Suck It, Radiohead!
Review By: Joe

I HAD NOT HEARD MUCH RADIOHEAD!!!!!!! At one point (writing parts of sentences like they're whole sentences by themselves is extra superfun!!!) in my life but from what I had heard, I was not altogether impressed. I'm always willing to give alternative music a chance as it's generally at least slightly better than the popular tripe that permeates the air waves at any given time. NEVERTHELESS, what I had heard of Radiohead sounded, well, kind of gay.

Hello! This is rock!? Pussy rock for pussies maybe!! HA HA I AM MACHO! Anyway, even though my scattered samplings of the magic that is Radiohead had not registered all that highly with me, I still pondered on the relatively substantial popularity that this band has. Curiosity got the better of me and I went ahead and purchased OK Computer a.k.a. the best album (that's what the kids say anyhow). I mean I didn't see how it could be all bad. OH BOY THIS IS PART WHERE JOE RIPS APART THE RADIOHEAD GUYS AND HE IS LIKE HA HA THE ALBUM SUCKS I HAVE TESTOSTERONE IN MY SKIVVIES! Actually, sorry to disappoint, but I don't hate Radiohead's music. For one, I, racing to be at the forefront of pop culture whenever possible, do enjoy those popular singles they had, namely Creep and Karma Police. Karma Police is a nifty song that sounds a bit (JUST A BIT, MIND YOU) like a rip-off of Where is My Mind? (a.k.a. The Only Song by The Pixies that Anyone Knows Of These Days) but that's good because that's a great song. Karma Police is not as good as or better than Where is My Mind? by any stretch of the imagination, by the way, but it's still good. MY OPINION = ALWAYS RIGHT.

As for OK Computer, it probably is the best Radiohead album. The way I can tell is that I don't mind sitting through that one the least out of all the albums (well I don't have Kid A or um that one with the one-word title...the new one...can't remember...Insomniac was a Green Day album so...AMNESIAC! Yes I don't have that either.) I've heard, which I keep buying for some reason, thinking I'll like each one more than the last. People have told me I'd like older Radiohead better because they use to "rock" a bit more and used to be bigger Pixies rip-offs. I did enjoy the track Electioneering from OK Computer and it is pretty much the only one on that CD that I'd classify as being anywhere close to all-out rock. If the older albums had a style like that song at all, then, yes, perhaps I'd like them!

So I purchase Pablo Honey and The Bends and OH MY GOLLY MORE STUFF I AM NOT THAT KEEN ON. Again, a few tracks I think are really cool and then a whole bunch that are nothing I hate with a passion but I'm not particularly fond of them. Most Radiohead stuff falls into one of two possible classes for me: "TOO DAMN SOFT" or "FUCKING DEPRESSING" or some crazy marriage between the two where the kids look like cheese wheels with that triangle cut out of them. So I basically listen to some Radiohead and then just forget about it afterwards because I generally don't keep anything too soft inside my head (EXCEPT MY BRAIN HAHAHFAHHFAJ!kV) or because no one likes being depressed all the time! The depression factor really is one reason I am not so big on Radiohead. I remember I had OK Computer on in my car automobile car machine and realized after a couple of tracks that I wanted to park on some train tracks...NEVER TO ACCELERATE AGAIN. Not that the music was that bad...it just incites that sort of behavior in a person regardless of whether they're a stupid teen with suicide on the brain or not. Papa Roach has got nothing on these blokes!

So, essentially, Radiohead is a band that I am mostly indifferent to (BIG QUESTION: Why do I like Idioteque so much?! PLAAGAHFLAGGA!!!). So why did I title this article-thingy "Suck It, Radiohead?" It's simple really!!! I don't really hate Radiohead but I couldn't care less if they sucked it because I don't really know what that entails and I am not sure what gets sucked in this instance. However, I still wouldn't wish the punishment of "sucking it" on someone I cared about. Since I don't care that much about Radiohead, they can suck it. Well, this isn't really the reason I titled the article as I did. Really, I probably should've titled it "Suck It, Radiohead's Fans!" because it's really the fans that bug me. It's too late to change it now though. NO, DON'T ARGUE TOO LATE TOO LATE!!!

