Cheese And Broccoli Soup
Written By: Dan the Angry Conservative

I don't know why, but that shit makes me sick. I looked at a picture of cheese and broccoli soup in a cookbook and a wave of revulsion swept over me. Then, I smelled the shit. I could feel the gag-reflex muscles preparing for the stupid thing I did next. I tasted some of that rancid filth.

On a side note, Rancid is my favorite band, ever.

I put one of the carrots in my mouth first (what the fuck is a carrot doing in cheese and broccoli soup?). I thought that since carrots are neither cheese nor broccoli, it would be somewhat eatable, but no, some of the soup clung to the carrot like shit on a svincter. I probably misspelled that word, it's not in my spell checker's dictionary. If only I could find a "playa's spell checka" that included words like "svincter," "beotch," and "titties."

Look at the following lyrics from the DMX classic "Niggaz Done Started Something"

Yo, ayo let's get papers and pop Mo' with holes up in skyscrapers
In condiminiums, overlooking our drug capers
New York City, know only way to play is gritty
I want cheddar, so we can front up in the 850
My whole commity like to puff L's and look jiggy

Now, I say things like that all the time, but my spell checker be like "Back up, you illiterate fool! Try some Queen's English, knob-goblin!" The spell checker "talked shit" about 6 words in the above lyrics, saying they weren't real words. Actually, I think the person who wrote these words on whatever site I got them from misspelled "condominiums" and I think a "commity" is a community, but I'm a Jew so what the fuck do I know?

Why does DMX want cheddar? Millionaires should eat fancy French cheese or something, not gutter-fungus American shit. "BUT DAN, DMX ISN'T A MILLIONAIRE, HE IS A STREET TOUGH GANGSTA straight outta da Pra-jektz!!!," you say. No no no, he is. I know his rhymes seem legit, but the only way DM "money bags" X "keepz it realz" is by occasionally knocking over his butler, then apologizing and getting his maid (who he calls his "hoe") to help him back up.

Remember Mase? Puff Daddy's chubby yet lovable sidekick? Of course you do, he had a moderate rap hit in the mid-eighties, who can forget! Anyway, he was getting hungry, so DMX showed mercy and let him rap on one of his songs.

My AK slay gays, spray strays wit niggaz names on it

Not only does Mase hate gays, he also hates black people!

You don't really wanna come try, the one guy
Who stay dumb high from blunt lye
The rack of sing-sing alumni
Who got more beef than a Islamic farm
So I pack enough sonic arms to neutralize atomic bombs

What was that again, Mase? I missed something. I wasn't aware that Islamic farms had a reputation for having a lot of beef. If they had beef, wouldn't they be ranches instead of farms? But I don't know about farms, cause I didn't grow up in the ghetto, like Mase-money. Anyway, he seems to have gotten hold of some futuristic gun that shoots sonic vibrations to stop weapons of mass destruction. We better not let the Russians know we have this kind of technology!

Jadakiss, a colleague of Mr. X, spews the following poetry on the same song (two gangsta rappers, one song! FUCK YEAH!!!)

Cleanin my Tommy, showin love to my army
Whenever The Lox find rippy blocks, we kill em
Yeah I hear niggaz, but I still don't feel em
And this for the listeners, and prisoners
And them jealous rap cats that prefer dissin us
My 16's be so real, you can feel em in your vain

He sounds pretty tough, I'd stay away from him. But I do find it odd that he has a love-boy named Tommy, that he likes to be "cleanin." Then he shows love to an entire army!?! Right after Tommy, who has the energy? But besides that, Jadakiss is a bad-ass. He is such a bad-ass rapper, that sometimes he doesn't even make his lyrics rhyme. THAT'S JUST HOW CRAZY THIS NIGGA IS!!!

J be the cause for the kiss at your wake
Cartel lips, spittin clips at your face
We started from the bottom
You'll see bad niggaz pardon, whatever
We can do it at the Garden

Jadakiss continues to display his latent homosexuality. If I was a rapper, I wouldn't brag about my love of gardening. Back to the DMX-meister...

Mu'fuckers think it's all about impressin bitches and stressin bitches
Well, I'm testin bitches game, adressin bitches, and caressin bitches

Note that the letter "g" was used once. It should've been used much much more.

