The Five Worst Presidents...Ever!
Written By: Gringo

I've got bad news. This is the beginning of a semi-regular series here on this sub-par site. Like so many bad compilation music CDs that call themselves The Best Anal Rape Party...Ever! Volume III! Part VI! or similar convoluted titles, I'm going to use the unoriginal opening of The Five Worst...Ever! whenever inspiration (read: boredom) strikes for various topics. As you've probably guessed by clicking on this article, I'm going to start with Presidents. Great. Real exciting choice, Gringo! But not just Presidents of the United States...oh no! No-one's safe! I've gone through movies, politics and even into outer space (I flew to the moon and back) to bring you the definitive list of the five crummiest Presidents you're ever going to find. And if you disagree with what's on the list, then what? Then you win a special prize, Mr. Argue Pants! Before I start, if you can think of any good topics to cover in this 'five worst' thing then by all means email me, as I like stealing ideas. I'm also incredibly lazy. Now it's time to hail to the chief (and also to the cowboy. Ha! Gringo, you sure are funny! Also: no) and let you find out which five men (I couldn't find a bad female President, but I didn't really put a lot of effort into looking) are the worst Presidents...ever!

5. Bill Mitchell

This US President comes from the comedy movie Dave. If you've never seen it, I'll tell you briefly what it's about, because I'm so kind-hearted! Also, I need to type something and I'm having a mental block. In the movie, fictional President Bill Mitchell is incapacitated in hospital, so his advisors draft in a look-a-like to act as him at official functions and the like, because they don't trust the Vice President. Right. Plausibility is the key! They draft in a guy called Dave (hence the movie's title, Mr. Clever Socks). And that's it. Regardless of the fact that he doesn't exist, I hate President Bill Mitchell. I don't mean Bill Mitchell as played by Dave. I mean the original Bill Mitchell, who is presented as a smug, immoral little prick. He's also got a stupid haircut. Yes, you heard me! It is only the best criteria used for judging! Even at this early point in the article, you can probably guess that I got quite desperate for presidents to fill this list with. Sure, I could have just stuffed it with real American leaders, but that's not 100% original. By putting in twats like Bill Mitchell, I can claim this turgid piece of writing is officially 12% original. Magic!

4. William Henry Harrison

Now this guy defines the term 'pompous ass'. Well, he was a pompous ass up until his death. He makes the list for being the most useless President of the United States there has ever been. The clown was elected to office in 1841 and as all presidents do, he went to Washington for his inauguration and inaugural speech. Only this guy was so concerned about not looking like "a darn fruit" (a direct quote, I think) that he refused to wear a coat, hat or any other piece of clothing that would have kept him warm. His stupidity showed itself to know no limits, as it was cold and wet that day, and Harrison soon caught a cold after giving a two hour speech. The cold quickly developed into pneumonia, and within 30 days, he was dead. That was William Henry Harrison. His sheer foolishness earns him a place on this list, plus the fact that 30 days on a job is just slacking. Pull yourself together, man! Plus anyone who can deliver a two hour speech has to be either really captivating or just - at the risk of repetition - a pompous ass. My time machine is broken, so I can't check with people who lived in America in 1841, but my money's on the latter. All three cents of it.

3. President Skroob

Spaceballs was far from Mel Brooks' best movie. I believe it was the beginning of his fall into lame comedy, as it was after the genuine highs of Blazing Saddles and Young Frankenstein, but before the miserable Dracula: Dead And Loving It. How I hated that movie! Anyway, in Spaceballs there's some story or other about the nefarious Dark Helmet and his plans to take over the galaxy, aided by the sleazy President Skroob. That's factor one which puts him on the list, as any president that wants to take over the galaxy has to have a major power problem. Taking over a small country is fine, but the galaxy? Bit extreme. He also ends up on this list because he's played by Mel Brooks, and Mel Brooks cameos in his own films tend to suck most of the time. The Indian chief in Blazing Saddles wasn't really funny, and I won't even mention his performance as Yoda-imitation joke-failure Yogurt. Double the Brooks means double the pain! Let this be a lesson to any would-be presidents out there - if you plan to take over the galaxy and tell really lame jokes, then expect to find your way onto a stupid list at a low-quality website like this one.

2. Richard Nixon

Oh my! A 'worst ever' Presidents list with Richard Milhous Nixon on it! What a surprise! Originality sure knows where to work on Listen To Me! Enough of that nonsense. I'm putting Nixon at number two for the same number of reasons. Firstly, he certainly did a lot of questionable things when in office, there's no denying that. Secondly, the guy gets crapped on from a great height that often his inclusion on this list was inevitable. As such, I feel obliged to put him in. Forget his visits to China and détente with the Soviet Union. This self-promoting, scare-mongering classic politician should be remembered solely for a third-rate burglary! Hint: sarcasm. I don't care one way or the other about Nixon - but I need to fill space on this list and I couldn't instantly think of another US President - or another president, for that matter - whose name is so instantly synonymous with devious behaviour and shifty politics. Celebration! That means this entire paragraph is made up of words that are just filler to try and hide the fact that I didn't really want to put Nixon on this list, let alone write about him. Still, it seems to have worked, and now I can move onto the grand finale of this short, pointless piece.

1. James Dale

Yes, taking first place is another completely fictional President of the United States. If I'd planned this better, I could even say that it makes a nice bookend, as the person at the other end of this list is a fictional US President. But...no. So why is this guy, as played by Jack Nicholson in Mars Attacks! at the toppermost top of the list? Because to put it simply, he screwed up and sold the world out to the Martians. Those evil cackle-voiced beasts came down to Earth and caused utter chaos. And what did President Dale do? Very little. He got all excitable, drank, and that was about it. Plus Tom Jones was in the movie, and that's never a good sign. The only time I've ever danced to one of his songs (yes, I did it, I'm sorry, but I was drunk), it was in a pub and I ended up knocking a wooden board onto my head. Just goes to show you that you should never dance to a Tom Jones song. Also, it proves that lists like these end up deviating greatly from the intended topic - it was something or other about presidents, I think - and end up being more mindless ramblings. Now that you know President Dale was the worst ever, I can end this article. Now.


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