Gringo Comes To New York City
Written By: Joe

Awhile back Gringo, owner of this site, told me he was going to go on HOLIDAY (because he's British so that's what you do) and come down to New York City, I think by plane but he may have walked from Britain. I don't think I ever asked. Anyway, my shit college happens to be in New York and the city is only a hop, skip, jump, shuttle bus, and train ride away from me (the hop, skip, and jump being optional but they really add to the experience).

Thusly, I was enlisted to visit Gringo and make him feel welcome in our fair country as the rest of America is off killing terrorists. I was suspicious as to whether or not it would be a good idea to actually meet Gringo as he is a foreigner and, from what I understand, many people from different countries can actually be filthy Arab bombers in disguise. People tell me that I have a striking resemblance to the World Trade Center towers (pre-9/11) and I worried that Gringo, with his crazy foreign tendencies and all, would be tempted to crash a plane or two into me.

On the day of Gringo's arrival, he called me on the telephone (but I think he calls it a shmeggy because he is British). He was actually calling me from a pay phone on top of the Empire State Building. This worried me, as I logically assumed he was planning to blow it up. Regardless, we made some (extremely shoddy) arrangements to meet the next day. Just before he hung up, I nervously shouted "Do not bring any weapons!" into the phone. I was not sure but I think I heard him laugh and say, "I will bring weapons to kill you because you are American." I was scared!

It was with much trepidation that my two friends and I (one who is fat) arrived at Gringo's "Quality Hotel" the next day. My friends and I were pretty sure that we had heard on the news that Quality Hotel was a hotel for foreign devil terrorists. "I think it was in a speech Dubya gave," I told my fat friend. "I'm scared!" he said, "And hungry!"

When we reached the door to Gringo's room, we knocked on it and waited until the filthy Arab villain inside opened up. As the door opened, we kicked it, hitting the homo inside in the face. We all tackled and savagely beat him, my fat friend sitting on his head and farting. You can never be too careful with this sort of scum. He was wearing a shirt with Tony the Tiger on it so you can see why we were so cautious.

After the beatings were complete, we tied Gringo to a chair and questioned him extensively. He tried to explain something (in a very questionable accent!) about how people from Britain are in no way related to Arabs but we were not buying it. However, we decided that even terrorists should have their fun so we would bring Gringo around the city BUT! he would have to remain tied to the chair. Also, we hit him with a beer bottle in the head every two blocks.

All in all, we had a decent time, although we didn't do anything particularly interesting. I had a good idea to go see Star Wars - Episode II on IMAX but the filthy terrorist wouldn't have anything to do with it. He apparently didn't want to spend two hours sitting inside a theater even though he would be sitting in that chair we tied him too the whole time anyway! Silly! He kept saying "Fuck off with your cunting IMAX!" I am sending a recording of him saying this to the military so that they can analyze his voice patterns. I am pretty sure it is secret code for "We bomb with relative frequency." WILL THESE EVILDOERS EVER REST?!

Basically, our evening consisted of walking about and hitting Gringo with bottles. At one point, we stopped in some wacky restaurant to eat food. My fat friend got a huge plate of beef. "That's a lot of beef," said Gringo. We hit him with the bottle. Gringo and my other friend, Colin, drank some beers. My fat friend also managed to break a glass and we all laughed at him, Gringo included. Then we hit him with the bottle.

After that, we walked around trying to find a cool bar. Instead, we went to one that Gringo spotted that claimed to be some sort of Irish pub. However, when we got inside we found it was actually a boring bar where old people just sat around while Billy Joel and The Cranberries played. So we hit Gringo again.

I don't like having friends OR fun so I've given up the drinking of alcoholic beverages. Thusly, I was reduced to sitting there while Gringo and my friends downed their pints. They kept trying to make me drink as well because apparently peer pressure is cool and I should accept the fact that alcohol is the accepted drug of our society and that it must be consumed in any and all social situations or else you are just not normal.

At one point, my fat friend managed to splash some beer on my face and into my eye socket. I think it reached my bloodstream through my eye socket because that one splash got me damned sloshed! I was flying high, boyos!!! Then I hit Gringo with that bottle.

We didn't do very much more except bring Gringo back to his hotel room, still tied to the chair. We hit him and he passed out and we left him that way. However, he called me the next day with prospects of coming up to my college. My roommate left me because he hates me so I have an empty bed until further notice. This meant a place for that Arab scum, Gringo, to sleep and no buttsex for none!

I managed to give Gringo detailed enough instructions for him to figure out how to get to my college and my room on his own. I actually intended to meet him outside of my building but then I decided that I don't do any favors for evildoer scum so I instead went somewhere and showed up late at my door to find Gringo and my RA (the fag who keeps order on my floor) trying to get into my room. Gringo had been looking for me and apparently this was enough reason to warrant my RA to use his copy of my key to break into my room for no good reason and look around. He then bothered me a whole lot and told me stuff about how I have set the room up in such a way that if I get a new roommate he will feel welcome. All this bothered me so I hit Gringo with a bottle.

My friend Colin and I tied Gringo to another chair as we once again weren't taking any chances. After that, we basically sat around my room (which apparently smells like a pet store because when I sleep I vomit dogs) while Gringo and Colin drank beer. Gringo also got to watch us smoke...cigarettes! Yes, that's what we do for fun, smoke cigarettes.

Other than that, Gringo also met this balding kid who lives two floors down from me. He also got to watch him throw a plastic bottle at my head that magically managed to hit me right in the eye and give me a pretty decent black eye. Actually, it was less black and more red and disgusting-looking. That was probably fun for Gringo, anyway, getting to see someone else finally get hit with a bottle.

Gringo managed to nod off to sleep in his chair eventually and I stayed up all night trying to do work but instead just playing around with Babelfish because all those inaccurate translations are silly! The next day I kicked Gringo out of my room and he made me wait with him for the taxi that was to take him back to the train station and out of my hair forever. It is good I waited with him though because he might have bombed the cab otherwise. Also, it was hard to get him into the taxi what with the chair he still had tied to himself. It was good of me to help, even though he was terrorist shite. Plus, right before he left, I hit him with the bottle again.

It was a good time for all, I would say. We did next to nothing and, all said and done, I got beer and a bottle in my eye. I would do it again in a heartbeat! Fuck yourself!

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