Ah the Super Bowl, it's that special time in a football player's life when he waves goodbye to the carefree days of youth and says hello to the harsh reality of the world... no wait, that's puberty. To be honest, the only experience I have with the sport is from playing Tecmo Bowl and all I learned from that is that no matter what color the guy making the touchdown for the Bears is, it's always gonna say Walter Payton did it. Seeing as it's called Super Bowl XXXVII (37) I can only guess that XXXVI (36) other Super Bowls followed. But enough about that, ON WITH THE GAME!
This year's teams are...uh... I forget so I'll just name them after what I think their mascots are. Ok, I'll call the mascot with the eye patch and the "I enjoy anal sex" look on his face the Gay Swordsman and the team with the piratey skull mascot the One-Eyed Willies with Two Eyes cause nothing says football like gay people and The Goonies.
The introduction to the game comes from Ah-nold in a poor attempt to hype up his new movie Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines. He starts by saying he's a terminator sent to the present to warn us about other terminators that came here to play football and go to Disneyland upon victory. Ah-nold also gives us the entire title of tonight's game Super Bowl XXXVII: Rise of the Machines which is strangely similar to the title of his new movie. Personally, I would have call it Rice of the Machines but probably would have had my head caved in by one of the players during a roid rage. Next were highlights from both teams being played to the Imperial March from Star Wars and this led to Celine Dion singing God Bless America.
I really hate this song and having Celine Dion sing it only made me hate it more but the thought of a Canadian singing this made me remember an episode of Raw is War (or was it Smackdown?) where urban redneck rap-rocker Kidd Rock sang American Badass to an eerily quiet Canadian audience. The national anthem was sung by the Dixie Chicks I think and then there was the coin toss which was won by the One-Eyed Willies with Two Eyes who chose to receive. Finally, after 5 hours of bullshit and talking, the kickoff.
Now that the game was underway, we can finally get down to business, yes I'm talking about the commercials. Seeing as this was on ABC, they took full advantage and pimped their shows every damn minute. You couldn't get through anything without seeing an add for The Jimmy Kimmel Show or Dragnet and that's understandable seeing as if you took every show currently on the network and turned it into a person, you'd have the love child of a random carnival worker and Mimi from The Drew Carey Show so anything new has got to look good...right? Once again, Budweiser is this year's Super Bowl champ of advertising but it's not saying much as it's only real competition this year was from Monster and AT&T's M-life (the Gilligan's Island one).
Yes, once again Budweiser delivered by featuring commercials with a guy wearing a dog, a man getting attacked by a crab and a chick who's into three-ways. Pepsi, on the other hand, is now officially on my shit list for giving America just what they think we need: more of the fucking Osbournes. To make this even worse than it already was, who should appear, why it's none other then Donnie and Marie Osmond YAY!! Where's a gun when you need one? Actually I didn't really mind the Osmonds but I feel that Donnie should stay where he belongs: safely caged within episodes of Johnny Bravo. Let's not forget about those anti-drug ads either as the new set of them involves people being haunted by complete strangers who say they killed because someone bought drugs. I've never understood these new anti-drug ad campaigns and find their plots to be garbled masses of bullshit kind of like Fear Dot Com. Other than those, ads for new movies also premiered.
The commercial for HULK looked pretty good and I'm actually looking forward to seeing it as I've only read one issue of the comic. It is the one where he gets mad and smashes the shit out of everything. If the movie can deliver something similar to that then I'll be happy. Next up was The Matrix: Reloaded and Revolutions. I wasn't a fan of the first movie and rather then piss people off and have my inbox explode with emails calling me stupid, gay or a stupidly gay I'll just move on. Bad Boys 2 looks to be just the thing for Will Smith to make another song about and for Martin Lawrence to try and make everyone forget Big Momma's House, Blue Streak, Black Knight, Run Tell Dat and National Security. Terminator 3 seems like nothing more but a poor attempt to revitalize Ah-nold's slumping carrier and make a quick buck with the Terminator franchise but I could be wrong and it might be good.
Ok, let's finish this up, the game was boring and the half-time show sucked as always so I'll just close this by reenacting the Super Bowl Shuffle made famous by the '85 Chicago Bears. HERE'S THE LYRICS, SING ALONG!!
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