Our Five Worst Reviews...Ever!
Written By: Gringo, Joe & Ross

Here's the deal, Bobby; Listen To Me may well be the home of sub-par entertainment on the internet, but even amongst all this tat there's some real horrific discoveries to be made. This article has been written with everyone in mind; first-time visitors, returning visitors (hello, you two!) and government types spying on us. All three of us have decided which five articles are truly at the bottom of the heap, being pooped on from a great height. And believe us, it was a difficult process! So many bad reviews on such a small site. Hey, the way this paragraph's going I think this article could soon be number six.

Essentially, this article quickly turned into a hate fest with each of us expressing what we really think of one another. You'll be able to tell from reading our selection of the five worst reviews just how well we get along. I figured it'd be a good idea for us to get together and tell you (all four of you) how much we suck.

5. Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back

Joe: My review of this movie was easily one of the poorer reviews I've written out of the large assortment of poor reviews I have done. First off, as I explain at the beginning of the review, it was supposed to be done a week before the wide release of the movie, considering I saw a sneak preview. Due to laziness and the fact that I was trying to pretend I actually had a life outside of this shit site, the review didn't go up till about two weeks after the movie's release. Boy was my face red! Anyway, I suppose I didn't really feel like doing the review at that point. All I recall is that I was typing it up and it seemed like I really had to wrench it out of me to get it down as I started getting quite agitated and exhausted not too far into it (feel my pain...please). This actually happens to me a lot...I think I'm a very sick man.

Basically, I started to realize what a piece of garbage it was midway into it and instead of touching it up (as I have moral objections to that), I decided to just end it very abruptly without focusing on the plot or much else of what makes a movie review a movie review. Added to that, my tendency to sprinkle curses whenever I am at a loss for any original ideas is especially apparent in this review. The version on the site is already pretty darn vulgar but, believe it or not, it was worse before that. Gringo cleaned it up a bit for the viewing public and I can't say I blame him in this particular case. I don't like this review at all. The paragraphs crash into each other like a train wreck and it reeks of feces (go on, smell!). What a terrible spot on my otherwise perfect reviewing record (ha ha ha ha!!!).

Gringo: First of all, if anyone's got a perfect reviewing record on LTM it's...well, it's nobody. Second of all it's got a link to Jay's rap, which is worth the admission price (free to view this site...don't worry, we know no-one would ever pay to see it) alone. Third of all, I've had enough of starting each sentence like this. I quite liked Joe's review, and I think its inclusion on the worst five list has more to do with the insane hatred between Ross and Joe; which all started back in 1850, when Ross beat him to the California gold rush, dag'nabit.

Ross: I honestly didn't think Jay and Silent Bob was any different than most of Joe's reviews. That's not to say it wasn't bad - oh it was quite so - but it didn't exactly break any trend of profanity-free writing. Having said that, my reviews are pretty bad and I won't try to deny it (I recently realized being serious about anything on this site is worthless for now, and I will adjust future writing accordingly). Probably the reason why this review doesn't seem cohesive at all is because Joe ran out of ways to combine shit and fuck into one word and has to use blander variants.

4. Undeclared

Ross: Now seeing as Joe has almost as many reviews on here as Gringo (demand demand), you wouldn't expect him to have any form of social life. You'd be right, actually. He happens to live in a co-ed dorm - he probably signed up for it because he wanted to 'get some' - and he's very disappointed with the lack of jiggy that is going down at his pad. The truth is that everyone on his floor except him goes for nightly orgies just down the hall. His roommate didn't invite him to it because he saw Joe's wiener in the bathroom and it's really small. Word gets out about those things, you know. Of the girls that did try to speak to him, he was too busy screaming at the stupid bitch in Ico to notice the fact that they were wearing nothing but socks and a headband. On the rare occasion that he does go cavorting merrily through the halls it's either when everyone is making fake Ids or out breaking them in. Since he never indulges in such unsavory activities he drinks his orange juice and complains to me on IRC about how he's always sick and gets no girls because he has a small penis. Oh shit, was I supposed to comment on his review? Okay, it sucks.