Yes, it is true, in my opinion Radiohead's fans are the most irritating thing about the band. I am talking about the fans that seem to think that listening to the band makes them more musically refined than the rest of us. These are the people who not only advise you to listen to the band, they friggin' (ooo, apostrophe!) demand it. These are the people who basically say that if you aren't listening to Radiohead, you aren't listening to the right stuff (oh oh, ohwoahoh, oh oh wee oh). These are the folks that would, if you were so inclined to tell them your negative opinion of a Radiohead song, explain to why you are WRONG WRONG WRONG because there is genius contained within that whiny vocal track and crazy electronic drumbeat. They might even tack on that you don't like the music because you don't "understand" it. I commission that these people be shot on sight. Yes, seems likely, if I UNDERSTAND the song then my musical tastes will be COMPLETELY TURNED ON THEIR EARS (oh no, not their ears!) AND I WILL BEGIN TO LIKE THAT WHICH I ONCE THOUGHT WAS CRAP ON TOAST. Yes. Likely.

If you talk to someone who tells you that Radiohead is the best band ever, that Radiohead is the only decent band out there now, that Radiohead is the only spark of originality in an otherwise stagnant music world (perhaps the only current original band that's hit mainstream status, yes), and then refuses to admit that this is only their opinion and not a proven truth, smack them in the face for me, would you? If you're one of these people that does these things or one of those people that goes out of the way to worship the band regardless of what they do (you people who willingly admit to the fact that the newer albums pale in comparison to the older stuff, I want to make sexy, sexy love to), smack yourself. This, when we get down to it, is simply a case of being self-righteous; making a claim that something you like or are into is the be all, end all of everything ever and that you are right and this is the way it is and this fact is completely irrefutable. Self-righteousness comes in many forms and is attached to many things so I'm not altogether sure why I happened to choose Radiohead at the present time (I think I just liked the title "Suck It, Radiohead!" Also, we badly needed another piece for the Music section.). Don't worry! I'll attach it to drugs later! Interesting fact: the first three sentences in this paragraph all pissed MS Word off due to their extensive length. Yeah, screw your grammar, MS Word! Beat the system and other such rebellious, angst-infused rhetoric!

As I have said, please note that I don't hate Radiohead's music. That should show you that I'm not just some perturbed little runt who can't find any merit in the band and due to the fact that everyone else seems to be thinking they're so great, I feel left out and as though I should lash out them (I do, incidentally, feel that way about Sexy Losers but I confide myself in the fact that that comic is very, very stupid). I simply don't think that Radiohead is ultra-super-megafuntime-amazery. PLEASE NOTE, HOWEVER, that I do not, I repeat, not, push my feelings about the band onto you folks or anyone else or state other bands that I think the world should be listening to right now just because I think they're superkeen. If you like Radiohead, fine. You keep on liking Radiohead, I'll keep on thinking Radiohead isn't that bad. Heck, you can even tell me you like Radiohead, that's really okay. Just don't tell me that I should be liking Radiohead because I don't agree with you and I'd rather not hear about it, okeydokey kiddies?! Also! I once heard that Thom Yorke and the boys made the request to their fans that they don't buy their older albums as they don't reflect the same style that they have now. How pretentious of him. Maybe I do have a reason to hate the band themselves. OH WELL, LET'S NOT DEAL WITH THIS NOW. But, hey, also! Thom Yorke once apparently said that Karma Police is now a poser song (note that this is all hearsay). Yay! I'm a poser! I soil myself!

Now, off to do three school-oriented essays in one night! HO HO! 3 AM IS JUST A NUMBER WITH TWO LETTERS ATTACHED TO THE END! HAH! Help me, Jesus.


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