These niggaz is for real
These niggaz ain't playin

This ain't no fuckin game
You think we playin?
Ruff Ryders

Now tell me, what group of bitches is gonna fuck with D and his posse now? Nobody, that's for shizzure!

Don't came at me wit no bullshit, use caution
Cause when I wet shit, I dead shit, like abortions
For bigger portions, of extortion then racketeering
Got niggaz fearin, fuck whatchu heard, this whatchu hearin

This is just DMX trying to get his radical pro-choice message across. If this gets out, I think the Republican Party will want a few words with him.

Next up is Styles...

I want a palace for my thugs, wit oriental rugs
Green bags from drugs, get wacked for the love

I now want very desperately to be one of Styles thugs.

Think you smartest, and retaliate the hardest, regardless
If you a thug or a rap artist, respect me like Pesci
and if rap was hockey, I be Gretzky, puffin Nestle

Styles is like Joe Pesci and Wayne Gretzky! Fuck, this guy is a triple threat! I didn't know that Wayne Gretzky had a Nestle addiction. That's really sad.

All those gems were from the same song. As previously stated, it's "Niggaz Done Started Something." It's the last track on the "It's Dark and Hell is Hot" album. It's as if DMX needed one more song on his album, so he called up a bunch of lads he knew and told them to write rhymes about how they are better at fighting than other groups of people.

Why do they warn their listeners to stay away from them so much? The majority of their listeners are white, suburban kids. Do they really need to intimidate them that much? Most white, suburban kids I know are scared shitless by any large black man. They don't need additional warnings of guns and savagery and sexual exploits with various people's mothers to know that they shouldn't harass DMX and his boyz.

I've had a lot of fun with this, so let's bring up a new song...

Aiyyo!! Dog, I meet bitches, discrete bitches
Street bitches, slash, Cocoa Puff sweet bitches (WHAT?)
Make you wanna eat bitches, but not me
Y'all niggaz eat off the plate all you want but not D (UHH)

Whoever is speaking in the parentheses has got it right. What the fuck is D talking about? I have never, not once compared a significant other to any kind of breakfast cereal.

Sisqo and DMX do the choruses together. Sisqo is that effeminate singer who tried to be Sir Mix-A-Lot, but isn't Sir Mix-A-Lot. I hope he stays away, away from Mace and his AK (Uh-huh, Dan be rapping, suckah!).

What these bitches want from a nigga?
      What you want.. (what you want)
What these bitches want from a nigga?
      Really want..
What these bitches want from a nigga?
      I've been keepin you up on it
      Bling bling'n, on that jewelry girl I bought it
What these bitches want from a nigga?
      Aiyyo, tell me what you want from me
      Baby tell me what you want from me!
      (So what you want?)

Most of DMX's ex-girlfiends want alimony.

There was Brenda, LaTisha, Linda, Felicia (okay)
Dawn, LeShaun, Ines, and Alicia (ooh)
Teresa, Monica, Sharron, Nicki (uh-huh)
Lisa, Veronica, Karen, Vicky (damn)
Cookies, well I met her in a ice cream parlor (aight?)

Most of DMX's listeners (the white suburban kids, remember?) are virgins, so hearing D brag about his sexual conquests must really depress them. And why does DMX go to ice cream parlors?

DMX: Yo, it be real hot out here!

Sisqo: Sure is!

DMX: Let's get us some ice cream!

Sisqo: Smashing!

Mace: You both are gays (kills both with AK).

Donna, Ulanda (WHAT?) Tawana, and Wanda (WHAT?)
were all treated fairly but yet and still
bitches is on some other shit now that I'm fuckin wit Dru Hill

What was that? (WHAT?) In case you don't find the preceding highly homoerotic, Dru Hill is a R&B group with like five or six GUYS in it, including the flaming Sisqo!

Aiyyo, I think about when a nigga didn't have (YEAH)
and a nigga told a joke, and the bitches didn't laugh

Now this I can relate to. I often try to be funny around girls. But the only time I talk to girls is when I'm drunk, and the only time I'm funny is when I write for web sites. In other words, I often drunkenly masturbate while in chatrooms. This review of cheese and broccoli soup is over.

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