Repeating old articles is the path to winning, just over Lame Joke Hill, a mile past the town of Sucksberg. How was that for an unfunny opening sentence? Got to rank up there with the worst of them. Anyway, last year I wrote this article about the Oscars (or the Academy Awards if you want to have to read even more words) and gave my predictions for the Best Makeup category. The reason I chose that particularly award was because it was one of the only Oscars I'd seen all the nominees for. In the interests of quality online journalism, I thought I'd do the same again, but in an attempt at vague originality with a different category. Although I'm in the same dilemma with the 75th Academy Awards as I was last year, in that I haven't seen a great deal of the movies which have been nominated for various awards. In fact, when it came to finding a category where I'd seen every movie up for the award, I found my choices very limited. Limited to zero! Enough of my life story, how about you? Still a cunt? Good, let's move on. It's time to read what I think of the contenders in what is perhaps this year's most zooptastic category.
Sure, so it's not as exciting as last year's tense trawl through the potential winners of the Best Makeup award, but I'm still going to write a stupidly long article anyway. Before I even address each nominee individually, you can see that the members of the Academy don't exactly have a challenge on their hands. In my mind, only one of them sticks out as being relatively Oscar-worthy. Which one is that, you ask? You'll find out by reading more, you impatient clown! I just hope this award is handed out towards the start of the evening, because given the whole international time difference thing the Oscars are usually screened live in the UK at something like three or four in the morning. And Gringo needs his beauty sleep! Beauty sleep helps Gringo to stop addressing himself in the third person! Then again, I'm glad I was awake for it last year, because I got to see Donald Sutherland and that actress woman (I forget her name) stuck in some desk off the side of the stage, having to make continuity announcements. Success! I wonder whom they'll pick this year? Your guess is as good as mine, but just be grateful Whoopi Goldberg isn't hosting the ceremony. Expect race jokes to decrease 90% on last year.
Sure, it was an okay movie, but that's really all you can say. Anymore and I will beat you! The tale of three creatures that try to escape the - somewhat obviously - Ice Age by wandering around a lot, it's watchable and entertaining in places. But in terms of Oscar caliber, it's not really there. In fact, it's a quite a long way off. I mean, there's a running gag about an animal who repeatedly fails to get his hand on a nut (the edible kind, dickhead). Witty, eh? The computer animation is also not as smooth as something like Toy Story or Monsters Inc., and you know what sticklers the Academy is for nice-looking things. After all, why do you think there are no ugly people at the Oscar ceremony? Except...no, I won't type that joke, simply because it's far too obvious. Anyway, I was writing something about Ice Age? Oh yes! Like I said, it's a fun movie (hi, I just turned 11 today! Call me birthday boy!) but it's not really extraordinary in any way; script, animation or voice-overs. That's why it isn't going to win on the night. I think. You can disagree if you want, but then I'll come round to your house and smack you.
Chance of winning: 10%
If this movie doesn't win, every single member of the Academy is a fucknut. Yes, you heard me! They're all imaginary nuts! My feelings about this fine, fine production can be found by clicking right here (be warned: my brain melted the day I wrote that review). Also, I chose it as one of the best things to have happened in 2002. Don't believe me? Ask the dishes! Sorry, I just turned into a stupid French candlestick for a moment. OH MY! Disney references everywhere! Um. Anyway, click here to read the Best Of 2002 list that I put Lilo & Stitch in. Go on, read it. Please? Hardly anyone ever looks at it, so it'd make me very happy. Thanks! Hey, did you see what I did there? I tried to evade writing any sort of review about this movie for the simple fact that I've already covered it twice before. You call that lazy? Think about it! I'm sparing you another review. I call that being very generous indeed. Also, no other movie in this category has a scene where a blue alien monster throws a beach ball at someone's head and beats up a dog. And, you know, quality counts!
Chance of winning: 50%
The only good thing about this movie is the free promotional stallion toy that was given out at the same time as its release. And that was only funny because you could manipulate the horse's legs so that he looked like a crippled child. Admittedly, a crippled child with a very long nose and a mane, but still humour abounding everywhere. I would have put this movie's chance of winning lower than those for Ice Age, but everyone knows the Academy likes rewarding movies that try to be intelligent. Or at least fake it half-reasonably. Besides, I don't really think this is going to win anything, and I feel the same way about Ice Age, so I give them both the same odds! You see the crazy logic applied in Gringo Land? You see it? No? You bastard! It's some story about a horse and what looks like an Indian or Native American or whatever I'm supposed to type without being offensive. And that's all I know, really. Unlike last year, I haven't even seen all the entrants in this category. Quality journalism is the way forward! My lack of having seen this movie, plus the fact I don't like its title, means I give it a low chance of winning. On to the next wacky thing!
Chance of winning: 10%
What the fuck? I have no idea what this shit is. And where the hell are the Elvis Presley numbers? This movie has nothing on Lilo & Stitch. Actually, sneaky secret times. I think this is the kind of animated feature the snootier types at the Academy will say "Ooopa! This is some brainsmart! I will vote it a winner for sure!" Hopefully - and likely, given Hollywood's combined intellect - that group of people is quite small, and the rest will all vote in my favourite, the tale of a blue alien destroying stuff. However, because it's foreign, and it looks crazy, I'm going to say it's the nearest competitor to my pick for first place that there is. Plus, Ross said this movie had more of a chance than the 5% I'd originally said, and Ross knows himself some cartoons, boy howdy! I once put some Windex on my hand, just like the father character in My Big Fat Greek Wedding recommends doing if you've got an ailment. It just made my itch worse. Why did I put that little story in this paragraph? Your guess is as good as mine! But it's a valuable lesson: Hollywood never tells the truth.
Chance of winning: 25%
Yeah, right. Treasure Planet is Disney's other notable entry, and their follow-up animated feature to Lilo & Stitch. Let's compare, shall we, kids?! The latter had a funny, original script, great voice acting and was loved by all. Treasure Planet had that longhaired kid out of Third Rock From The Sun, and nobody went to see it. I wonder which one's got more chance of winning? Yes, just like the fact I don't think The Pianist will win Best Picture (because about 35 people saw it), I don't fancy this movie's chances of picking up one of those funky little statues on the night. Besides, didn't the producers know that the definitive version of Robert Louis Stevenson's novel was told in Muppet Treasure Island? Clowns! Because this movie has no Miss Piggy, Kermit or Gonzo in sight, I predict it will fail on Oscar night. That sums up my guesses, which will no doubt prove to be wrong, and the $100,000 I've bet on Lilo & Stitch will be taken away from me like so much dignity I can't afford to lose. In which case I'll turn to champagne and drink until I puke! Damn it, to think this article could be back next year. Depressing, eh?
Chance of winning: 5%
You are joking? Like the last few paragraphs and however-many hundred words haven't told you what I think? What are you, some kind of backward Arkansas resident? Secret: if you go back to the first Oscar article I wrote (link's back at the top of the page) you'll notice this conclusion quite closely mirrors the original one I wrote. Mostly in that I insult residents of a southern state, but all's fair in love and war. Anyway, if you've just skipped to the summary straight away - or if your hands are so very fat they accidentally hit the Page Down key until you got to this point - then let me make it incredibly clear for you. I both hope and think Lilo & Stitch will win the Academy Award for Animated Feature Film. Its win would show the Academy has got a sense of humour, that it recognizes talent, and isn't filled with fucknuts. Also, it might persuade Disney to take a risk on something similarly original in the future instead of making sequels like The Jungle Book 2 or the equally pointless Return To Neverland (a sequel to Peter Pan, dummy!). And that has to be good news for everyone. Ever!
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