Here's the deal, Bobby. I haven't seen every single movie that's up for all the different awards at this year's Academy Awards. The Oscars, if you will (or smack in the teeth if you won't) are in their 74th year, and you don't care. However, this site has never exactly been about popularity - we only have you three visitors to rely on (ha! The joke! It never gets old!), so I'm going to type something about the awards show anyway. Now, having not seen several of the big name movies up for awards (including Vanilla Sky, Gosford Park, Black Hawk Down and Mullholland Drive), I don't think I can give an accurate prediction for most of the awards. You know, seeing as there's some nominees in nearly every category that I've never seen and all that. Oh, Gringo, you is such an honest boy! Papa Gigo is so proud! However, there is one category that I have seen all the entrants for. It's one of the best, reserved only for the most majestic productions made over the last year or so. What can I possibly be talking about? Well, you're about to read what I think of - and who I think will win - the glorious, long-standing, often-envied highlight of the Academy Awards; the Oscar for Best Makeup.
Oh yes, the makeup Oscar! I'll predict this one rather than Best Picture, Actor, Actress, Guest Midget and all the other categories I wouldn't touch with a ten-foot clown-pole. I'll also stop putting lame references to The Simpsons in my reviews. Okay, no I won't. Enough with the lies, Tommy Hasslebank! I actually quite like watching the Oscars, but only when either Billy Crystal or Steve Martin are hosting the 'ceremony'. Whoopi Goldberg, whilst humorous, doesn't come out with the one-liners as well as the other two most recent hosts. I don't know who is hosting it this year - and I haven't even bothered to check for this article - but I have a sneaking suspicion it will be Ms. Goldberg. Oh well. On with the predictions! The winner of the Best Makeup award will be able to walk away, head held high knowing that the people involved with their production know have to apply themselves some fine lipstick or something. The two losers will forever be shunned into the darkness, with people throwing rocks and sticks at them shouting "Losers!". Then again, maybe not. Such is the price - and the mystery! - of the fortune and glory that comes with winning an Academy Award.
Russell Crowe just gets better and better to watch. Who hasn't been amused by his outbursts and random comedy comments? Most recently he pinned some hapless television producer up against a wall and got all nasty-mean because the producer cut some of a ridiculously long poem from Crowe's acceptance speech at this year's BAFTAs (British film awards, Jimmy!). He told a British chat show host "Most of the people in your media are a pack of bloody idiots." You know something? Quite a few of them are. Take it from me, Mr. T! (Sssh....I'm not really Mr. T). Oh, Gringo, you is such a suck-up. No, it's just that I don't care about people's private lives, asshat! Was I talking about an Oscar or something? Oh, yeah. A Beautiful Mind is clearly based on the classic Hollywood formula; mentalist character played by good actor + well-known director = Oscar win! Only this movie deserves to win Best Picture as much as Forrest Gump (hint: not). But what about Best Makeup? Well...uh...sure, Crowe had some nice powder on his face and, well, I don't really know what criteria they judge Best Makeup on, so I'll just say it probably won't win and move on swiftly.
Chance of winning: 15%
Now, you can understand why this movie's nominated for Best Makeup. Frodo's lipstick is so very visible! The impact on the story is immense! If this award is really for fancy-pants makeup along the lines of big beards, elf ears and wacky appearances that fit right in with this movie, then smashing, old boy! This movie is destined to take a one-way ticket to Winsville! If the Academy Award for Best Makeup is nothing to do with special effects-type things, then I don't know if this movie will win - I don't remember seeing too many characters in Middle Earth daubed in lipstick and face paint. Oh, Peter Jackson, you wacky makeup man! You know the scary thing that will come from the huge success of the Lord Of The Rings movies? Fan fiction. Erotic fan fiction at that. I bet somewhere, someone's already typing out some steamy Aragorn-Boromir man-sex story. Hey, that gives me an idea...it's time to build a steam room! Steamy...steam...steam room? You get the joke? You see how it is no good? Yes? THEN YOU WIN THE MYSTERY STAR PRIZE, YOU CLEVER CLOWN! I don't know whether this movie will win or not, but it had the most money invested in it out of the three up for the award, and it's the one which technically uses a lot of makeup (in a special effects sense). So it's probably got the strongest chance of winning.
Chance of winning: 50%
The only makeup I remember from this movie was bright red colouring on Jim Broadbent's cheeks (his facial ones, you damn perverts!) and Nicole Kidman wearing some lipstick. I think Ewan McGregor had some grease in his hair too. You've probably gathered that I have no idea what I'm meant to be predicting the prospective success of these three movies on. But my task is made far easier by the fact I've given A Beautiful Mind a 15% chance and Lord Of The Rings a 50% chance. That leaves 35% to share like a commonplace disease for Moulin Rouge. Not that disease and this movie go hand in hand. Well, unless you count the whole Nicole Kidman's character dying from a disease. Hmm! There is so much mystery! I have no idea how they're going to judge which movie had the best makeup - are they going to analyze exactly how much lipstick was applied to various characters? Or then again, it could be like I've already mentioned and focused more on fancy-pants makeup like weird ears in Lord Of The Rings or eccentric faced demon-beasts. But then why are the other two movies nominated? I don't remember a bitchload of elves whuppin' some ass in gay Paree halfway through Moulin Rouge. That last sentence is the worst one I've ever written (so far), and you have my sincere apologies.
Chance of winning: 35%
In conclusion...my what smart sentence openings you have, Gringo! And why are you writing in the third person? And why are you asking yourself questions, seeing them as you type them out and not deleting them? Why are you typing this when you could quite easily stop? STOP THE MADNESS, COLONEL SHOEHORN! Uh...anyway, if you've skipped to the bottom of this review or simply can't count (maybe, like Ross, you went to school in North Carolina) then you can quickly find out who I think will win Best Makeup on the night. For all the other categories, I'll be sitting with a glazed look on my face (more than usual) as I don't recognise about a fourth of the movies been talked about. SHUT UP, GRINGO! Okay, I'm shouting at myself (via the keyboard) now, so I'll stop this article. I think Lord Of The Rings will win, but I want Moulin Rouge to beat the Ring-seeking ones up outside, and get the award because it's my favorite of the three movies nominated. There, the end. Of course, in a few hours or so the real winner in the Best Makeup category will have been announced. No doubt it won't be the one I picked, and I'll end up looking like even more of a fool. But the memories will stay with us...always! Oh, and I was only joking. The education system in North Carolina is first rate. Honest.
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