Anyway, Gringo (demand demand) told me that I should put in some story I told him because it's funny. When asked how it relates at all, he simply replied, "demand demand". Go figure. Anyway, I used to have this really na´ve Japanese friend (Golly I hope he never visits this site!) and we used to tell him all sorts of things (orgy means a good meal), and once we asked if he knew what a blowjob was. He said one of those lollipops with gum inside (blowpop) and we told him he was right. So like a week later one of my friends has a blowpop and the Japanese kid asks "Can I have a blowjob? Nobody ever gives me any." Haw, hilarity. Did that make up for my A.I. review?

Joe: You know, I honestly don't see much wrong with my Undeclared review except that it's really bitter and has roughly nothing to do with the show. I personally thought it was short and to the point and rather liked it that way. Due to the fact that Ross didn't even bother discussing the review here at all, I can only assume that it isn't one of the worst on LTM after all and is really just an excuse to talk about my penis yet again. Unless of course this is some crafty method of his to imitate how the content of my review was all about me whining about my problems by basically doing the same thing in this write-up, but I don't really think he's that smart. Also, he stole a line directly from my Ring Of Red review for the blowjob story, which shows what an immense lack of sense he truly possesses.

As for this bit about chicks wearing only socks and a headband, I am left wondering this. From the sound of it, there was more than one girl in this scenario and from the sound of it, they only had one headband. What'd they do, share it between them? Christ, how big was this thing? At any rate, I don't pay any mind to girls who wear headband(s) because that means they're either stupid or eight. I am interested in neither type.

To sum up, there is clearly worse on this site than my Undeclared review. Everyone knows Ross does the worst reviews and I find it to be a gross injustice that only one of his pieces got put on the chopping block whereas Gringo and I were both slandered twice each. Of course, I'm not one to argue with the way things have been ordained so I shall now clam up and not reveal what I think the real other terrible pieces of this site are. *Cough*theanimal*Cough cough!*ninjaturtles*cough!* Oh, excuse me. I do have a tendency to be sick all the time, you know.

The blowjob story is funny.

Gringo: The more I think about this list, the more I realise it's a petty competition between Joe and Ross. See, I picked one of the choices (Maniac Mansion) leaving the other four down to them. They've then proceeded to focus more on insulting each other than explaining why the reviews were so bad. Wait. What am I saying? This review sucked ass. A great deal of it; the review's an angst-fest that's a poor cover-up for Joe's anger at his failure to get laid.

3. Maniac Mansion

Gringo: What can I say? I'm sorry. I don't know what I was thinking. Truth be told (I am such a liar!) I wrote this review many months before the idea for Listen To Me had infected my senses. I put it up thinking the almost-normal review, mixed with attempts at mild humour, would be a worthy addition to the site. How wrong I was. If you've come to this site, you probably don't want to read proper attempts at a review. Which is why I'm very happy to be able to tell you there are more reviews like this on their way.

Joe: Originally, I was unsure as to why Gringo chose this review as one of the worst. I really didn't recall much wrong with it. Then I reread it. OH JESUS! OH SWEET JESUS NO!!!! It would've been better if he had just left it as a normal review but, as he said, he tried to put in a bunch of little jokes...bad ones. They make me cry. Also, I think the review is quite a bit longer than it needs to be. That sounds strange coming from me considering I have some of the longest run-on reviews on the site but I'm guessing I feel that way because I dislike seeing someone other than myself talk for too long. Also, I don't get the Rocky Horror joke.

Ross: I've only just read Gringo's review; I never read it at the time he put it up on the site. It's an accurate review of the game, but Maniac Mansion is so old that everyone who is ever going to play it already has. I'm a bit confused as to why Gringo even wrote this if not for LTM - does he have any more things he wrote for no reason about 15 year old games? Also, if the thing wasn't funny back when you first wrote it, it's a safe bet it won't be funny when you upload it to this site.

