Super Bowl XXXVII
Written By: Jeff

Ah the Super Bowl, it's that special time in a football player's life when he waves goodbye to the carefree days of youth and says hello to the harsh reality of the world... no wait, that's puberty. To be honest, the only experience I have with the sport is from playing Tecmo Bowl and all I learned from that is that no matter what color the guy making the touchdown for the Bears is, it's always gonna say Walter Payton did it. Seeing as it's called Super Bowl XXXVII (37) I can only guess that XXXVI (36) other Super Bowls followed. But enough about that, ON WITH THE GAME!

This year's teams are...uh... I forget so I'll just name them after what I think their mascots are. Ok, I'll call the mascot with the eye patch and the "I enjoy anal sex" look on his face the Gay Swordsman and the team with the piratey skull mascot the One-Eyed Willies with Two Eyes cause nothing says football like gay people and The Goonies.

The introduction to the game comes from Ah-nold in a poor attempt to hype up his new movie Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines. He starts by saying he's a terminator sent to the present to warn us about other terminators that came here to play football and go to Disneyland upon victory. Ah-nold also gives us the entire title of tonight's game Super Bowl XXXVII: Rise of the Machines which is strangely similar to the title of his new movie. Personally, I would have call it Rice of the Machines but probably would have had my head caved in by one of the players during a roid rage. Next were highlights from both teams being played to the Imperial March from Star Wars and this led to Celine Dion singing God Bless America.

I really hate this song and having Celine Dion sing it only made me hate it more but the thought of a Canadian singing this made me remember an episode of Raw is War (or was it Smackdown?) where urban redneck rap-rocker Kidd Rock sang American Badass to an eerily quiet Canadian audience. The national anthem was sung by the Dixie Chicks I think and then there was the coin toss which was won by the One-Eyed Willies with Two Eyes who chose to receive. Finally, after 5 hours of bullshit and talking, the kickoff.

Now that the game was underway, we can finally get down to business, yes I'm talking about the commercials. Seeing as this was on ABC, they took full advantage and pimped their shows every damn minute. You couldn't get through anything without seeing an add for The Jimmy Kimmel Show or Dragnet and that's understandable seeing as if you took every show currently on the network and turned it into a person, you'd have the love child of a random carnival worker and Mimi from The Drew Carey Show so anything new has got to look good...right? Once again, Budweiser is this year's Super Bowl champ of advertising but it's not saying much as it's only real competition this year was from Monster and AT&T's M-life (the Gilligan's Island one).

Yes, once again Budweiser delivered by featuring commercials with a guy wearing a dog, a man getting attacked by a crab and a chick who's into three-ways. Pepsi, on the other hand, is now officially on my shit list for giving America just what they think we need: more of the fucking Osbournes. To make this even worse than it already was, who should appear, why it's none other then Donnie and Marie Osmond YAY!! Where's a gun when you need one? Actually I didn't really mind the Osmonds but I feel that Donnie should stay where he belongs: safely caged within episodes of Johnny Bravo. Let's not forget about those anti-drug ads either as the new set of them involves people being haunted by complete strangers who say they killed because someone bought drugs. I've never understood these new anti-drug ad campaigns and find their plots to be garbled masses of bullshit kind of like Fear Dot Com. Other than those, ads for new movies also premiered.

The commercial for HULK looked pretty good and I'm actually looking forward to seeing it as I've only read one issue of the comic. It is the one where he gets mad and smashes the shit out of everything. If the movie can deliver something similar to that then I'll be happy. Next up was The Matrix: Reloaded and Revolutions. I wasn't a fan of the first movie and rather then piss people off and have my inbox explode with emails calling me stupid, gay or a stupidly gay I'll just move on. Bad Boys 2 looks to be just the thing for Will Smith to make another song about and for Martin Lawrence to try and make everyone forget Big Momma's House, Blue Streak, Black Knight, Run Tell Dat and National Security. Terminator 3 seems like nothing more but a poor attempt to revitalize Ah-nold's slumping carrier and make a quick buck with the Terminator franchise but I could be wrong and it might be good.

