Candy Is Dandy
Written By: Ross

Surely you have a giant stash of sugar in your home right now, even if you're too old go trick-or-treating. That's what Halloween is for. I've been sitting here with a few assorted bags of candy for the past few hours, so I'll review some of the stuff that's contributed to the convulsions I'm having.

Tootsie pops

A perennial favorite, Tootsie pops have endured because chocolate and lollypops go perfect together. Or so their marketing division tells me, and I believe everything I hear. I seem to remember from my childhood days that if you had a wrapper with an Indian shooting a star on it you would receive a free tootsie pop, as illustrated in the picture. Sadly, I can't find any mention of this anywhere. If you know something, mail me. Now.

Snickers Cruncher

Jesus Christ, do these candy companies even taste the shit they're putting out? Bad bad bad. I'm not entirely sure what's in this that makes it 'crunchy' - Malaysian childrens' bones, perhaps - but it tastes like old granola. I don't like fresh granola, so it's my opinion that these things suck the high heaven. If it's not your opinion then I don't like you.

Dots

These little bastards have been around since the beginning of time. While not actually bad tasting, dots stick to your teeth until melted off with a blowtorch or they decide to detach and burrow into your brain. If you plan on braving the horrors of dots, I suggest you take out an insurance policy.

Butterfinger

I'm not entirely sure what's inside of these. I'm told it's peanut butter but I'm led to think otherwise since it tastes nothing like it. What kind of unearthly processes do you have to perform to make peanut butter flaky? Regardless, these are some of the better candy bars ever made, as they offer a retreat from the normally gooey kind.

Everything Made By Reese's*

Peanut butter and chocolate - the Lucy & Desi of the candy world. They go perfectly together, everyone loves them, one is a Cuban bongo player and the other is a crazy red haired lady. There are many different Reese's cups variants but most are basically the same. Reese's pieces are better than M&Ms, too.

*Reese Sticks suck. Wafers suck, and anything they're added to automatically sucks. If you really want to insult someone, call them a wafer.

Misc.

There are always a few candies that you can't explain. They don't have brands, they don't have copyrights, and they don't even have names. Some, like the one pictured here, come in assorted candy bags with various other mystery candies. Others, however, are far more wily. I really like those little hard candies wrapped to look like a strawberry, but I've never seen them sold anywhere. Occasionally while trick-or-treating you'll empty your bag to find some odd but delicious candy marked in Chinese. Once again, I don't know where people get these. For all I know they could be made of cocaine. Yummy.

Some crap candy usually ruins your night too. People, for some inexplicable reason, think it's a good idea to give kids fruit, toothbrushes, or a single solitary penny. I can't tell if this is a protest or just people being stupid, but these folks usually get their house egged and TP'd.


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