2. How To Make A Comedy

Joe: I've always known Gringo was a pretentious fuck...I just didn't know how much of one. This article (which isn't a review at all because Gringo is above the law!!!) is the site owner's wonderful opinion on what makes a good comedy and what makes a bad one as if anyone really gave a rat's ass as to what his opinion is on anything. It isn't necessarily badly written by any means. In fact, it uses some real big words!!! The only reason I hate it so much (so very, very much) is because of how snotty it is (the big words actually help it achieve this feeling). "OOH I LIKE THIS AND THAT AND I AM RIGHT ALWAYS!" Essentially, Gringo comes off as a real royal cunt here, which I suppose is fitting. If I wanted to read crap like this I could go to The Brunching Shuttlecocks (link deliberately not provided). Overall, this article is well written. Heck, he may even be right on many accounts but he didn't have to sound like such an irksome twat (look, I think I'm British now too!) throughout the whole thing. On the other hand though, I appreciate the free plug: "The last in this quick spurt of good comedy movies..." Oh, Gringo! You is all heart!!

Ross: Both these paragraphs are like a big puddle of rank, chunky hypocrisy. While the fact that no one wants to hear what Gringo has to say is true, it's no less so for Joe and myself. In fact, the title of this site happens to be 'Listen To Me', kind of implying that the whole point is to express opinions whether people read them or not. Hmm, how many reviews has Joe written for this site and come off as a 'pretentious fuck'? If you've read his commentary of my... review, he says something about how I ripped off his Ring Of Red review. That was unintentional. Here, he rips off the very thing he's making fun of, when he says 'irksome twat'. Joe also seems to be incapable of writing anything where less than half the sentences have 'fuck' as the subject. The shameless plug that doesn't fit in with anything in the paragraph confuses me.

Gringo: I think Joe has said it all for this review, however irksome he may be.

1. A.I.

Ross: As much as I would love to insult Gringo (No really I would, demand demand), I have to say that A.I. is my least favorite review on this entire site. Why? Well, besides the fact that it sucks ass, is boring, unfunny, summarizes the plot and doesn't review anything at all, it... um... sucks ass, is boring, unfunny, summarizes the plot and doesn't review anything at all. The truth is that I haven't tried at all to be funny in any of my reviews whatsoever (I don't know if Earthbound will be up by the time this is, but everything after that = teh foonay), but this hellish pile of steaming feces is inexcusable. If I could go back in time and tell myself not to write it, however, I wouldn't. I'd shatter the monitor with my past-self's head and stab his face with pointy shards of glass. Since I wrote it about 3 hours after I saw the movie, the concept of "Must be unreasonably long! Chickens will eat your face otherwise!" was embedded in my mind like a brainlouse. Really all I did here was rewrite the script only slightly longer and about five times less entertaining, pretty much spoiling it for all the stupid fuckers who actually care about stuff being spoiled.

Joe: I must say I rather heavily agree with Ross on his review in this case. His A.I. review is easily the worst thing written on this site. It's about eight pages detailing every single plot point and aspect of the movie. "THEN THIS KID SHOWS UP WHO HAS BLUE SHOES! NO MAYBE THEY WERE RED SHOES! NO I AM SURE NOW, BLUE!!" To be quite honest, I haven't even read the whole thing. Also, I think Ross drinks pee. No maybe it was sewage. No, I'm sure now, pee.

Gringo: If I could turn back time, I'd be Cher, and then I'd want to beat my own face with a shovel. However, if I could go back to the day I uploaded Ross' A.I. review it's a safe bet I'd think twice. Sure, it was nice to have a review of an up-to-date movie...but that's the whole point - it became less a review than a NEVER-ENDING DESCRIPTION OF THE PLOT. I like Ross really (no). But don't forget, we're all friends (also no) and this entire article was written in good humour...yes...good humour. Ross promises to stop writing crap stuff now, too. Although he's a proven liar.

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