Fuck Summer
Because I don't like when it gets hot.
Written By: Joe

It's starting to get warm round these parts, and you know what that means...SPRING IS HERE! That's right, love is in the air, everything's looking up, and the whole world puts on a happy face!! UNLESS YOU'RE A DISGRUNTLED AND BITTER LOSER LIKE MYSELF. Spring is not a terribly enjoyable time of the year for me. It starts getting hot out (often quicker than you'd expect) and people who are cooler (HAHA I MAKE THE JOKES!) than you start having fun in plain sight instead of in the confines of their homes...those bastards!! Spring is not the bane of my existence, however, because there's still the occasional gloomy rainstorm to bring temporary relief and GLOOM, which I so adore because I am goth...well not really but shut up. No, spring is just a prerequisite to the true pain that is realized in the season we all know and love (except me) as summer. Fuck summer.

A lot of people get very surprised when I tell them that summer is one of my least favorite seasons (fall, or autumn for fatties, is my favorite, by the way). They always offer up such arguments like "But, bro! Yo! That's when y'alls get time off from school and you gets to play outside and shizzy and DAMN DIGGY, DAT SHIT'S DA BOOOOOOMB!!!" Well, let me explain my dislike for summer in a bit more detail. I don't dislike the time off from school. I mean, who would dislike time off, what are you, suffering from Down Syndrome? No, I genuinely dislike the weather. Yeah, I know, most people love to get out in the sunlight and generally consider days when the sun is out to be "nice days." Well, NOT ME, MOTHERFUCKER.

I'm not a big fan of either extreme heat or extreme cold. I rather like a bit of middleground. Hence, fall is the season for me. That's when it generally only gets a bit cold out, but not like freezing. That's the season in which you don't need to don a big, stupid looking winter jacket yet, and a jean jacket will do the job just fine. And I must say I just look so sexy in them jean jackets. HIDE YOUR DAUGHTERS, FOLKS! JOE IS OUT ON THE TOWN...MEANING INSIDE HIS HOUSE...BUT PLOTTING NONETHELESS! WATCH YOUR BACK. That went from some sort of sexual harassment threat to a death threat in only a few lines. Celebrate!

Anyway, I don't like spring very much because, unlike fall, where the cold comes gradually, spring usually hits you with a ONE-TWO COMBO of ULTRAHEAT before you've got your pants on proper. Therefore, I dislike summer even more because you can expect DEATH-INDUCING HEAT every goddamned day.

There's something about heat that just SUCKS, when you have to deal with it in massive quantities. I mean, think about it, in the winter, if you turn up the heat and are still cold, you can still keep piling more blankets and layers of clothing upon yourself until you're warm. In the summer, you can only get so cool. The air conditioner only goes up so far and at some point, it just doesn't allow you to destroy the atmosphere anymore. And when you go outside, well in the winter you can put on a coat and a scarf and whatever the hell else you might need. WHAT THE HELL CAN YOU DO FOR SUMMER?! THEY DON'T LET YOU RUN NAKED! TAKE IT FROM ME! THEY DON'T! SHIT! What are you gonna do? Bring a goddamned fan outside with you? HAH! We all know that crap doesn't work!

Here are some more reasons heat sucks. It requires you to change the way you dress so that you won't pass out and die from heat exhaustion. Now, I'm fine with short-sleeve shirts. Heck, I love short-sleeve shirts. In fact, they make up the majority of my wardrobe because I have no fashion sense. However, what I do have an extreme dislike for is SHORTS. Shorts on girls are A-OK with me. Girls can keep on wearing shorts all the time. HELL, I ENCOURAGE IT...as long as they're hot. On guys, I could care less and, on me, NO GOOD. Although I generally don't give five rat shits (that's quite a few when you think about it) about what I put on and consider a blood-stained potato bag as good as the next Armani, I DO NOT LIKE SHORTS. Besides, there's apparently a certain type and length of shorts (below-the-knee khakis are all the rage now, it would seem) that's "OK" for boys to wear. And I don't care nearly enough to seek out and buy these. Hence, all other types of shorts are GAY. As if I weren't gay enough with my dislike of sports, girlish laugh, and that photo shoot I did in Lusty Male Monthly. I SWEAR I WAS DRUNK...or at least a bit tipsy...well, okay, completely sober, but still.

While we're still on the topic of summer fashion, we will discuss shoes. This dislike of summer comes from my horribly traumatic childhood. My dad is crazy and not from this country. Thus, he wears sandals. I don't like sandals. I figure you either go the whole shoe or you go barefoot. I don't like having straps around my feet, that just makes the sweating more noticeable in those particular areas and I find it very uncomfortable. I also explained to him time and time again that I get called "homo" quite often enough without having sandals on to encourage people. REGARDLESS, my dad would practically INSIST every year that I get a pair of sandals to the point that I ate my neighbor's head. She was mad...but then I apologized. Anyway, that's another reason why summer pains me psychologically. Yeah, you see how you scum.

