Super Mario Bros.
Review By: Joe

I have learned four things from this movie:

                1) Open the door.
                2) Get on the floor.
                3) Everybody walk the dinosaur.
                4) Evidently, there was a large black woman with elevator shoes named
                    Big Bertha in the Super Mario Bros. games that I somehow never noticed.

Okay, basically, this is the film adaptation of Nintendo's Super Mario Bros. video games. What a horrible idea you say? Why, yes! Yes, it is! I can't imagine that the producers of this flick had very much to go on considering the horribly, horribly complex storyline of basically every Mario game ever.

In case you don't know, this is the story of a standard Mario game: Bowser (who is like a dinosaur guy), king of the Koopas (dinosaur-turtle...somethings), has kidnapped Princess Toadstool of the Mushroom Kingdom. Mario, a plumber who we never see doing any actual plumbing, and his brother Luigi (also a plumber) travel to the Mushroom Kingdom (from somewhere...Brooklyn maybe) to rescue the Princess (search me as to why they have to do it when they don't even live there). They run around jumping on little monsters named Goombas and flying turtles (er...koopas) and then they go jump on Bowser's head and they tell you the Princess is in another fucking castle. What the fuck is that shit?! Another goddamned castle?! FUCK YOU, YOU FRUITY LITTLE MUSHROOM ASSHOLE!! WHAT THE HELL KIND OF A NAME IS 'TOAD' FOR A MUSHROOM ANYWAY?! ARRGH! DICK!!

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that you don't run into much plot development (or just plain plot, really) with these games. So what do you do if you plan to make a film adaptation of them? First of all, don't! Second of all, if you ignore my advice, make it have absolutely NOTHING TO DO WITH THE GAME AT ALL!!!! Rockin', Jeeves! Let's investigate like Nancy Drew!!! Just like her, I swear to Allah!!!

In the Mario Bros. movie, we actually get to see Mario and Luigi in their natural environment of Brooklyn before we go to the Mushroom Kingdom, which is actually a steaming heap of shitty city with fungus all over the place and not a happy land with repeating music and lots of bright, primary colors. Actually, I don't think it's even called Mushroom Kingdom...because King Koopa (they got rid of the 'Bowser' moniker) rules it and not Princess Toadstool or the Mushroom King. And also it's a city and not really a kingdom as such.

When we begin the movie, our heroes' plumbing business has not been doing so well, probably because Italian plumbers in Brooklyn are a dime a dozen. Anyway, they get a call about some plumbing job and speed over there because, apparently, when someone calls a plumber with a plumbing problem, it's quickly spread around the entire plumber populous by use of plumber magic and it becomes a race to see who can get there first and plug the leak!!! This big plumbing monopoly run by some guy (I do not recall his name) gets there first and Mario and Luigi are anally (yes, anally!) screwed once again. Well, fuck, kids!!! What the shitass do our heroes do?! Well, not much. They run into the Princess who is actually just some normal chick in Brooklyn. They give her a ride somewhere while these two idiot guys who are Koopa's henchman follow them around. One's named Iggy. The other's named something else. Yes. Oh, and they are there because that idiot plumber who beat M&L (Mario and Luigi, you simpleton) to the job accidentally opened up some trans-dimensional vortex that let people from Koopa's kingdom cross over. Shit, man, shit!!!!

So, anyhoo, these guys eventually manage to grab the Princess who is actually called Daisy in this. That's a stupid name...but Toadstool isn't really much better either. Both are plant-related though, huh?! WACKY!! Actually, I'm not sure fungi are plants and I have no intention of finding out. So Mario and Luigi (who has a hard on for Daisy at this point) manage to follow them back into the other dimension. OH AND IT IS SO SMELLY THERE!!!! Anyway, this fat black chick named Big Bertha steals this crystal from them that they want (what do you mean I'm leaving out plot points?!) and then they go on some ride in a flying taxi and stuff blows up. Now, they eventually go kick King Koopa's ass (he is a human and not a dinosaur-turtle thing?! Insane!) who is played by Dennis Hopper in what is undoubtedly his best performance to date. They do turn him into a dinosaur actually with a devolution ray (everyone used to be a dinosaur thing in Koopa's world) because they can. Koopa is really big on this whole evolution-devolution thing. It's all the rage there! You get devolved into a goomba (this huge thing with a really small head, although that's not the case in the game) if you disobey the law. Personally I don't get it but, whatever.

Well, you may have noticed I sped through the plot just a tad and that is because it happens to be inconsequential. Although I probably should mention the part where the Mario Bros. are infiltrating King Koopa's um...big...tower...thing and Mario decides to go up to some lockers, and opens them and seems to find exactly what he's looking for - and makes some exclamation confirming this! Green and red overalls! Now they look like they're from right out of the game!! I really don't know what the point in this was except to make them look like their video game counterparts. And we really didn't need the graphic changing scene. OH NO BOB HOSKINS AND JOHN LEGUIZAMO, DON'T!!!! AGGGGGGH! Just kidding, there's no changing scene...OR IS THERE!?! (DUN DUN DUN!!!!)

Right, so the plot is not worth mentioning. But I will tell you what is...Walk the Dinosaur!!!! This is a song (you can hear it on the fine, fine soundtrack which has hits by Roxanne included) that is played during a club scene in the movie. Essentially, the lyrics (or the important ones anyway) are as follows: "Open the door, get on the floor, everybody walk the dinosaur". DOESN'T THAT JUST BLOW YOUR FUCKING MIND!?!?! This is, without question, the single most important aspect of the film. It also led to my friend repeatedly saying things like "Wait wait, have you opened the door? Did you get on the floor?! Then you, my friend, are free to walk the dinosaur!!". I suggest you just download the song and forget the movie. Now make sure you get the one by George Clinton and the Goombas or the Goombas and George Clinton because there's about fifty remixes of the damn thing and trust me when I say you're gonna want the genuine article.

Okay, so I suppose to sum up I'd say that the movie really sucks and is nothing like the game at all (although I think a movie just like the game would be ludicrously boring...although the cartoon was damn good!!). They just distributed all the terms, locations, and names from the series liberally and randomly throughout the film and nothing matches the game in the least. But if you do see this movie anyway, at least go away with this knowledge: open the door, get on the floor, everybody walk the dinosaur. WALK IT LIKE YOU MEAN IT, BABY.

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