a fire-eater once, although he wasn't anywhere near as good-looking as the hunky stud in the Gaviscon advert.

Back to the misery! Like I was saying, I met a fire-eater once, some sixty-year old magician. He said he didn't eat fire so much these days, because it messes with his gut. I was quite, quite repulsed at the imagery, but persevered due to the fact that I have always had a genuine interest in wondering (a) how and (b) why people do this crazy fire-eating trick and (c) I had to interview him for my job (oh my! Gringo is in the real world now!). He said he used to put some liquid paraffin in his mouth and then blow on his magic stick (no more innuendo!) to create the huge gust of fire that makes the people in the crowd scene of the Gaviscon advert say "ooh" and "aah". He said he burnt his lips a few times, which amused me. I don't know where I'm going with this, so the story ends now! Back to the advert, and a helpful woman in the crowd notices that our happy chap is having heartburn problems. She is most perceptive. Also, she is a walking pharmacy, having to hand a nice new box of Gaviscon (remember, heartburn medicine, kiddies) which she promptly throws to the fire-eater. We get a cut-away scientific bit telling us about how Gaviscon works - I forgot, sorry - and then return to the magic...Mr. Fire Eater he is cured of nasty heartburn! Hooray! But wait...there is a problem!

While he's no longer in agony, for some reason he can't manage to blow any more fire. I think it might be because of the whole heartburn/fire imagery and that Gaviscon cures heartburn, therefore extinguishing the flames. Perceptive insight! With his fire eating trick no longer a possibility, what does our new friend resort to? Why, juggling, of course! This guy is a walking clown cabinet! I want him at my parties. Then again, parties would require friends, which means extra problems. Okay, that's not true. It's just that I realised out of all the reviews and articles up so far, not a single one has any "Oh, my life is so terrible, Papa Gigo cannot give us milk on Sunday!" angst in it, which seems to be a hallmark of some internet sites. In other words, the 'having no friends' thing was a joke, and there is no angst here. Move along! Or just read one of Dan's reviews. No, of course, I just kid again. Don't really read them. Puerto Rico, you ugly island! Back to the advert...once the guy starts juggling, he wins the crowd over again and is destined to make a fortune out of being a street performer. Mystery woman in the crowd has a new Gaviscon convert to add to her ever-growing army of the soulless undead, and I can start bringing this review to its much-desired end.

Of course, as with most advertisements, Gaviscon could have benefited greatly with a memorable tune. But don't go handing your money over to some expensive marketing firm, Mr. Gaviscon Chairman! Oh no! I've come up with a theme tune that is bound to sell quite literally tens of boxes of your heartburn medicine! And for no payment whatsoever! Well, I suppose you could get that guy to show me how to do that fire-eating trick. I'd love to be able to wander around town, burning the face of anyone who annoyed me. Only joking! GRRRRR. Anyway, on to the song! It goes like this: "Gaviscon, Gaviscon, it's number one! Sing along with the Gaviscon song! If your heart's gone fiery, and your life's due for expiry, get some Gaviscon! Get some Gaviscon today!" I could have laid that out in neat song-style format, but no. Instead, you'll have to make up the rhyming shoobabba for it, and just accept the fact that read out properly, that tune works.

Remember: always read the label!


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