Now, about sweating. I don't like sweating either. I know scientists and zoologists and fat people who sweat while eating say, "Oh, sweating is very good for you. That is how your body automatically cools you down, by peeing out of all your orifices like some kind of freak-baby." WELL FUCK THAT! Sweating just reminds me all the more of how goddamned hot I am at the time. You get all sticky and stinky and you just hate yourself and want to die. The only time sweating cools you down is when you have cool air blowing on you and that usually only happens when you get inside and stand in front of an air conditioner. OH YES! SO HELPFUL AND FUNCTIONAL IN MY TIME OF NEED! SWEATING, I SALUTE YOU (with one finger lolololol)!!

If I were to have to take death by exceptional amounts of heat or death by freezing, I'd pick freezing. Let me explain. If you were freezing, you would be like "Oh, golly, it is some cold. I wish for death" and you would be shivering and such and, admittedly, it would suck quite a bit. I'm not saying you should all go out there and freeze yourselves to death so hold on there, you silly kids sticking your head in the freezer. All I'm saying is that, yes, cold sucks but heat sucks more. Heat just manages to TAKE LIFE OUT OF YOU like a SOUL-SUCKING DEMON from HELL (note: hell is hot). When you are dehydrated and exhausted and otherwise fucked due to heat, you are panting and all wet with your icky sweat-juices. Basically, you feel like utter shit. If you were dying from heat, you wouldn't just want to die, you would want to die IMMEDIATELY. How do I know this? Extensive studies. Do not question or face the wrath.

Also, if you die by freezing you might not die, you might just get frozen for a couple of years and then wake up in the future at which point you'll be able to find out the truth about the Kennedy assassination! Heck, you could just wait for it, but who's got the patience?! That 7-11 dairy case looks mighty inviting now, doesn't it?! GO FOR IT!!!

Anyhoo, back to how heat sucks. There is something about heat that makes it feel genuinely constrictive. It makes you feel like you just can't do anything because it's kicking your ass so damned effectively. It actually feels oppressive to the point where you might as well be part of a minority group. Think about it. You know those days where it's so bloody hot outside that when you go out you realize that your attempts to do something outdoors-oriented are completely futile because THE SUN (not to mention the humidity) IS WHIPPING YOUR ASS WITH A 2 X 4...OF HEAT. Unless you live in Alaska or you are Santa Claus (get me presents), it is usually not so cold out that you literally feel like you can't do anything outside. The only time you don't go anywhere when it snows is when it's a snow day and school gets cancelled...and that there's a good thing, Charlie.

Oh and I also don't really like the sun as an individual. He is always late to parties. Also, the sun hurts my eyes and I have to squint all the time when I am outside and it gives people skin cancer and makes them vomit. Another thing the sun does is make me think of the morning. You know how the sun comes up in the morning, right? Well, it does!! I know! It's crazy! Anyway, I'm not a morning person at all. I used to be a morning person back when I was a little kid because I'd wake up Saturday mornings to watch Gamepro TV because I didn't have any video game systems but I could pretend I did by watching them on TV at 6:30 AM. A sad childhood, you say? YOU BETCHA. Anyway, I'm not a morning person anymore and there's no way I can ever be again. It's not just a matter of me getting to bed at a reasonable hour (although I never do). It's the fact that everything that makes morning morning bugs me. The light in my eyes just pisses me off and people that appear to be wide awake piss me off. Overall, everything's just too bright and good and lalalawakeuphappytimes (it IS a word) for me that early. I simply cannot feel like I've gotten enough sleep when I wake up in the morning, regardless of how early I went to bed the night before. The sun just hurts my eyes and makes me angry and tired again and in the summer, that shit's out a whole lot. Night-time in the summer isn't that bad though...if it's not disgustingly hot. I'm boring you and myself as well. Let's shut, shall we?

Gosh, I talk a lot. I'm not done yet, you know. ANYWAY! I know I said the weather is what I dislike about summer but I actually dislike other stuff too! Yay! Because it leads to so much pain in itself, my biggest issue with summer is this: At other times of the year, you have stuff to do like school and hitting dumb people with sporks. During summer, you ain't got shit nothin' that you're obligated to do. HENCE, and I believe this is the case for many people, your parents see this as a perfect opportunity for you to get out and do shit that isn't really fun but is supposed to be. LIKE CAMP.

I HATE CAMP. I went to camp once. It was a YMCA camp. I didn't know it was a YMCA camp at the time because it wasn't held at the YMCA and I somehow didn't catch on to the fact that it was a YMCA camp until the very end of the summer. I already hated the YMCA before going to the camp because my friends had been going to a YMCA camp every summer and that meant I had nothing to do in the daytime. I don't talk to those friends anymore. One became a hardcore wigger. That's probably why I don't talk to him anymore. Anyway, camp sucks. It's a lot like being in gym class...FOR THE WHOLE DAY. For those of you who can't understand this because you like gym and/or camp...um...suck my cock!

At this point in my life, summer signifies getting a job. This is also no good. Also, one time I had to take soccer but I don't think that was in the summer even so it's not really relevant. It sucked though. I quit during the first game, it was funny. I'M NOT A PUSSY, YOU ARE.

What the fuck was I talking about? Ah, fuck it.

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