My LG Phone is Stupid
Written By: Joe

So, quite some time ago, when I was a young, irritable little sonofabitch, I wrote this thingy about how I hated cell phones (TRANSLATION FOR EUROPE: MOBILE PHONES). Well it's not like I stopped hating everything I hate about them but, obviously, I have one now. I mean, honestly, how can you not? You pretty much bloody well need to have one of these pocket-sized cancer generators on you to function in this society now. Awhile back I thought maybe that when cell phones were BLOWIN' UP that Americans (and probably the Japanese) were the only ones with the atrocious showy-offy phones that take videos and play annoyingly loud music and make you ice cream but, no!, they're everywhere. Even in Egypt, which is kind of a ghetto country. Because I went and saw. Yes, really, I did.

Like I imagine many folks my age are doing, I don't even have a direct line to my place of dwelling. It just doesn't make sense. There's no need for it. I barely use my cell, but I keep it on my person at all times to ensure myself a healthy batch of upper thigh cancer. Even so, I honestly have to wonder now how people ever met up for anything in the past. I mean, you get to a place and you're lost and your friends are lost and there are so many parts of that one location that they could be in. Of course you call them up and describe your surroundings so that they can find you! Not that this is ever really an issue for yours truly considering my severe lack of companionship but, really now, how did you social people used to function? I don't recall seeing too many jokers hauling around walkie talkies.

Anyway, this is all unrelated to what we're here to discuss: the reasons my phone sucks. See, I had this other phone that was an ugly beast that didn't have a flip-top thingy (which is only an issue to me because I prefer not to be encumbered with pocket-oriented bulk most of the time and the flip-tops are much smaller) so I had to hit that little key combination every time I put it back in my pocket so that it would lock the keys. This also meant that every time I wanted to take it out to look at the time (BEAMED TO ME DIRECTLY FROM THE GOVERNMENT), some buttons would inevitably have been pressed whilst up against my milky thighs (sorry) so the main screen would be on, not the time, and I'd have to wait patiently for the time to come back or navigate the menus to get to the clock screen.

Not that I couldn't deal with such a thing, but the '6' key was also breaking for some reason. This happened quite early in its life and I spent a lot of time gouging the key in with my house keys every time I needed to dial a '6', which was often because my voicemail password happens to have a '6' in it, which I'm sure I could've changed but, ah, the effort! So, basically, my phone's '6' key had this giant hole bored into it. Later, my power button started getting similarly iffy and, for some reason, I made the wise decision to just rip the bastard right off. Thus, I began gouging my phone's innards in order to turn it on and off. Usually when there's a button on the outside of a piece of electronics and you rip it off, there's a corresponding button on the inside that's fairly easy to spot. Not so with my phone! I just saw a bunch of circuit boards and shit! I spent quite a while jamming things in there (omg I am not going there, guys) and was very lucky when it would go on (usually with the end of my phone's charger's plug, which shows you how they are manufactured to work in tandem). Eventually, I ruined the insides so much that it was getting to be as rare an occurrence as me making eye contact with a girl without any apparent severe physical problems! Well, no not that rare.

Anyway, I brought it to Verizon and they were, true to form, a bunch of royal cunts about replacing it but, anyway, boring story finally ended, I got a new phone. All I wanted was for it to open and close so that I didn't have to enter a key combination and I could see the time whenever I wanted by just taking it out of my pocket and looking at it. I ended up with an LG brand phone. I guess it's nice that I have the pointless feature I never really use of being able to talk to my phone and command it to call people with my voice (I have two fake numbers for people named "Fuck Shit Ass" and "doodyplopcunt" just so I can have the pleasure of hearing my phone repeat those phrases back to me in a robotic voice) and that I can set the phone so that when I hit numbers it tells them to me in Spanish but, really, I should've chosen more carefully.

Now, the phone basically does what it's supposed to do, that is make and accept phone calls, but I've always prided myself on being critical to the point of absurdity so how about some nitpicking?! You want some!? I got some for you!

I hear from other people that most LG phones have these similar features, incidentally, so I don't think it's just my phone. I think LG is just a company of idiots. It's not that my issues with the phone by any means make it an intolerable piece of equipment to use, it's just that there are a number of design flaws in it that seem so immediately noticeable to me that I wonder what the hell these LG people are doing in the cell phone-making business. Maybe they just want me to buy one of their classier, high-end phones but, honestly, these are simple features, people, and, like I said, I hear a lot of their models are like this.

This article is boring and is proving itself to only continue being so.


This isn't my actual cell phone model but, whatever, it's LG so it's close enough.

First and foremost is the fact that there are buttons on the sides of the phone that can be pressed without opening it. Thusly, these get pressed while the phone's in my pocket. This wouldn't be a problem if these buttons had no real power over the phone while it was closed but, oh no, that's not the case. I don't even know how to do it but some combination of button presses and maybe holding stuff down puts my phone in DRIVING MODE. I don't even know how the FUCK driving mode works but I think it turns on the speaker phone and makes it so that the phone automatically asks you for a voice command when you open it.

