American Music vs. British Music
Review By: Dan the Angry Conservative

Ever since the 'British Invasion' of such bands as The Beatles, The Monkees, and The Beach Boys, people have debated which country makes the better music. Well, good friends, I shall decide for you. I'm no music critic, but I do have an extensive collection of pirated MP3s, so off we go.

Round 1: Elvis vs. The Beatles

In the movie Pulp Fiction, Uma Thurman says that everyone is either an Elvis person or a Beatles person, somewhere along the line you have to like one more than the other (actually, this isn't really in the movie. It's part of a deleted scene, so buy the DVD today!). I guess I'm the exception to the rule, cause frankly I don't listen to either.

Winner: Draw

Points: None

Round 2: The Ramones vs. The Sex Pistols

Now we are getting down to the bands that matter. Rock music before punk is like genocide before Hitler. Each of these bands has given us timeless music to hurt our friends to. The Ramones are the first band to be given the title "punk," but many people still say that the Pistols defined the genre. My opinion, The Velvet Underground was the true inspiration to punk.

Winner: The Velvet Underground

Points: One to America, home of the Velvet Underground

Bonus Points: One to Germany, birthplace of Nico, the sexy singer for the Velvets

Round 3: American Boy Bands vs. British Boy Bands

At first it seemed like this battle would go the same way as the Elvis/Beatles one. But then I remembered that Europe is mostly to blame for the present success of this horrible trend of teen pop. You see, the Backstreet Boys found no success in America. Then they went to Europe (which is like England, except they speak European there, instead of American). And there they found success. Then they returned to America and said "hey, Europe likes us, why not you?" So all the stupid teen whores in America ate it up cause they have some fascination with any guy from Europe under 50. Then the Backstreet success ushered in a whole bunch of crap. Europe (and England by association) is to blame.

Winner: None

Points: Minus one to Britain

Round 4: American Girl Groups vs. British Girl Groups

To represent Britain, I will use the Spice Girls. To represent America, I will use Hanson. Each is probably the stereotypical girl group from their countries. Again, I don't listen to ether's music, so I'm going to use creative judging to decide. Ginger Spice (later changed to Sexy Spice for good reason) has larger boobies than all of Hanson combined. I mean, come on girls, you can't expect to win fans looking like a bunch of tomboys!

Winner: Britain

Points: One to Britain

Round 5: American Techno vs. British Techno

All techno music sounds the same to me. Maybe I'm closed minded and all, but it's boring music. Don't get me started on that rave shit. The repetitive "groove" just makes me want to punch random people. Those damn e-tards with their damn glow sticks and the ecstasy fucking themselves over. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not against the "kids" having "fun," but why can't we all just smoke a blunt and play Playstation for fun. Except too many video games have that damn techno music in it. Bah, they aren't fucking musicians, they are just a bunch of fuck-os with no talent so they reuse the beat and try to make the most fucking annoying ass "melody" possible so their drugged up friends can dance in those fucking stupid ass hats and do that stupid ass dance with the glow sticks.

Every generation has a group of worthless fucks who think they will save the world, but really just hang around and do drugs and practice a casual, bisexual lifestyle. First it was the damn hippies, then those new-wave fucks, now ravers are all talking about "peace and love and respect and love" but it's just a bunch of bullshit that they spew to make themselves feel better about wasting their lives in a drug haze.

Rave on, faggot!

Winner: Draw

Points: None

Round 6: American Scary Music vs. British Scary Music

Representing British scary music will be Ozzy Osbourne/Black Sabbath and representing American scary music will be Glenn Danzig/Misfits. Ozzy has made some good music and I respect his whole head-biting act. Also, pissing on the Alamo is understandable. I mean, it's just a building where thousands of American patriots died fighting off Princess Diana of Mexico's Army of undead British redcoats. Then again, Glenn Danzig is the bigger badass. I know I'm gonna get heat for that one, but it's true. Glenn Danzig has better hair and is much tougher looking. Plus his music is better.

Don't get me wrong, I like metal, but The Misfits simply trump them every time. Last Caress beats Crazy Train, Mother beats Iron Man, and Some Kinda Hate beats that piece of trash that Ozzy is peddling these days. Plus, Ozzy did most of his best work in Blizzard of Ozz, which I'm gonna have to call an American band. The true proof is in the fact that about half of all punks with a leather jacket have a Misfits patch.

Winner: Misfits

Points: One to American Music

I've forgotten who has how many points. Germany got one or two, and The Scorpions are from Germany, so Der Vaterlande wins.


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