The Five Worst Clowns...Ever!
Written By: Gringo

Originality sucks! It's time to continue a series I'm not really succeeding at consistently adding to. Yes, it's another five worst...ever! article. Great. If you haven't done already, be sure to make your eyes bleed learning about the Five Worst Presidents...Ever! and its follow-up, telling you the truth in a shocking and exclusive manner (well, okay, just telling you a lot of nonsense, really) about the Five Worst Cartoon Characters...Ever!. How's that for a cheap plug for two other articles on this site? It's very good, that's what! Even if the articles aren't, but...sssh. Anyway, today's subject - the somewhat obviously third in the series - is clowns. There are many clowns around the world. They can be genuine clowns, like the ones that work in a circus or television, like Krusty from The Simpsons. They can be sinister clowns that kill, like John Wayne Gacy. They can even be clowns in a more general sense, bumbling through life, a bit like Dan. I'm not including those three named examples on this list because (1) Krusty is funny, (2) Gacy is a naughty and (3) I'm not devoting 200-odd words to a Dan-specific entry. Instead, you can learn about five annoying clowns, all with their own unique traits that make them the worst...ever! Or you could just go visit another website. Your choice.

5. Bozo

I've never seen Bozo the clown perform. I hear he's pretty well known in the magical United States of America. My association with him comes simply from having a t-shirt with his beaming face on it. I bought the t-shirt because I liked the look of it. That, and the fact it said 'Bozo' in big letters on the back. That's how gay I am! Anyway, you may be asking yourself why I hate Bozo if I bought a t-shirt with his cartoon face on it? Well, Bobby Butterball, I'll answer your incessant questioning! I hate Bozo because he has turned out to be nothing but a bad luck charm. Every time I go out wearing this garment (yes, I have no shame) something always happens that would be best off not happening. Like asking someone from work "who's that fucking whore?" only to be informed it was his girlfriend. Like running down the street projecting vomit with a big grin on my face. Like getting cautioned by the police for taking a pee in a train station. Like locking lips (alliteration is fun!) with the worst imaginable kind of people there are when in a sorry, hazy state. It's all shameful, and it's all happened when I've been wearing that damn Bozo t-shirt. The really strange thing is, I keep wearing it. Bozo is evil, and he has a sadistic hold over me. Welcome to the worst...ever! list, you stupid clown!

4. Binky

The fourth worst clown...ever! comes from Garfield. You know, Jim Davis' sporadically funny comic strip about a fat, ginger cat that isn't called Heathcliff. Binky the clown is apparently a major television star in Garfield's world, but it's not his successful career that I hate Binky for. Oh no. It's something far more important; a turn of phrase that induces a sense of uncontrollable rage in me every time that I hear it. In all the animated Garfield cartoons that Binky has a cameo in, he always says something that makes me wish the cartoons were live-action. I wish they were live-action so that I could get on my bicycle and speed all the way to Hollywood (where Binky would be filming his cameo, no doubt) to punch him in the face. You may be wondering how I would cycle across the Atlantic Ocean, seeing as I live in Britain. Well, my bicycle has motorised wings. The annoying thing that Binky does is to constantly scream "Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeey kids!" but in a really protracted, blood-curdling manner. It's damn annoying, and I'm petty enough to include Binky on the list for that one simple misdemeanor. And if you've got a problem with that, tell it to the boss! Yes, Boss Hog, bad guy in The Dukes Of Hazzard! Except he's dead - and not even a real person - so good luck trying!

3. Shakes

Clowns are supposed to be funny. Or extremely creepy. Shakes the clown is neither funny, nor creepy. The titular (snicker) character in low-budget 'comedy' Shakes The Clown, he's performed by that lank-haired guy out of the Police Academy movies that played Zed. You know, the bad guy-turned cop who always spoke in that really annoying screechy accent. Bobcat Goldthwait's his real name, if you're that bothered. Anyway, he wrote a movie about a clown called Shakes, who is a drunken, unfunny mess. It's all about his rivalry with another clown that steals his television show, and Shakes' quest to take back his former glory. It's also one of the most boring movies I've ever sat through. The only funny scene has Shakes and his clown posse beating up a troupe of mimes. Other than that, it's all fairly dull. Supposedly funny jokes are delivered with poor timing and a lack of point. Shakes' life revolves around drinking and getting peed on by small children. As far as pointless clowns go, Shakes ranks up there with the best. Well, with himself, more or less. Plus, the movie's got Adam Sandler in it, playing another clown. And as The Waterboy and Little Nicky have taught us, anything associated with Mr. Sandler = a nasty.

2. Bobo

The most pointless clown in history. His sole purpose is to get smacked in the face and eat dog snacks, and even then, it's only briefly. Bobo appeared in Al Yankovic's cable television-themed comedy movie UHF as the clown on lame show Uncle Nutzy's Clubhouse. While the movie was funny, I'm afraid Bobo the clown was anything but. He had a horn that he blew to indicate his happiness (like Sideshow Mel and his whistle in The Simpsons) but very little going for him. He was actually the character Bob, dressed up as a clown because they couldn't get anyone else. Which makes it even worse! He's not a real clown! Anyone who would take a frying pan in the face from Al Yankovic and not punch him back deserves to be placed on a worst clowns...ever! list. And as for eating Yappy's Dog Treats without noticing the ingredients of "liver and tuna, with just a hint of cheese", Bobo proves he is too dumb to be left out of the hate giving. Not that dumb people deserve hate. I just mean...uh, I'm digging a hole for myself here. Let's turn the tables quickly! Bobo is a dumb cunty! End of story!

1. Pennywise

I've chosen the clown out of Stephen King's novel, and later television movie, IT as the worst clown...ever! because of, you know, that whole killing children thing. Pennywise is a murderous clown, which is the adopted shape of what turns out to be a gigantic spider. Right. A big spider is killing a town's children by masquerading as a clown. You'd never see this sort of behaviour with Shakes or Binky! Pennywise is the only clown in the list I've ever seen who actually has the requisite clown skills. He can juggle! He can do cartwheels! He can climb lampposts! He has a never-ending supply of balloons! He is creepy! You see? He fits the criteria like a glove fits...no, I will leave that joke because it's both old and unfunny. Editing wins! Anyway, during the course of IT, Pennywise mauls several kids, drives another one crazy, makes fun of a fat kid and also appears twice nightly at Papa Gigo's Big Top Circus Fun Show. For reinforcing the image in many people's minds that clowns are inherently evil, Pennywise rightly deserves to top the list of the five worst clowns...ever! And if that's not stretching an article to an unnecessarily large word count, I don't know what is.


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