More Universal Studios Monsters
Review By: Gringo

Secrets for sneaky people! The title of this article probably helps you realise this is a follow-up to another dumb review I wrote a while back. Story time! Universal Studios released eight or DVDs of their classic monster movies last year, and I decided to review them. Amazing. By clicking right here you can read the first article, which covers Dracula, Frankenstein, The Mummy and Phantom Of The Opera. Go read it to find out all about men dating each other and little girls being thrown in rivers! But as if all that fun wasn't enough to contend with, now you get to read what I thought of the four remaining movies. You need me to explain this any more? Then you're a dumb fuck! Of the eight moves that make up Universal Studios' Classic Monster Collection, the ones below are my least favourite. Not that I hate them, I just don't like them as much as the first four I reviewed. Notice how I'm explaining every single sentence? I'll stop treating you all like four-year-olds now, and instead insult your intelligence by dropping words like 'cunt' into this article whenever I can. It's what you come to this site for!

The Wolf Man

RRRG! That's the noise the Wolf Man makes as he terrorises a small Welsh town. Yes, welcome to a perfectly average entry in the monster series. It's not really scary, although the transformation of the regular guy into a werewolf and his subsequent crazy killing spree is worth watching. However, for a movie that's set in Wales, there's surprisingly very few Welsh accents...but many American ones? HMM! Maybe the Wolf Man should turn detective and find out why! Perhaps not. You get to see a gypsy get smacked to death with a silver cane in this movie, and there's the obligatory woman getting chased through foggy forest scene, but apart from that I wouldn't recommend this as a great choice from the Universal monster movies. But it's nice that Claude Rains' character feels the need to plug this site halfway through the movie, sixty years before Listen To Me was even online. So friendly! You can bet your butt Dr. Lloyd - some other character in the movie - was waiting in anticipation to get the Internet! And if you don't get that last sentence, you can (a) download the clip or (b) skip this bloody nonsense and switch your computer off.

The Invisible Man

It's raining men! Sorry, I was going to try some really lame joke (for a change) making a reference to that crappy song, but because I picked up this review two months after starting it, I've forgotten how I would have done it. Something to do with the word 'man' being in this movie's title, probably. Anyway, watching this fine production, I discovered the following things about being invisible: it makes you hungry, and it makes you crazy. Simple as that. At several points, the invisible man - played by Claude Rains - shouts, "Get me food!" before killing quite a few people. He also uses his invisible powers to do what any sane person would, such as throwing bicycles at people or smacking their hats off their heads. However, because the chemicals he used to turn invisible were naughty, the invisible man is whacked in the brain, which means he MUST BE STOPPED! As you can probably guess, he is stopped, but it's still a good movie. It's only 68 minutes long, which is great for someone with a short attention span like...what was I saying? HAHA! Jokes so bad they make you retch! Let's just move on swiftly to the next movie, shall we?

Creature From The Black Lagoon

Pointless trivia time! This was the last in the series I watched, and for some inexplicable reason the one I really wanted to see. Now I have seen it, what did I think, I hear you cry. Well, cry on small child, cry on as if a Catholic priest has just come a-calling when your parents aren't home, because I shall tell you! It's all about a creature. Who lives in a black lagoon. And kills people. The movie revolves around some scientists who go exploring in the Amazon, only to have their necks broken by the fish/man/monster/creature who also tries to kidnap a woman who screams a lot. Hooray! It's actually pretty good fun although not immensely scary. The creature does look creepy, although my favourite character was the captain of a boat, who always talked in the third person. It doesn't have a whacked-out 1950's spaceman vibe to it, thankfully. Instead, it's simply a case of a bunch of losers get stuck with a death monster, and finding out who gets to survive. The extras on the DVD were pretty good too so, um, yeah. Fun times. Gringo is going to move on to the next movie now!

The Bride Of Frankenstein

More secrets revealed! This is the only movie in the series I managed to buy at budget price, purely by chance. You care for lots of pointless information? Yes. It's a sequel to - can you guess? - the monster movie Frankenstein, and once again, yes, I'm well aware that's the name of the creator, not the monster made up of various dead humans. However, the title and plot seems to indicate the monster is now called Frankenstein, as he's the one getting a bride. Wacky cunts! This is all about the crazy Dr. Pretorius' attempts to create a female companion for Frankenstein's demented monster (who, um, kind of died in a fire in the original, but sssh, creative licence means that didn't happen). It's meant to be a classic, but I wasn't really impressed, and Dr. Frankenstein is only in it for about 30 of the 72 minutes it runs. It all just seems a bit over-the-top and sadly almost laughable. Perhaps I've just seen too many of these old monster movies at once. Perhaps! Anyway, that's all. Look on the bright side - because these movies came out more than sixty years ago, the chance of a third article (like Even More Universal Studios Monsters) is practically zero. START THE PARTY NOW!


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