2006: In Memoriam
Review By: Jeff

Another year down the crapper so let's get this shindig going.

Worst Celebrity Death - Steve Irwin

Out of every celebrity that kicked the bucket in 2006, nobody's (including Don Knotts) death came as more of a shock than Steve Irwin's aka The Crocodile Hunter. A man who spent his life encountering dangerous animals for preservation/entertainment purposes lost his life, not in the jaws of a hungry Croc, but to the piercing of his heart by a Stingray. I'm sure there's something to be said about how one of the seas most docile creatures succeeded where it's most ferocious failed but, whatever, it doesn't change how much it sucks that he's gone so grab a Foster's and pay some respect to a man that did some crazy shit so we wouldn't have to.

Best Movie - Snakes on a Plane

When it comes to movies, all I expect to be is entertained. I don't care what hidden message or agenda the director is trying to convey, if it keeps me interested throughout than it works. With that in mind, Snakes on a Plane worked on all levels. Yeah, it's a little corny and predictable but who cares, it was a great popcorn flick and deserved to do better at the Box Office than it did. Naturally, I blame its performance on the Internet nerds who reveled in the prerelease stuff but were too damn lazy, stupid, insecure or a mixture of all three to check it out.

Worst Movie - Ultraviolet

It's about vampires so I knew it was going to be bad but GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY IN A IFLATIBLE RICKSHAW did this movie suck. It's about a war between humans and vampires with a woman named Violet trying to stop the human leader from catching his 9-year old clone and extracting a vampire-killing virus that's in his blood. Ok, that sounds interesting on paper but what we see on screen is a cobbled mess of terrible action scenes and horrific acting.

Here's a sample of a typical action scene: A group of soldiers surround Violet and fire their weapons while she stands in the middle and slightly leans and ducks. The gunfire then stops and everyone but her is dead. Oh yeah, did I mention she's ULTRAPOWERFUL!!!!111!! Yeah, we've seen this shit before and it sucked as much now as it did then. Moving on.

Worst Movie Than Ultraviolet - An American Haunting

The ads for this movie promised a story involving a witch or ghost but the actual film is about a father raping his daughter...yeah. I'd best describe this as a big budgeted Lifetime original movie as it gives off the "Men are evil pigs" vibe that usually comes from anything associated with Lifetime and it's ilk. Furthermore, what the hell was the thinking behind this movie anyway? I'm guessing it was something like this:

Movie Producer: We just finished production on our latest film; it's about incest and rape.
Studio Executive: That's hot but it won't play to the rest of the country...what to do...
Movie Producer: Let's sell it as ghost movie, then after people have paid to watch, BAM, we hit 'em with rape!
Studio Executive: I like the way you think, have a bag of money!

Best TV Show - The Venture Bros.

I don't watch much TV but of the shows I do watch, the second season of The Venture Bros. takes the prize for best of the year. Picking up where season 1 ended the series got back into the swing of things and just kept on rolling along with its ever-expanding plot and growing roster of characters. The only bad part is that we have to wait until season 3 to get answers to several questions like: Is Dr. Girlfriend really a man? Will Hank and Dean ever figure out that they're clones? Will General Bot rise from the dead or will Soul Bot and the Cadet have to carry on at the Astro Base without him?

Best New Console - Nintendo Wii

As with the DS, Nintendo has decided to try something different this go around and change the way games are played with the Wii. It's a mix between the Gamecube and the DS with the end result being pure fun. The remote control it uses gives players a real sense of immersion and allows for anyone to pick it up and start playing. It even comes with a pack-in game (Wii Sports) which reminds me of the good old days when companies weren't cheap bastards.

Worst New Console - Playstation 3

$600 nets you the most advanced home console on the market today and for an extra $60 you can have the only game worth playing on it for the next few months. Overpriced, under stocked and lacking in anything worthwhile, the PS3 launch was, to put it bluntly, fucked five ways from Sunday. The system itself is what many expected it to be, a PS2 with GEE-WHIZ! graphics and online stuff, other than that, its pretty much the same only the controller is wireless and has no rumble.

Best Game News - Zelda Finally Came Out!

After what seemed like forever, the newest in the series, The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess finally came out for both the Gamecube and Wii. Needless to say it's just what everyone thought it would be: a fun and classic trek through the land of Hyrule.

Worst Game News - Nintendo Won't Release Mother 3

The Gameboy Advance is on it's last legs and doesn't seem to have any games to look forward to until it's retirement except one; Mother 3. While released in Japan earlier during the year, Mother 3 (known in the U.S. as Earthbound) is something that fans on both sides of the ocean have been waiting for. So why is Nintendo dickin' around with us on the Western Hemisphere by not releasing the game?

Biggest Douche In Gaming - Sony

Sony claims victory for winning this esteemed award due to their questionable antics during the course of the year. First, they announced the $600 PS3 price tag and referred to it as being easily affordable. Of course, if it wasn't for the hard-on they have for their Blu-Ray format, it could have been a lot cheaper. Next, PS3 shipments everywhere were cut in half leaving several people with pre-orders to wait longer and causing sporadic episodes of violence among those in line.

Then there was the All I want for Christmas is a PSP website which is one of the best examples of a company's disrespect for its customers I've seen in a long while. It featured two white guys rappin' about how much they want a PSP for Christmas in a way that makes Vanilla Ice look like Dr. Dre. The saddest part is that not only did it set white people back a few notches, but Sony also denied any involvement until after it became clear that they hired the ad agency that set up the site.

Finally, we have the closing of Lik-Sang, a popular online import store, by Sony because they were selling legally purchased Japanese PSPs to European gamers. That's right; Sony had them shut down because they were making them money. European gamers have it bad enough with delays and titles that never make it over so to them this was like Sony had kicked them in the balls, stolen their football and roofed the fuckin' thing.

Best News From Iraq - Saddam Got Hung

After decades of ruling a country with a bloody iron fist Saddam Hussein was finally put to death by hanging after being tried for his crimes against his people. Only time will tell if his "Thieves Death" will have any kind of positive change in Iraq's current state or if he's just another dead monster to add to the pile.

Best / Worst Celebrity News - Mel Gibson and Michael Richards

I'm sure you already know the story, Mel drinks a lot and hates Jews and Richards sucks at comedy and hates Blacks. Bad news for them but it makes for good TV and it's nice to see people who hold themselves in high moral standard brought down by their own demons. Personally, I'm an equal opportunity racist as I hate everyone equally unless I know them, then I only hate them a little.

That's all I got for 2006 but I hope we can still be BFF IN 2007! GO WILDCATS!!!!!!


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