All I Want for Sol Invictus
By: Jeff

Trying to come up with an article to write for Non-Denominational Winter Festival can be a real pain in the ass. Sure you can come up with some good ideas, but when it comes to putting them down on whatever the digital equivalent of paper is it's pretty easy to hit a snag or eight. Because of this, I've decided that instead of boring you with tales of the season or reviewing a holiday themed form of media, I'm going to share with you my Christmas Wish List. I think it's pretty reasonable.

A "Bill O'Reilly is Out of Control" T-shirt - Anyone who watches his show should be familiar with his use of the phrase "out of control" which he uses anytime there are 2 somewhat similar stories involving 2 somewhat similar people. This naturally follows with the assumption that the Secularists in the country are to blame and the only way to fight off the crazy is to buy his latest book. To this I say that Bill O'Reilly, himself, is out of control with his excessive use of the phrase "out of control" and therefore the public must be made aware using the only medium that matters: T-shirts.

A Public Enemy Christmas Album - I know I can't be the only person in the world that wouldn't want to hear rapper Chuck D bellow out some classic seasonal tunes. Despite the fact that he sounds like he's 5 seconds away from punching somebody, I believe the world would be a better place if we could hear him sing Frosty the Snowman.

An End to the War...on Christmas - Every year it's the same thing, Christians (not all, just the extremist of the bunch) bitch and moan because some store or city decides to remove the "Christ" part of the holiday from their respected places so everyone can join in. News Pundits comment on the events claiming that America is "losing its morals" and begin to cry out that society is in a downward spiral. The irony of it is that Jesus (who was most likely born in the spring) has about as much to do with Christmas (a winter holiday), as the Pope (who's abstinent) has to do with directing porn (a jolly good time). Furthermore, taking ancient Pagan holidays and slapping one group's own deities on them doesn't give said group sole control and final say of the holiday in question.

A Talking Stephen Colbert Action Figure - Why this doesn't exist yet is a mystery to me because I can't think of anyone who wouldn't want one of these bad boys. Think about it, he can come with an officially licensed Lightsaber and Action Desk. Top it off with some classic lines such as "You're on notice!" or "I called it!" and you got yourself the perfect gift for anyone.

Bush Bashers to Stop Whining - He's only got 2 years left and isn't going anywhere so quit yer bitchin' and deal with it.

Fat Al Roker - Before having Gastric Bypass Surgery and slimming down, Al Roker was huge, literally. Back then he was AL ROKER (Caps to emphasize his fatness) and thus beloved by all as America's jolly fat Weatherman. Now he's just Al Roker: Weatherman, a slimmer shell of his former glory who is easily swept away by Hurricanes where his former, stouter, self would have been able to withstand the winds while providing a wall of safety for those around him.

Celebrities to Go Away - They made their millions of dollars, boosted their ego and garnered all the attention they could ever want. So why are they still whoring and crying in front of the camera? I don't give a damn what cause they care about this week or who they're sleeping with or what country their new adopted kid is from. You had your little adventure, now go the hell home...and shut the fuck up.

Fat Jared - Can't stand his Subway commercials and just wish he'd gain all the weight back so I wouldn't have to see them anymore.

There, that seems like enough for an article. Naturally, the odds of anything on this list coming true are worse than my chances of winning the Mega Millions and settling down on a nice tropical island filled with monkey butlers and a fully functional ED-209 to shoot them with.


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