The Five Worst Cartoon Characters...Ever!
Written By: Gringo

This is the second in a badly thought out, semi-regular series of Worst...Ever! lists. If you haven't read the first one, which was my explanation of the Five Worst Presidents...Ever! then I hate you and I can no longer be your magic man! If you have read it and survived the inevitable headache, then bless you and welcome back. This time round I'll be writing about a subject less relevant to the destiny of the world - but ultimately more interesting - than who the suckiest Presidents ever were. Yes, as you've probably gathered from the title of this article, I'll be telling you exactly who the five worst cartoon characters...ever! were. By the way, I got that joke (the adding...ever! to the title joke - yes, it's really a joke, sorry) after I suffered one too many incidents of rage seeing an endless parade of soulless compilation albums that bill themselves as The Best Album In The World...Ever! but then go on to negate that title by releasing further volumes under the same title. If The Best Album In The World...Ever! is really the best...ever! then what does that make The Best Album In The World...Ever! Volume II or Volume III. Sub-best? Quasi-best? You marketing assboats suck! On with the cartoon characters list!

5. Roger Ramjet

The theme tune to this all-American superhero cartoon series went "Roger Ramjet, He's our man, Hero of our nation! For his adventures just be sure and stay tuned to this station!". His theme tune sucks! Also, Roger Ramjet has a very silly chin. It is only the best judging criteria for this list! Roger Ramjet starred in his very own cartoon series called perhaps not surprisingly, Roger Ramjet. It involved the buffoon-like, big-chinned one flying around the world stopping nefarious types from doing evil things. I think he had a team of lookalike people to help him, but I don't quite remember. To be honest, I've tried to block out as much as I can recall about this cartoon as is possible. All I can clearly remember is having a dislike for the character's voice and general attitude, and that he was far too much of a do-gooder for anyone's liking. The show was popular (if you can ever call Roger Ramjet that) again during my youth in the 1980's, but I've never met anyone who either remembered the show or liked it. A combination of both in one person probably doesn't even exist. I also hated the people who sang the theme tune; they were so damn annoying. Let's continue the hatred!

4. Dr. Claw's Cat

I can't possibly leave out a character - albeit an animal - that was as inept and as pointless as the cat in the Inspector Gadget cartoon series. This cat, which I don't think was ever given a proper name, was evil bad guy Dr. Claw's pet. That didn't stop Dr. Claw beating the defenseless animal up every time that wacky Inspector Gadget ended up foiling one of M.A.D's (Claw's organisation) plans. Occasionally, when it looked like things were going Dr. Claw's way, he'd be nice to his cat, and stoke his pussy (snicker), making it smile, as in the picture above. However, given the fact that Gadget defeated Dr. Claw in every single episode, the cat was also destined for a lot of punching. It never tried to fight back, never tried to bite its evil oppressor, never did anything except sit there like a feline punchbag. That bizarre, almost sadomasochistic willingness to get beaten up is obviously a character flaw, and for that reason the stupid, stupid animal is included on this list. Also, the cat had an obnoxious face that I just didn't like. I also blame this cat for the Inspector Gadget movie. Okay, I know a cartoon character can't possibly have any input on making a movie, but I'm blaming the little beast anyway.

3. Mr. T

Regular visitors to this site (that'll be all three of you! Ha ha! The joke! It never dies! Okay, it's getting pretty stale now, especially considering the true total is nearer to four. Ho ho! Such funny!) will know of my general loathing of the Mr. T cartoon series. The hatred began when I found a video of the show, which was on sometime in the 1980's, bought it and received a headache trying to understand what was going on. Please understand that by including the cartoon Mr. T on this list, I don't mean that I hate the real-life mohawk-wearing one. Oh no, I only hate the cartoon version of him. I know that the real Mr. T voiced the cartoon, but at the risk of repetition (risky! It is like Russian roulette!) I don't hate Mr. T; I hate his cartoon character. This is because Mr. T, cartoon superhero, specialises in three things; (1) ridiculously unbelievable stunts, (2) bizarre leaps in logic and (3) cheesy sentimentality. Evidence of all three is as follows; (1) driving a bus into a launching space shuttle, (2) solving a crime with no explanation as to how he did it and (3) anytime the character tried to motivate his friends, usually saying something that would embarrass even Hulk Hogan. For someone as petty as me it's overwhelming reason to include the cartoon character of Mr. T on this list.

2. The Great Gazoo

What the hell? A strange little green alien in prehistoric-based cartoon The Flintstones? Yes, it makes as much sense to me as you'd think. By the way, I mean it makes no sense at all. I'll be honest and say that I don't know the origins of the Great Gazoo, I don't know how he ended up in the cartoon (though I assume the crossover episode with The Jetsons had something to do with it) and I don't know what the animators over at Hanna-Barbera were thinking when they sketched in the poisonous little green bastard to new episodes. I remember Gazoo (he wasn't great, so I'll drop that label now) having a highly annoying voice; like the excellent Looney Tunes character Marvin the Martian, except higher pitched and three million times more annoying. That's a scientific figure I arrived at using advanced calculations. No, I kid. I just made it up. Just look at that picture of him above...he looks so innocent, but in reality he had destruction on his mind! Destruction of The Flintstones series! And he succeeded magnificently. After his arrival, the show went on to spawn a boring movie, lame spin-off cartoons and even a series called The Flintstones Kids. The result? Gazoo - 1, enjoyment - 0. If I were Roger Ebert, I'd give Gazoo a big thumb down. Instead, I'll offer to kick him in the teeth and move on swiftly.

1. Dungeon Master

This despicable little shite was the one cartoon character I would have loved to have met and ideally punched (yes, I know he's not a real person, so I'd have to animate myself and punch him that way). He was of course central to everyone's favorite children's cartoon series Dungeons & Dragons, a show revolving around six or seven annoying children being trapped in a fantasy world filled with dragons, forbidden castles and a fucking annoying unicorn called, somewhat unoriginally, Uni. Why do I hate the Dungeon Master so much? Well, for someone so small, he was particularly obnoxious. The only clues he gave to the kids to find their way back to Earth were so convoluted no one could ever solve them. He was also the father of Venger, the kids' nemesis in the mystery fantasy land, and was using them to help convert Venger back to the 'good side'. So he didn't give a toss whether the kids got back home or not. I know they were annoying, but that's going a bit far. Because he was such a selfish, obnoxious runt, Mr. Dungeon is quite simply the worst cartoon character...ever! That's mercifully the end of this article. If you disagree with my choices, be sure to tell someone who cares. No doubt the next part of this inconsistent series will be up at some point in the future, whenever I can think of five specific worst things. You care...not at all.


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