Lara Croft: Tomb Raider: The Cradle Of Life
Review By: Joe

I can't really remember why I saw the first Tomb Raider in theaters (on opening night no less) but I think it was probably a combination of things. One, I imagine I had nothing else to do. Two, I probably thought it would be really atrociously bad and I would be able to make fun of it and enjoy myself so much in the process! So much!!! Three, I think I had some ridiculous mindset that, as one of the few video game players left on this earth (yes), it was my duty to view each and every film based on a video game in theaters even though I hate the Tomb Raider games with a passion and have only played one of them (which I hated). On top of which, I've hardly been hardcore in this mission to see video game films in the theater (I think Resident Evil was the only other movie I actually did this for...and maybe Mario Bros., I can't really remember) so my retarded logic is very flawed and retarded.

I have now just gotten back from seeing the second Tomb Raider in theaters (on opening night no less) and, once again, I don't really know why but I guess it was the following combination of things. One, I had nothing else to do. Two, I thought it would be really atrociously bad and I would be able to make fun of it and enjoy myself so much in the process! So much!!! Three, I think I have some ridiculous mindset that, as I went and saw the first movie on opening night and proceeded to review it for this site, I should do the same thing for the second. I MEAN, IT'S WHAT ALL NONE OF YOU EXPECT FROM ME, RIGHT? RIGHT.

First off, don't see this movie because it is not good. In my review of the first movie I said DUHH YOU MIGHT AS WELL GO AND SEE THIS IT REALLY ISN'T THAT BAD IT JUST A ACTION MOVIE!! Come to think of it now, you shouldn't see that one either. It's better than this one but why see a sub-par action movie when there are good ones too? I mean honestly. Go rent Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade or Predator or something with Bruce Lee in it. And if you just want to see it for the sake of Angelina Jolie being hot, rent Gia. She's hot AND naked AND having lesbian sex in that, which is a lot more than I can say for Tomb Raider.

I read about this movie in a magazine before it came out. All the people working on the film claimed "IT IS BETTER THAN THE LAST ONE! BETTER! BETTER ! BEST!" Apparently Eidos was unhappy with the way their beloved game franchise ended up on the big screen the first time round. I can't say I see why. What the hell kind of amazing storyline were they expecting to be derived from a series of games about some hooker pushing blocks and dying a lot? I mean, Angelina Jolie has boobs, what more do you need to accurately recreate Lara Croft's glory in movie form?

At any rate, they lied because this movie actually manages to be WORSE than the first and that's saying quite a bit because the first movie had absolutely nothing unique or cool about it and also it was stupid. The two films aren't honestly that much different. Both are about Lara traipsing all over the world looking for artifacts so she can save the world while bad guys are doing the same thing, except to destroy the world. It's all very original stuff! Regardless, I do believe this film to be the worse of the two. HERE BE WHY.

The action sequences suck and in the action movie genre, that is not good to have. They weren't anything special in the first movie but at least stuff was blowing up and I could see it. This time, very little blows up and Jan De Bont is the director and he is a very not good director. "OH I CUT FREQUENTLY! NOBODY CAN TELL WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!" and before too long you stop caring. Some action just seems inserted wherever the hell like when Lara parachutes into a Jeep or randomly decides to drive a motorcycle on top of the Great Wall of China. It is very, very easy to tell that she is not actually on there, by the way.

The other problem is that the only real reason us male types are seeing this film is because of the poster which has Angelina in a skin-tight wetsuit. WE LIKE THIS and we are led to believe that she might wear this wetsuit for a good amount of the movie even if it doesn't make sense in the plot! WELL IT IS ALL LIES! There is actually MUCH LESS Angelina skin and MUCH MORE clothing. She's in a bikini (which, I'll admit, is very nice) at the beginning and the wetsuit follows shortly after and that's really about all you get! After that she gots on full sets of clothing, pants and shirts and whatnot! She don't even wear dem shorts no more! I mean really now! You can't even count on a boner!

Oh! Also, the fags who made this mentioned a sex scene that they claimed "PUSHED THE LIMITS OF THE PG-13 RATING." This is true if by "pushed the limits" they meant "there's no nudity" and by "sex scene" they meant "THERE ISN'T A SEX SCENE." There's a scene that makes you think there will be sex. It lasts for about fifteen seconds and then you are denied. I didn't go to the movie for this scene (you can't masturbate in public theaters I'm told) but I don't care for these falsehoods.

The other thing is that the plot is really stupid but it seems to want you to take it seriously. Apparently, we're supposed to care about this relationship Lara has with this guy so much that its supposed to matter when she has to shoot him (OOPS! I SPOIL!). Incidentally, nobody does. In addition, one of Lara's sidekicks (she has like three) is shown playing with model helicopters and playing helicopter flight sims at a few parts during the movie. This is actually supposed to be foreshadowing as later on when someone asks "No chance one of you can pilot a helicopter?" he responds "I can." Yes, he learned how from model helicopters and flight sims. I actually heard several people laugh at this part. One lady kept laughing...FOR AWHILE.

Also, the first film had CG-animated statues that came to life and hurt people who tried to pillage this one tomb dealy. It was stupid but the CG-animated creatures that show up in this one are even stupider and seemed even more out of place as they apparently live in a forest that just about anyone could happen to walk through and get fucked. These creatures come across as very non-menacing because they are very fake and because you can barely see what they are doing thanks to Mr. De Butt's cockpoor direction as well as the darkness of the scene. I am pretty sure, however, that several of them grabbed people and pulled them INSIDE TREES AND ROCKS. SCARY!!! I DO NOT WANT TO BE IN A ROCK!

Oh yeah and early in the film Angelina PUNCHES A GREAT WHITE (CG) SHARK IN THE NOSE. You can't do that. Only Jackie Chan can punch underwater.

There is no reason for anybody to see this movie. There was no reason for anyone to see the first one either but this one piles on more joy by adding a shitty director, a stupider plot, and very little Angelina Jolie skin. I MEAN HONESTLY, I EXPECTED AT LEAST THE SKIN! At the very least, I had a few laughs (like when she punched the shark) but they were very few and not worth the price of admission.

I went to this movie all hyped up because I knew it was going to suck and somehow seeing a movie that I know will suck is some kind of humorous joke to me that I don't really fully understand myself considering I'm the one out seven bucks (a STUDENT DISCOUNT apparently) in the end. If I wasn't so retarded that I out-retard myself, I might have been able to reason with my brain and together we would decide "No, Josephine. This is not a good idea. You are wasting money and supporting a crappy film franchise that is based off a game franchise that you would also not like to support. The movie will not be good! Stop what you do now!!!" Unfortunately, this is not the way things are because I appear to be muy masochisto. I hate this review.


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