Laid Back: Ride The White Horse
Written By: Gringo

I am a dumb fuck. It's not a particularly eloquent way to insult myself, but it's true, and it's not just token self-deprecation. While "researching" this "comic" article and "finding" ways to "overuse" quotation marks, I somehow formed the impression that the song Ride The White Horse was written and performed by The Gap Band.

However, two very nice, smart individuals e-mailed me to reveal that I am actually a clown and got it completely wrong. First up (admittedly back in March, and it's June now, so I've been very lazy at updating this) was someone calling themselves Groovepusher Sly:

Stumbled across your webpage while I was looking for the artist who
recorded "White Horse". I knew it wasn't the Gap Band. Thought you
might be interested to know who the group was, they're called Laid
Back. The song is from the 1983 album "Keep Smiling".

For once, I'm being genuine when I say thank you to this guy, even if his parents gave him a strange name, but never really bothered to follow up on it, thinking I could get away with just one person noticing. Then I got an e-mail from Mark, who was sadly born without a surname:

Hey dude,

White Horse was written/performed by Laid Back. See... (link)

The song is all about heroin.

That message came only a few weeks ago. Realising that there were bound to be more, I decided it was time to update this article. Don't worry, I've left all the crap jokes in, I've merely done little more than replacing the words The Gap Band with Laid Back.

I love you all.


Let me be honest from the start...I have no fucking clue what the hell is meant to be going on in this song. What song, you ask? Ride The White Horse, you dummy! Performed by some wacky people calling themselves Laid Back, it's a tune that's stuck in my brain like that piece of shrapnel from 'Nam. FUCK YOU, DIRTY GOOKS! Uh...anyway, I've not been able to forget it since my first hearing.

Gringo story time! Once, in a lullaby, I was in a car in Los Angeles, being driven towards a meeting with some crazy lady (the story, it is not so detailed). It was relatively late at night, and I was sleepy, and drifting in and out of consciousness.

While I was dozing off, I heard a song come on the radio. At the time, I thought I'd dreamt it, because it was such a bizarre, freaky tune I didn't think any decent human being could possibly produce such a sound. Little did I know that it was actually Ride The White Horse, and the naughty people responsible were none other than the members of Laid Back.

Essentially, the song consists of this type of dat-doo-dat music, which I normally hate. But there's something about the simplistic lyrics - "If you want to ride...don't ride the white horse" - that won me over. That, and the fact it sounds like music from a NES game with some grunty lyrics sung over it.

And that's more or less it as far as the song's concerned. The same five seconds seem to repeat, with the occasional noise being thrown in to break it up for the whole four-and-a-bit minutes.

The highlight is probably halfway through, when the lyrics change oh so very cleverly to "If you want to be rich...you've got to be a bitch" Quite. To emphasise this fact, the next line is simply "Rich...BITCH" A classic in the making! Any song that calls the listener "YOU BITCH!" is a gem. You argue? You die!

I heartily recommend you go out and buy this song, just so that as many people as possible get to suffer the insanity. If you can't afford the song, try calling your local radio station and requesting it. If your local station is talk radio, shout "CUNTS! PLAY SOME MUSIC!" then hang up. Instead, go on the Internet and download the song. If you want to break the law! HAHA!

Not that I advocate that, of course. If you haven't got an Internet connection then - ignoring the question of how the fuck you've managed to read this article - then scream, shout "I WILL NEVER HEAR THIS FINE SONG!" and eject several bullets into your face. If you want to.


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