S.W.A.T.
Review By: Lauren

This movie makes me sad. And it never occurs to me to make reviews about good movies because they either end up a) not funny or 2) sounding like Ross trying to make a legitimate review. And no one wants the latter! On the other hand, while writing reviews about crap movies there is a good possibility I will I end up sounding like Joe, trying to express my loss for words and social angst by filling the pages with many...many curse words only to eventually give up, ending with "Cunty fuck poo!"

The movie starts off with what looks like home video footage with an 80's style camcorder of a bank robbery. Then it keeps cutting back and forth from high to low quality for no reason. Cool! Everybody (Gringo) knows that poor quality = a win!

Now a hostage situation is occurring but the hero of our story (Colin Farrell) disobeys a direct order and fires at the robber, only to hit the hostage! After he fires all the other snipers kill the criminals. Those morons should have read my How to Commit Armed Robbery In Six East Steps guide!

When the team arrives back at HQ, the Dean of Admissions, or whoever it is in charge of a S.W.A.T team, yells at the hostage shooter (now known simply as Ass), and Ass's partner, known as Super Happy Fun Awesome Crazy Cool Radical Japanese Silly Partner! Or Bobby for short. Even though Ass shot the hostage Bobby is also in trouble and both men are demoted! Logic!

In the locker room Ass and Bobby get into a fight and Bobby pulls Ass's hair (seriously) and says "Fuck S.W.A.T." That was the only good line of the entire show as it was a direct reference to, not the genuine S.W.A.T, but the cleverly titled movie of the same name (logic). So yes, I agree "Fuck S.W.A.T."

So a couple months later, Samuel "I have a pretentious middle initial" Jackson shows up at S.W.A.T and starts recruiting people for his new team. He wants Ass on the team but the Dean won't let him. Then a very stupid dialogue scene comes on where Samuel tries to be Shaft (logic!).

Samuel: Ahhhh yeaaa, I need that bad cat on my team!
Dean: Man, this is some heavy stuff.
Samuel: Solid! He is one bad mother...
Dean: Shut yo mouth!

See, it was very awful. Other people on Samuel's team include the Oscar winning actor LL Cool J! And some chick with large boobs! Fun!

So after the Dean approves Shaft's team they start training. Which takes well over 45 minutes of the movie. They should have called this movie Training Day (logic!).

Meanwhile, we see a naughty French (Freedom) guy stab his uncle in the neck. But he gets pulled over and thrown in jail. On the way to jail he says into some cameras that he will give 10 million dollars to who ever breaks him out of jail. We find out that he is in the most powerful mafia family in the world, so of course the news plays the footage of his claim for everyone to see! (logic!) Many gang members see this on Gang TV (very informative channel) and decide to help him out. They wait until French is being transferred to a prison and hijack the bus he is in, all the while we get to witness this in 80's video camera quality cinematic genius! Logic!

Fuck S.W.A.T! To make a long and boring story short the French guy almost gets away because Bobby helps him out, but Shaft and his Justice League Super Friends stop him and throw him in prison.

Again, this movie made me sad. I don't see how this movie got to number one, but considering there are movies like Grind, Gigli, and Uptown Girls, I am not surprised. I don't even want to put any pictures of this waste on my review. But Gringo will probably find one and put it on. Then again he never edititits (see!) these things. Cunty fuck poo!


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