Crossroads
Review By: Darth Phenom

Worst. Movie. Ever. Yes. Worst. Movie. Ever. Literally. I am not just being humorous here, I honestly believe in my heart of hears that this is the worst movie of all time. Or at least the worst I've ever seen. Now, I was expecting Crossroads to be a trifle on the dodgy side but I don't believe the English language has the necessary adjectives to describe just how bad this is. If you think the one redeeming feature of it is being able to drool over Britney's virgin breasts then I'm afraid you are sadly mistaken. I don't quite believe I have the ability to convince you to see it for its merits without lying.

As if you didn't know, the plot revolves around three late teenage girls seeking to abandon yet another metropolis in Georgia and head to the golden, glistening, glorious city of Los Angeles, modern day Rome. This has never been done before. No cliches here. The three pieces of trailor park trash all decide that their destiny lies in this mythical city of Gods but each have entirely different reasons.

The African-American piece of trailor park trash must marry her boyfriend in order to save the world. The Caucasian piece of trailor park trash must dip her toes in the Pacific Ocean in order to save the galaxy. Finally, the Britney piece of trailor park trash well, must not head to Los Angeles precisely, but rather to Arizona simply to meet her estranged mother. They manage to procure a ride with some gentleman who happens to drive a car that was considered vintage before Billy Joel began his recording career.

What follows, is every cliche of every road movie you can imagine. Think of Thelma and Louise but with teenagers and bereft of any entertainment whatsoever. Bitch fights occur in virtually every scene between the aforementioned African-American piece of trailor park trash and the Caucasian piece of trailor park trash but our heroine Britney is always there to break them up. I'm afraid to disappoint you with news that there are no lesbian catfights whatsoever. None of their little scuffles ever really go beyond the point of a rather harsh shove.

Actually, I must contradict myself now. There is some good to this movie if one considers a director's point of view. I can imagine over 90% of first year film students cackling over a scene such as when Britney finally meets her mommy -- aw. Surely most would expect the caring parent to hug her daughter whom she hasn't laid eyes on for over a decade and weep tears of joy? Well, ok, probably not, but this is supposed to be a heart warming family film, after all. But what happens instead? "Lucy, I think we have something to talk about". End of scene.

Perhaps even more hilarious is the scene in a karioke bar in which Britney crackles a cover of Joan Jett's "I Love Rock 'n' Roll". An audience of no more than fifty, applauds wildly and somehow they end up with some ridiculous sum of money. Those truckers sure are generous. More hilarious still is that Britney has sold over 20 million records.

Here comes the scary part, kiddies. This motion picture features the most evil, most deadliest villian ever captured on film. Not only does he have another woman with him when his African-American piece of trailor park trash fiancee pays him a visit but he impregnated the Caucasian piece of trailor park trash. On Christmas Eve! All while consuming alcohol! A true horror picture here.

Anyway, as I previously stated, this movie should not be on anyone's I-MUST-SEE-NOW-OR-I-WILL-RAPE-CHILDREN list, not even the most die-hard Britney fan's. Actually, I imagine it's on the top of our average reader's I-MUST-SEE-NOW-OR-I-WILL-RAPE-CHILDREN list but I digress. Or do I?


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