The Only Good Christmas Songs (are dead Christmas songs hahaha)
By: Joe

So, Christmas is pretty annoying. I think most of us people on the internet have figured that out by now, no? Sure, the whole spirit of giving and being nice to each other is supposed to be there but the giving part has been blown out of proportion and has become "SPEND LAVISH AMOUNTS OF MONEY ON STUFF YOU DON'T REALLY NEED" and "being nice to each other" has been replaced by "everybody hates everybody else around the holidays." We all know this, right? But why exactly is it that we all are so full of hate around the holidays?

There's a number of reasons. One: it's cold (well, if you live in a NORMAL place it is), two: shopping is like being in hell during Christmas shopping season, three: Jesus STILL hasn't made an appearance even though it's totally supposed to be his birthday and it's like, come on, already, right?, four: holiday commercials may very well be even more annoying than other commercials (OH THE CAR HAS A GIANT BOW ON IT OOH AHH FUCK!), five: if you're poor, everyone has more stuff than you around now, six: if you're lonely, everyone has more love than you around now, and, finally, seven: CHRISTMAS CAROLS SUCK.

When you were little, you probably thought that little box that played crappy electronic versions of all the classic Christmas music and made your tree light up in time to the music was just AWESOME but your parents freaking hated it and began to wonder why they bought such an atrocity (and, indeed, why they birthed you) immediately after doing so. Most Christmas songs get pretty grating on the ears and the SOUL after hearing them year after bloody year. They're very upbeat and repetitive and far too many of them are about Jesus. Additionally, they get played ad nauseum in stores, just to further compound the already torturous nature of Christmas shopping.

Plus, there's remixes of all these songs OH MY GOD THE R&B VERSIONS OF CHRISTMAS SONGS and the notion of producing these horrors apparently never grows stagnant for anyone as every year I hear another "FrooOoOOOoOOoosty...the....snowMAAAAAAAAANNN...was a......JOLLYJOLLY...SOHOHOHOOHOOOOOULLLLL!"

Anyway, the question remains are there any good Christmas songs? That is the question you asked, yes. Right, so, yes, there are. There are exactly five. Now I'm gonna tell you what I think they are...in reverse hors d'oeuvres. And it's obvious you should...listen...to...ME! WEBSITE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5. The Theme from Home Alone

Well, I know it's not TECHNICALLY a REAL Christmas song but WHO DOESN'T LIKE THAT little ditty when Kevin runnin' around all crazy from two men in a van?! It's a pretty cool song and here is how it goes, "Doot dat doot dat dooooooooooot dat! Doo-da-doo-doo-da-dooooooooooooo daaaa!" Hmm, now that I'm into the actual content of this article, I've realized I've very little to say. Oh well!

4. The Trans-Siberian Orchestra - Wizards of Winter

Okay, so the only reason I know of this song is because of that foolish house light display that was all over the internetron recently but I still rather like it. And I still like the lights too! I mean you cannot rock out at Christmas any better than this, can you?! I mean CAN YOU?!??? I would like to see it if you think you could. These Siberan guys do lots of cheesy-cool rock opera Christmas-themed music but, from what I can tell at least, this is the best they got.

3. Pachelbel's Canon in D Major

This is a roight purty classical piece written in 1680 (THANKS, WIKIPEDIA!) If the name doesn't ring a bell, believe me, you've heard it anyway. I didn't even know it was considered a Christmas song until, JUST THIS YEAR!, I heard it on the radio on multiple occasions in 7-11 and other stores. It's one of the only radio-played Christmas ditties that DOESN'T piss me off!

Apparently, some Christmas carol I've never heard of called Jolly Old Saint Nicholas uses the chord structure from the song and I can hear it in there but I'm pretty sure the version I heard at 7-11 is just the original song with choir children singing Christmas stuff to it. Those Tran-Siberians also do like two versions of it or something. It's also played at weddings a lot and is heavily featured in the dysfunctional family film, Ordinary People. Man, Mary Tyler Moore is such a bitch in that! I can see why Dick Van Dyke left her.

2. The Carol of the Bells

Christmas songs, as a rule, tend to be far too saccharine (YEAH) and upbeat for my tastes which is why The Carol of the Bells is so damn cool. This CLASSICK definitely has a bit of a negative, sinister flavor to it, albeit being very nice sounding and, uh, I guess, festive. It's also got that cool "around" thing going on that you do when you sing Row, Row, Row Your Boat. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, I hope so too.

1. God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen

This song is bursting at the seams with Jesus-related content. It talks about his birth and how Satan blows and God is #1 and a bunch of other crap but it's still awesome. I'm sure some more CLASSY radio stations play this around Christmastime but I don't feel like I ever hear this song played over the speakers in a CVS or anything like that.

I think this song goes largely forgotten by a lot of people (JERKS) but it rocks for the same reason The Carol of the Bells does. It's in a minor key (I assume it is anyway, I don't actually know nor am I checking) and it makes the music all like "GRR! JESUS IS COMING TO GET YOU!!!" and stuff. Anyway, if you ignore all the nonsense about God being supernice and so forth, the music for this song is quite the juicy berry.

BEST CHRISTMAS CAROL EVER??? APPARENTLY!!! I MADE IT, #1 DIDN'T I?!?

END OF DISCUSSION!!!


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