Weezer: The Lion And The Witch
Review By: Gringo

Weezer went on a tour in 2002, after canceling an earlier one, which would have seen them play in London. I booked tickets for one of the original London gigs, but got a refund when the band cancelled. Then the crackpots went and said "Oops! We are going to do a tour after all! Worldwide, indeed!" Anyway, I didn't buy a new ticket. Instead, I blew the money on alcohol and ended up with a hangover. JUST CALL ME JOHNNY REBEL. Sometime during their tour of Japan, Weezer recorded a few of their live songs and eventually stuck them on a teeny tiny CD called The Lion And The Witch. I bought the CD, and now you will read my review of it! Or you can dance, whichever you would prefer.

1. Dope Nose
This song is a rather good super-win. Although the CD starts with some slow guitar and some CLAP-CLAP hand clapping and chitter-chatter. Stop your talking! Get on with the song! Rivers says, "Good morning Japan, welcome to our show" before the band start this song. And you know something? I think you had to be there. It's not that different from the album version of Dope Nose, but there's that slightly distant live effect (on a live album? WHAT THE FUCK CRAZY?) which seems to make the song less of a win. On a scale of one to one million, this song ends up at 500,000. AND DON'T YOU DARE SAY OTHERWISE, BITCH. Still, they sang "fag of the year" to a bunch of Japanese Weezer fans, which has its humour merit.

2. Island In The Sun
HIP HIP. The first time I heard this song, I hated it. The second time I heard this song, I hated it. The third time I heard this song, I hated it. SO WHEN DID YOU LIKE IT, GRINGO? AND WHY SO MANY CAPITAL LETTERS? I shall answer both of those questions now! I started liking it after listening to it a few more times, and continued to like it until the Olsen twins went and did a cover of it. Naughty! As for the excessive use of capital letters, screw you! What do you think caps lock was invented for? NEVER TO BE USED? Anyway, by the time Island In The Sun is halfway through, you get the feeling already that this CD, although it comes with funky packaging, is a bit like a CD of those free Weezer mp3s the band put up on their website before Maladroit came out. Jinkies!

3. Falling For You
This is more like it! Decent Weezer songs begin! This song is a winner - and Rivers even asks for God's help to get him through the song! Exclamation marks aplenty! Although he also shouts "yeah! We didn't fuck it up!" at the end, which is a naughty. Because there is never swearing on Listen To Me! No, never! Also, there is a bit of chatter by Rivers to the audience where he says how good the band is. I don't really care anymore! This song is good, and remarkably it doesn't sound bad on the CD either. It's a win-win situation!

4. Death And Destruction
Rivers starts talking about some party and going with bells on. He is a crazy man. Then the song begins. I don't like this song. I think I'll just quote Joe's Maladroit review here to sum up my feelings. This "is a gay track for homosexuals! It is very slow and is not the worst thing I have ever heard but I have heard some bad things like the time when I lived next to a graveyard and necrophiliacs would come in the night and fuck the corpses." Thanks, Joe! Such easy steal! Death And Destruction is also no better taken from a concert, as this CD shows.

5. El Scorcho
I bet the Japanese girls in the audience loved this one. This song wins in any situation, and is a generally good track, even if Rivers seems to forget the words halfway through and just mutters instead. That wacky Rivers! Always with the jokes! It's at this point I also realised I could have taken the six tracks off this CD from some file-sharing program and not bothered paying $7.99 for them. Whoops! But then, Gringo would never use a file-sharing program! Oh no! Also, Gringo will stop talking in the third person.

6. Holiday
So Weezer end the concert with Holiday. This song is okay, it is nowhere near as good as many other of the band's songs, but will not make your ears bleed. Which is a good thing! Although yet again, the version on The Lion And The Witch seems to win less times than the original. Such a shame!

And with that, it is finished! THIS CD IS OVER. Golly gosh, Mr. Robinson! I hope Weezer concerts normally last for more than six songs! Two minutes less than the entire Green Album. Chortle!


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