I'd say that about half of the times I take it out of my pocket, I find the damn thing has put itself into driving mode, or, at least, has turned the speaker phone on without my permission. This often results in me answering a call, holding the phone up to my ear and getting SPEAKER PHONE LOUDNESS DESTROYING MY GODDAMNED EAR DRUM. This is a goddamned stupid idea. I no longer have to lock my keypad, so I shouldn't have to worry about buttons being pressed. These buttons should just not do anything until you open the phone, okay, LG? You asses.

I don't know if it's a result of the button presses, but my phone also vibrates ONCE sometimes. I open it up, thinking someone's FINALLY calling me or at least sending me a message but, no, my phone just wants to remind me it's there! VRRRRBB! Oh, hello, phone, so good to see you! Oh, you have nothing to say?! Okay! Well, it's always nice to see your face all the same!

Another minor, but just plain stupid thing, is the fact that, when I plug my cell phone into its charger, the screen goes bright for a second, then dims, but wait! As soon as the charge is completed, it BRIGHTENS UP with the happy phrase "CHARGE COMPLETED" on it and it stays this way. Think about the stupidity of this. The fact of the matter is that a lot of people are going to charge their phones overnight whilst they SLEEP. They maybe, just maybe, might also leave the phone in the room in which they are sleeping because they are expecting important calls that they don't mind being woken up for or perhaps they're just cheap and their cell phone doubles as their alarm clock.

When you SLEEP, rooms are often DARK. I didn't ask for a faggot-ass nightlight, LG. Maybe you can make a kiddie phone that doubles as a nightlight deliberately but, for my purposes, this just results in me trying to sleep and then jolting up when a bright beam of green light shoots out from atop my dresser. Okay, so I've totally gotten used to this, obviously, and I just turn the phone onto its face before I get into bed so such a thing doesn't bug me but, again, my point is just that this seems like common sense to me. I have to wonder if the people at LG even have anybody try their phones out before they unleash them upon the unwitting consumer. Just spend a couple of days with the lousy thing and these foolish issues become apparent.

WAIT, HERE'S ANOTHER.

Cell phone rings are almost exclusively irritating. Whether they're cheesy midi-based facsimiles of popular tunes, horribly distorted genuine clips of a song, or (most horribly) some celebrity's voice repeating incessantly they're basically little more than an annoyance to everyone except the person whose phone it is (because they NEVER get tired of the Milkshake song). Still, they serve a function. Maybe you're sitting down and you don't want to keep that hunk of plastic and metal in your pocket so you can FEEL THE VIBRATION!!! Maybe you aren't wearing any pants! You might forget it in another room or something and, in such a case, chances are that you're more likely to hear your ringtone than your phone vibrating off the desk. On the other hand, the vibration is nice to have for the times that the phone is on your person and let's say you're at a concert or a noisy construction site. Now having the vibration on makes more sense than having it ring.

SO, HMM!!! Wouldn't it be HELLASS LOGICAL for your phone to be able to both ring AND vibrate at the same time?! Yeah! I think so too! Does my LG? Well, sure! But only under one MORONIC, STUPID, COMPLETELY IMPRACTICAL condition (and this, most especially, is the one that has been corraborated by a couple of other people as being a standard LG flaw).

In order to have my phone both vibrate and ring at the same time, I have to turn the volume ALL THE WAY UP, UP, UP!!! The settings are Silent (which, in effect, makes having the phone on an entirely worthless endeavor), Low, Med Low, Med, Med High, High, and Vib & High. Even though I'm aware that, at this point, everyone's used to hearing awful, ear-murdering cell phone rings wherever they go, I'm still fairly self-conscious (cellf-conscious?! HAHAHA!) about it. Contrary to popular(?) belief, I don't like being the annoying person on the subway making a bunch of noise. My phone is already fairly loud when it's on Medium. When it's on High, or Vib & High, it's a veritable aural massacre and I end up scrambling to retrieve it from my pocket and quickly shut it the fuck up.

Again, my method of adapting to this is, obviously, that I simply almost never have my ringer on and elect to just have it vibrate or, as the phone sweetly calls it, "Manner Mode" ooh ooh! USUALLY, my phone is in my pants pocket and I can tell it's ringing, but I have missed one or two calls after taking it out and putting it somewhere and forgetting to put the ringer on again.

To reiterate yet another time, these are not huge issues at all. They're just such bold-faced ignorant design decisions that I really question what the LG people do with their time. Probably cocaine with rolled-up hundred-dollar bills. The irony of all this is that, although a few of the issues with my older phone (and the fact that it was kind of broken) were cleared up with this new, state-of-the-art, wave-of-the-future LG, none of these blatantly stupid-ass design flaws were present in my old, almost-looked-like-one-of-the-first-off-the-line, Zak Morris-esque cell phone. LG can, at least, take pride in the fact that I'll totally remember their company name from now on and my other phone which, in a manner of speaking, was developed a lot more sensibly, was made by some reliable folks whose name I couldn't even begin to tell you. Sorry, boyz! Anyway, fuck you, LG. Suck my nitpicking on my occasionally visited website.


I assume this slogan pertains only to the heads of the company.


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