Written By: Darth Phenom

Those sneaky fucking Russians. It amuses me how they fool the West by pretending the Cold War is over. Soon, they will be burning yo babies down. They will also be blowing your black buttocks sky high. All it takes is a press of the red button! Stalin is actually George Bush's father. Anyway, in World War II, supplies of vodka were actually more important than guns. It's true. This is why I will not bore you (Oh, too late now, comrade) with some boring history of the Federation of Socialist Soviet Democracies but a review of some of my favourite brands of vodka (ie. the cheap stuff which I can actually afford).

Did you know that tea is Russia's national drink and not vodka? Russia was also the first European nation to trade with China. They exchanged some territory because China didn't want anything Russia produced. Also, vodka translates to "little water". However, China were foolish to make such a deal because Russians are sneaky and cannot be trusted. Oh, that Boris. He is as bent as the Soviet sickle, and as hard as the hammer that crosses it.

We start with the most popular:


This is generally the brand most known to Americans and probably the finest non-Russian produced vodka in the world. In the late 1800's it was apparently the Czar's favourite and earned award after award. Sadly, the Bolcheviks trashed the distillery during the Revolution and converted it into a garage or suchlike. Smirnoff fled to France and attempted to resume his business there but could only achieve limited success.

One of his cronies convinced him that Americans would enjoy vodka and thus Smirnoff was eventually bought by a drinks company and was originally marketed as "white whiskey". It would go on to achieve global appeal during the 60's and even became James Bond's favourite drink. If you really want to pay twice what you would for other brands of vodka just for that fancy name and double-distilling, go right ahead. Personally, I don't notice a huge difference.

Count Pushkin Imperial

Despite the ludicrous name and incredibly gay bottle design, this is some damn fine stuff. A cut above many brands and truly Russian. I highly recommend this one. You name any decent spirit award, this one is spoiled with award after award worldwide. And I do say, those judges have good taste indeed. This is a vodka to savour. Respect it.


Totally over-rated. Far too mainstream and pretty disappointing. No Russian head behind this one at all, as far as I know. It emerged when some guy tried to make vodka in his garage. This is probably only of any good to you if you're a pirate on a 17th century galleon but then I'd suggest cheap rum instead. Vodka is supposed to be pure but Mainstay is about as pure as sewrage water. Don't trust tobacco companies.

Russian Bear

Ah, South Africa's very own. I'm not sure if there's Russian brains behind this or not but it receives my recommendation. Sure, the name may sound like it's cheap imitation nonsense (like Mainstay) but this certainly is not true. It's one of the few brands which actually has a decent taste while still retaining vodka's distinctive purity. I don't believe it's won too many awards but that shouldn't matter. You have a fine brand here indeed, Dmitri!


The cheapest brand there is while still being of an acceptable quality. If you want to get drunk quickly without getting sick, Romanov is your best friend! Nothing to relish here, just good for getting over those disappointments such as sports failures, girlfriend not putting out or discovering the hard way that a circumcision does not allow you to walk through walls. The chase is better than the catch!

So there, you have it. Feel free to donate any liquor you want to me and I'll be happy to write a second part to this. Remember, Russia will rise once more and the faggotry of Western Europe will be crushed by the Hammer forever! Unbreakable Union of freeborn Republics, Great Russia has welded forever to stand.

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