Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory
Review By: Joe

OH SHITS, DIMITRI!!! Notice the crazy! This movie is being released on a special edition DVD real soon and was recently shown on the Fox Family Channel (wee!). Also, Nothing Sacred reviewed it and then Big Meats* made it their fourth drug movie. We link to both of these guys** on our main page so you can easily go there and then think "HEY! That Joe is a stealmongerer! Stealing and mongering as he does! I spit on his footwear!!!" However, I swear to almighty Jebus that I found out about all these articles' existence right after I started writing this review. So, what does that mean for you, the fatty with no life? It means another review! And a sub-par one at that!!

If I was going to pick one to read out of the three (this one included) I've recently seen on these so-called 'entertainment' sites (I'm not sure LTM really fits the requirements), I'd recommend the Big Meats one, probably because it makes the movie look like a porn flick, which is always good. Go read the Nothing Sacred one too though...they're both better than this one easily. Or hey! Maybe you could go actually do something with your life, huh?! You kids. Anyway, for those of you still foolish enough to stay with us, enjoy!

Now here's a fine movie. No, I'm serious. This is one of the coolest movies I've seen during my lifetime that isn't a porno (DAMN YOU BIG MEATS!!!). Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is based on the book by Roald Dahl titled Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Some producer-type apparently decided for the movie that Charlie could screw off and gave Mr. Wonka the title to the...um...title. This film breaks conventions by being one of those rare occurrences of a movie being a decent adaptation of a book. Actually, it's more than decent, it's damn good. I don't know if it's better because it's been awhile since I read the book but I'd say it's at least on par.

The story goes like this! This little snot-nosed kid named Charlie is all poor and lives with his mom and his grandparents and some other people who can't get up ever who are smelly. I think they are smelly anyway. Grandpa Joe looks pretty smelly. He is always wearing a woman's nightgown and ugly sandals. He dances at one part. This is no good.

Charlie does not like being poor because he wants to grow up to be a veterinarian, more on that later. So anyway there is this candy company in Charlie's town. Actually I guess it is not a company, it is a factory. Hence, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. But, then again, they don't only make chocolate there. SO MANY LIES IN JUST ONE TITLE. This factory is running some contest where they are putting five golden tickets inside the wrappers of their chocolate. If you get one of these tickets, you get to go on a tour of Willy Wonka's factory place! This is special. NO, IT IS!!!! You can also eat the chocolate you get but gold spray paint may have rubbed off on it. You can eat the ticket too.

In addition to this super tour of the factory, if you aren't dead by the end of the movie, you also get a lifetime supply of chocolate...or tickets if that's what your palette is more suited to. So five kids get the tickets. One is this fatty named Augustus who gets his ticket by being fat and eating microphones. Another is this girl who chews gum (I do not remember her name, I think it was Stupid Gum Chewing Bitch) who gets the ticket by chewing gum and not eating microphones. Then we have Mike Teevee who has the worst name ever and watches television a lot because he likes things that have to do with his last name. Then there is Veruca Salt who is a band. Oh, and of course Charlie but we knew that already because I mentioned him before. You think I did that for my health? Perhaps for the health of my cat but more about that later.

So these kids go to the factory with their parents and/or guardians (WE BE PC!). Charlie has to take Grandpa Joe who doesn't even have the decency to change out of his damned woman's clothing even though they're going out in public. I don't think he showers either and he farts a lot because he is old. Anyway, they go and the kids all FUCKING DIE. Well, maybe. They come close anyway. You see, it turns out that Crazy Ass Wonka's way of deciding who gets the lifetime supply of chocolate is by seeing how the kids behave whilst in the factory. And if they behave bad they DIE, DIE, DIEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Augustus goes up a tube of DEATH! He is FAT! Veruca is destroyed, DESTROYED to DEATH by a furnace. Mike TeeVee is shrunk, SHRUNK down to the size of DEATH. That gum-chewing chick explodes like a FAT BLUEBERRY WITH DEATH IN HER. Charlie and Grandpa drink fizzy-lifting drinks and go flying up and up to DEATH. But they burp a lot and come back down. You heard me! If you aren't following me you haven't seen the movie and you must be muy stupido! Big stupid head! Therefore, go watch it because in a bit I'm going to ruin the ending and you will not be happy with me.

THE MOMENT HAS COME! THE TIME IS NOW! PREPARE FOR ENDING RUINATION, MY PRETTIES! When Charlie acts like a good boy in the factory, he gets the power-up and wins the game (please don't tell Something Awful that I'm stealing their material). A life-time supply of chocolate gets he?! Why no! He gets the whole goddamned factory! Well that's a shit! A cool-ass shit! I bet it blows up in the next week. Charlie is not so smart. "Oh oh I drank the fizzy-lifting drink ohhh." Stupid Charlie. This review is not so good, uh?

I suppose I will quickly (I have ADD) mention how fucking crazy this movie is because it really is fucking crazy. Of course there's that part in the tunnel with the lights flashing and Wonka saying stuff like "COME SATAN PUT YOUR EVIL INSIDE ME RECTALLY." This part is good for the kids. Then there's the Oompa-Loompas who are orange with green hair. They sing songs about how you should behave and stuff which makes the movie come off as really preachy but that's okay because it's about an important enough issue which is...uh... "don't misbehave" (said like Antonio Banderas!! Who gets that?! Anyone?! HMM!??). The actors who played the Oompa-Loompas probably died from suffocation due to being covered in paint or because they are midgets or a combination of both.

This review, she is not so good, eh? You've probably seen this movie already so you know how much ass this kicks and if you haven't you're probably really young or really stupid or a combination of both. Go get movie on DVD for extra good times. Joe no function beer well without.

Oh right and also I must let you know the sad, sad truth about Charlie. Remember how he supposedly got the entire chocolate factory at the end? BULLSHIT!! As I said, I bet he blew it up or something because he clearly got kicked out by Wonka the fun-molester (shit! I didn't make any child molestation jokes throughout this whole thing! Shit, man, shit!!!). How do I know? HE'S A GODDAMNED VETERINARIAN NOW. What happened to the man who suddenly got everything he wanted?! HE CHANGED HIS HAIR COLOR AND STARTED BALDING AND GREW A STUPID MOUSTACHE AND HAD TO BUY GLASSES AND BE A VETERINARIAN AND EAT DOO DOO (I made up the last part but it could be true)!!!!! THERE IS NO GOD!!!!!!!


* Big Meats is no more!
** Also their link is no more!

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