Gringo's Sixth Oscar Prediction Funfest
Written By: Gringo

Hey, hey!

So this is my sixth go-around writing my predictions for the Oscar ceremony taking place tonight. Yes, before those overpaid actors can get round to doing white lines in the bathroom and covering up their homosexuality by "marrying" pasty faced hermaphrodite so-called actresses, they have to sit in the audience of this evening's gala event: the 79th Annual Academy Awards.

By the way, the tagline for this article is "One year in the making. No, really." And I mean that "no, really," believe me. I deliberately created the first Word version of this article on March 5th, 2006, the night of the last Oscars ceremony, just so I could boast about having spent an entire year writing this piece of shit. Yes, I'm that cool. Want to get a drink sometime?

Anyway, let's get into this as the clock is ticking and the start of the insipid back-slapping is only hours away. Oh my gosh!

The Academy Award For Best Animated Feature Film
Cars
Happy Feet
Monster House

The point of this article originally was to choose an obscure awards category and poke fun at the movies nominated. Given the fact that my hit rate for jokes is about as scattershot as a blast from Elmer Fudd's gun, that point wasn't always fulfilled. Maybe this year will be different! Maybe this year I'll make you laugh! Maybe this year, an overpaid jackass won't take to the stage and collect a gold trophy that pretty much overlooks the hard work of the hundreds of other cast and crew members...oh, never mind.

Today we get to ride with each in a joybucket of nostalgia, as the category for best animated feature film first made an appearance in my second Oscar prediction funfest. Plus, it's double-nostalgia as once again I haven't seen a single movie in this category. Third, it's one of two with the shortest number of nominees to have to write about. Success!

I was going to choose a mainstream category like Best Actor, but not even this sweet little Gringo has enough bile in him to vent over all five nominees. Maybe next year, when I graduate from bile school.

Cars

The first of the three movies that I haven't seen is yet another Pixar animated treat in which convention is discarded faster than a cat in a bag gets tossed in a river. This time round, cars....wait for it...talk! Like people and stuff! This follows on from toys that talk, fish that talk, blah blah blah. Hey, Pixar, why don't you make a movie about furniture that talks? The plot could be about a sweet but shy chair that is struggling to find its place in a daunting world, but when its friend the table is scheduled to be chopped up for fire wood, the little chair has to find his...oh, you know the rest. Every single fucking plotline that comes out of this studio is the same. Oh, ho, ho, it's magic, you know!

Chance of winning: 50%

Happy Feet

This movie was famous for giving Casino Royale a real fight at the box office. Which must have made those Hollywood producers very happy. Hopefully when they're falling asleep on their beds made of banknotes, they'll spare a thought for the hapless audiences who actually have to sit through yet more animated nonsense about a plucky little underdog -- except this time, it's a penguin.

It's really rather tiresome that the selling point for most of these computer animated movies seems to be the fact they're computer animated rather than really good. However, I didn't go to see this movie, so all is well with the world. I did see the new Bond movie though, and I really rather liked it. Perhaps I'll treat you to a review of it someday, because we all know that people come here to check our reviews before deciding whether to lay down $10 for a movie ticket.

Chance of winning: 50%

Monster House

A scary house that comes to life? Oh, piss off.

Chance of winning: 0%

But Gringo! The excitement! Who will win?!

Why do you persist in asking that damn question every single year? Just look at the prediction percentages. I am going oh-wow-I-can't-believe-he'd-be-so-crazy reckless this year and not predicting the winner. Instead, I'll simply say that it will either be Cars or Happy Feet. But if you bet money on either of those and Monster House ends up winning, don't come crying to me when "the man" repossesses your belongings.

Also, if you genuinely bet money on the Oscars, I want to slap your face.

Till next year, Hollywood!


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