Ok, let's finish this up, the game was boring and the half-time show sucked as always so I'll just close this by reenacting the Super Bowl Shuffle made famous by the '85 Chicago Bears. HERE'S THE LYRICS, SING ALONG!!

Chorus
We are the Bears Shufflin' Crew
Shufflin' on down, doin' it for you.
We're so bad we know we're good.
Blowin' your mind like we knew we would.
You know we're just struttin' for fun
Struttin' our stuff for everyone.
We're not here to start not trouble.
We're just here to do the Super Bowl Shuffle.

Walter Payton
Well, they call me Sweetness,
And I like to dance.
Runnin' the ball is like makin' romance.
We've had the goal since training camp
To give Chicago a Super Bowl Champ.
And we're not doin' this
Because we're greedy.
The Bears are doin' it to feed the needy.
We didn't come here to look for trouble,
We just came here to do
The Super Bowl Shuffle.

Willie Gault
This is Speedy Willie, and I'm world class.
I like runnin' but I love to get the pass.
I practice all day and dance all night,
I got to get ready for the Sunday fight.
Now I'm as smooth as a chocolate swirl,
I dance a little funky, so watch me girl.
There's not one here that does it like me,
My Super Bowl Shuffle will set you free.

Mike Singletary
I'm Samurai Mike I stop'em cold.
Part of the defense, big and bold,
I've been jammin' for quite a while,
Doin' what's right and settin' the style,
Give me a chance, I'll rock you good,
Nobody messin' in my neighborhood.
I didn't come here lookin' for trouble,
I just came to do The Super Bowl Shuffle
(Repeat Chorus)

Jim McMahon
I'm the punky QB, known as McMahon.
When I hit the turf, I've got no plan.
I just throw my body all over the field.
I can't dance, but I can throw the pill.
I motivate the cats, I like to tease.
I play so cool, I aim to please.
That's why you all got here on the double
To catch me doin' the Super Bowl Shuffle.

Otis Wilson
I'm mama's boy Otis, one of a kind.
The ladies all love me
For my body and my mind.
I'm slick on the floor as I can be
But ain't no sucker gonna get past me.
Some guys are jealous
Of my style and class,
That's why some end up on their ...,
I didn't come here lookin' for trouble,
I just get down to The Super Bowl Shuffle.

Steve Fuller
They say Jimbo is our man.
If Jimmy can't do it, I sure can.
This is Steve, and it's no wonder
I run like lightnin', pass like thunder.
So bring on Atlanta, bring on Dallas,
This is for Mike and Papa Bear Halas.
I'm not here to feather his ruffle,
I just came here to do
The Super Bowl Shuffle.

Mike Richardson
I'm L.A. Mike, and I play it cool.
They don't sneak by me 'cause I'm no fool.
I fly on the field and get on down.
Everybody knows I don't mess around.
I can break'em, shake'em,
Any time of day.
I like to steal it and make 'em pay,
So please don't cry to beat my hustle
'Cause I'm just here to do
The Super Bowl Shuffle.
(Repeat Chorus)

Richard Dent
The sackman's comin', I'm your man Dent.
if the quarterback's slow,
He's gonna get bent.
We stop the run, we stop the pass,
I like to dump guys on their ....
We love to play for the world's best fans,
You better start makin'
Your Super Bowl plans.
But don't get ready or go to any trouble
Unless you practice
The Super Bowl Shuffle.

Gary Fencik
It's Gary here, and I'm Mr.Clean.
They call me "hit man,"
Don't know what they mean.
They throw it long and watch me run,
I'm on my man, one-on-one.
Buddy's guys cover it down to the bone,
That's why they call us the 46 zone.
Come on everybody let's scream and yell,
We're goin' to do the Shuffle,
Then ring your bell.

William Perry
You're lookin' at the Fridge,
I'm the rookie.
I may be large, but I'm no dumb cookie.
You've seen me hit, you've seen me run,
When I kick and pass, we'll have more fun.
I can dance, you will see
The others, they all learn from me.
I don't come here lookin' for trouble,
I just came here to do
The Super Bowl Shuffle.
(Repeat Chorus)


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