Sour Ooze Chewz Mega Warheads
Written By: Mack Salmon

For those that aren't connoisseurs (French for 'eaters') of candy, Mega Warheads are these amazingly sour candies that, for the uninitiated, hurt. I mean, really hurt. They hurt so bad that the first time you have one, you'll probably spit it out because of the intense sourness of these things. This kind of candy is baffling. Judging from the bag, it seems as if the point of eating this candy is to endure it. Why would anyone want to subject themselves to this kind of torture, when there's a box of Junior Mints, or Skittles that DON'T want to hurt you, right within arm's reach! Anyway, eventually you'll develop a resistance to these Mega Warheads, and they'll just chew up the roof of your mouth.

Apparently, trying to branch into further realms of novelty torture candy, the Foreign Candy Company (situated in Iowa) thought up this wonderful idea: "Sour Ooze Chewz." Hey kidz! Ask your parentz! Remember, spelling words wrong with a 'z' gives them ATTITUDE! To the max! The candy itself is nothing special...a really bland outer shell concealing a sour jellied interior, when you bite down on the shell, the stuff inside comes squirting out like pus from a zit, which you'll have enough of if you eat this kind of sugary crap. And like I said, eventually the sourness of the candy wears off, and you're left with this vaguely tart stuff that'll scratch up your throat. Of course, if the mean candy scares you, just stick to gummy bears, you pansy.

Try it once, but if you're looking for a good sugar fix, just eat sugar, it's cheaper and will rot your teeth quicker. If you want a real sour blast, and this'll sound crazy, and it is, eat Kool-Aid powder. But for the love of Christ, don't pour the entire contents of the packet in your mouth at once. Trust me.

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